What an utter mess - teens and DH - help!

[MyUmberFinch]

I need to find a way through this. Other than "call social services / police".

My marriage has been awful for ages... over 15 years. DH is constantly complaining about me - he maintains I am a narcissist, I only think of myself, I'm an "idiot", a "drama queen", I'm "full of shit"....etc ...etc. Last time we went on a "date" he complained that I wasn't wearing makeup (I NEVER wear makeup) and said I looked like I'd just got out of bed. We were going out for a quick pizza, not a night at the Ritz. He tells me that all my friends and family think the same things about me, they are just too afraid to tell me to my face. He's talking rubbish, ofc.

My youngest son (15) hates DH, and has done for a long time, He recently threatened to kill him. He said some horrendously violent stuff. DH wrestled him to the floor and pinned him down. I was utