DH and DS think I "don't cook"

[BrokenOven]

In two separate conversions over the last few days, DS and then DH independently claimed that I "don't cook."

I don't exactly recall the conversation with DS. But DH and I were discussing whether to replace or repair our broken oven, and he claimed we don't need a new oven "because it's not like you cook, anyway."

I do cook. For them. Every day.

When I pointed this out, he hemmed and hawed a bit and then said, "Well, you don't need a fancy new oven, because you don't bake things like nice cakes or a souffle."

No, I don't have time for that. But I do cook supper for them every day and lunches on the weekend.

Just a moan, really.

oh I'd be getting posh take out for myself or cooking whatever I fancied...stir fry, a curry, paella, heavy emphasis on stuff that smells delicious.....none for them of course. A better option would be to just go out and buy a new oven out of the family finances and STILL not feed the family..."because I don't cook"

Does that matter? Her cooker no longer works and at a minimum needs a repair. She obviously uses it otherwise she wouldn't have known it was broken.

Time for him to be in charge permanently!

Sounds like you need an air fryer. But just a small one that's only really suitable to cook one portion of food at a time.

What age is your son? You partner sounds sexist to be honest - I would worry your child could learn this behaviour. If he’s a teen 14+ I would allocate one day a week that he prepares dinner and make sure your partner takes 3 days too! My partner works full time, I am currently a SAHP but my partner cooks about twice a week.

My mum complains that the boys in her house had no chores and her mum was biased towards men (brothers didn’t have chores as doing rugby, golf etc…) in uni her bro got a bigger allowance because boys are hungry. She thinks she is a feminist. However she has subconsciously done the same - no chores for the boys and more pocket money because they needed it more for various reasons (doesn’t like to bring lunch to school etc). Even though she tried to be different, growing up with gender bias she subconsciously adopted those things herself.

I used to cook in my teens and would often come to take my meals from the oven to find one of my brothers eating it and saying “what I thought you cooked this for me”. My older bro (mid 40s) spends a huge amount of money now buying in all of his food pre made from posh shops and delis, he flips out if people ask him to help clean and has shouted “that’s women’s work” before. My little bro is living at home (marriage break up) and gets angry at my mum when he comes home if she’s cooked things that doesn’t work with his fitness regime - he will roast a chicken on the weekend and says he is doing his share. I don’t think he has picked up a hoover since he moved home and has 90% of his laundry done for him. My mum is miserable and stressed out cleaning and cooking for an adult but she has honestly made her own bed!

Boys seeing only mum make dinner teaches them that only women have to cook and this sticks to their developing brains. Kids learn by example and it’s much harder to rewire an adult brain!

Simple - just don’t cook anything starting from tonight! How rude! Why do they think it is only your place in the kitchen. How old is your son? He needs to get in there and learn how to cook, otherwise history will be repeating itself with any future wife. Fortunately today’s women will not stand for being the only cook in the house. There is nothing more unattractive than a man who can’t produce a good meal. It’s not rocket science, it is a simple, necessary life skill.

this. Stop cooking for a few days? Weeks?

do not inform them about this in advance. If you’re the one who usually does the food shop / stocks the fridge I’d continue as you usually would (and definitely not buy ready meals or similar).

Strike! Strike! Strike!
I wouldn’t cook for them then. They can starve. Cheeky bastards!

I would be letting them know that you're all responsible for getting your own meals from now on. It won't make a difference, seeing how you "don't cook" anyway..

Thanks all for cheering me up and making me feel better 😂

Things to clarify...

The hob is separate and still works.

The oven is my primary cooking machine. However, our microwave also has a convection oven feature, and a few years ago, DH bought an air fryer. Until now, I rarely used these, because the oven worked better, had more capacity, and I think it's easier to clean a baking tray than an air fryer basket.

But, when the oven broke about a month ago, and we were super busy trying to choose which secondary schools to apply to for DS, I agreed that I could manage with them and no oven until we had more time to sort it.

DH knows there is a deadline to have a functional oven, however, because we host his mother for Christmas dinner, and that needs full oven capacity.

The disagreement is not over whether we need an oven, just over whether to repair it or replace it. The oven is the second-cheapest that B&Q had on offer when the previous owners of our house put in when they wanted to sell 11 year ago and modernised just enough to do so. Basic is fine for me, but it takes forever to heat up and I'm pretty sure the temperature is inconsistent.

1.5 years ago, the heating element went. We replaced the heating element ourselves. This was not the easy job that YouTube promised. It turns out that ours does not just snap in place from inside the oven. In the end, we got it done, and it was only about £30, but it wasn't fun. Now, that new element just went, and I'm not feeling super excited about doing it again, because we actually can afford a new oven.

The new oven I chose isn't super fancy. I thought it would be nice to try one with pyrolitic cleaning, so it's the most basic one I could find that also works with our old electrics and gets reasonable reviews both for function and brand reliability. (It's this one if anyone is curious.)

I'll admit that a lot of what I cook is "freezer tea" kind of meals. DH and I both work full time, hybrid office jobs, and I just don't have much time to do anything fancier. It doesn't help that I can't eat dairy, DH is vegetarian, and DS has ASD with a bunch of food issues. So, yes, a lot of our meals are pretty boring and repetitive, because it's really hard to find something I can make in the amount of time I have that everyone can eat. Also, I'll admit that 3 nights a week, when DH has been in the office and doesn't get home until 8pm, I'm only cooking for DS and myself, and DH heats his own ready meal in the microwave. (DH has made it pretty clear he thinks these are the best meals he has all week.)

DS is 11, and as mentioned, has ASD and food issues, so I'm still going to keep cooking for him, because he needs nutrition. And I'll keep cooking for DH, because when we're all at home for supper or lunch, I want us to have a meal together, because I think it's good for DS.

A few years ago, I did try getting DH into the cooking rotation. His job was to make sandwiches in his sandwich toaster for himself and DS once every 4 weeks as part of lunch. By a few months I was so tired of his complaining about it that I stopped asking. (Also, DS decided he didn't like toasted sandwiches anymore, or any kind of sandwiches at all.)

Looking forward to them grovelling when you’ve done exactly what everyone suggested. Put your feet up OP ( have a nice meal out alone).

when the microwave went bang I thought oh I won’t bother, next morning, doing DC’s porridge suddenly realised IF the only thing I did use it for was porridge I wasn’t going to be without one.

I've never cooked a soufflé though regularly make basic cakes - they don't take long and go in packed lunches often get frozen so they stay around long enough - but I enjoy baking and it's rarely fancy stuff ( and kids can and do it themselves or pitch in )

I don't cook every weekend - DH does Sunday lunch - though signs he's now fed up of it. It has meant my teens have started to fed for themselves a bit more DD1 still found cooking a chore at Uni but got her a bit of practise in and she seemed much more appreciative of anyone cooking for her now.

Reason I started doing that though is I'm just fed up with it all - it's all the minor food quibbles they all have. If it was DH and I alone it would be mix stir fry's, slow cooked stews, soup (often from tin) and bean/cheese on toast - with occasional something more when time permits - not so many "family meals" that take time.

I'd step back - especially if DS is of an age to do more cooking give them a chance to figure it all out. Also gives your DH a chance to pitch in - all the men in my family Dad, FIL and DH will occasionally cook to pitch in though don't tend to do grunt day in day out budget cooking as it were.

@BrokenOven

I'll admit that a lot of what I cook is "freezer tea" kind of meals. DH and I both work full time, hybrid office jobs, and I just don't have much time to do anything fancier. It doesn't help that I can't eat dairy, DH is vegetarian, and DS has ASD with a bunch of food issues

You both work full time but you do all the cooking for three different diets and you get snide comments about not cooking and not doing "nice" stuff?

Sod that. I'd feed the 11 year old but DH would be catering for himself for the forseeable. Both for being snide and encouraging the child to think the same petty way.

Pyrolitic cleaning is fab, go for it!

Who even makes soufflés? What a ridiculous thing to say

Definitely get one with pyrolytic cleaning. It's not that much more expensive and it more than pays for itself if you ever get an oven cleaning service as it's about £100 extra but you can pay nearly that to have your oven cleaned if it's really bad.

Because if your not so D H can't manage about making himself a toastie once a month (WTF?) the I assume that he's not going to so his share of oven cleaning either?

DH once gave me some what he considered to be helpful tips about how I could improve on ironing his shirts.

How many times do you think I have ironed anything, of anyone's, ever, since that fateful Sunday afternoon 21 years ago?

Starve the little fuckers, we're all behind you.

Salad for supper it is then. Every day. And for lunch at weekends. And on Christmas Day with his mother.
Fucking souffles? Knob.

DS is 11, and as mentioned, has ASD and food issues, so I'm still going to keep cooking for him, because he needs nutrition. And I'll keep cooking for DH, because when we're all at home for supper or lunch, I want us to have a meal together, because I think it's good for DS.

Once hes settled at secondary - start making sure he can cook his favorite meals and then move to making sure he practises at weekends.

We must have been lucky replacing the heating element was straight forward for us - but when it went we just got a new oven - as felt it was old enough to justify having a new one.

DH is vegetarian, and DS has ASD with a bunch of food issues. So, yes, a lot of our meals are pretty boring and repetitive, because it's really hard to find something I can make in the amount of time I have that everyone can eat

I don't have those constraints - but I get so tried with one I do have - 3 kids each with one or two or sudden dislikes and time and mental energy - we have meals everyone likes/will eat with little complaint so they come up a lot it is what it is. I did a favourite last night and got DS - 17 to pitch in - stuffed rolls with bread maker dough- so they doubled up for packed lunch as well - got a few like that take more time but double up and teens will pitch in so can sneakily get some teaching in there.

Given that you are dairy intolerant what soufflé could you possibly make

My view is he is in danger of creating a sunken costs fallacy - your electric oven average lifespan is 13 years (10-15) so given it has gone again and in a short space of time the chances are it will again - ours did and then went again so we bought a new one

the fact is you use it a lot and thau is going to bring the lifespan down

Or option
e) Before posting I had to google souffle because I realised I wasn't even exactly sure what it is. I just had a vague notion that it's something fluffy that cooks in the oven and tends to collapse 😂

Just stop cooking 🤣
They'll learn then! Win win!

A few years ago, I did try getting DH into the cooking rotation. His job was to make sandwiches in his sandwich toaster for himself and DS once every 4 weeks as part of lunch. By a few months I was so tired of his complaining about it that I stopped asking.

Once every four weeks! FFS.

DH knows there is a deadline to have a functional oven, however, because we host his mother for Christmas dinner, and that needs full oven capacity.

What a perfect time for him to get over his pathetic whining and seeing how well he can cope with cooking the Christmas food for his mother who made him without the oven you don't need because you don't make souffles or bake nice cakes.

Your husband isn't coming across well in your posts @BrokenOven

@BrokenOven
DH knows there is a deadline to have a functional oven, however, because we host his mother for Christmas dinner, and that needs full oven capacity.

It might be an idea to check out delivery times for buying a new oven. If it's a few weeks he may come round quite quickly.

Alternatively just buy the new oven yourself.

I note that your DH was supposed to make toasties once a month but didn't. He's trained you into being the food provider. Even saying his ready meals are the best he eats is a form of training. If you do the shopping, maybe leave them off the order.

I appreciate you want to have a family meal and feed your DS. But a constructive conversation about domestic workload needs to happen otherwise you're going to be lumbered with his complaints and the cooking.

Another vote for don't cook them anything.

They owe you an apology, courtesy and consideration.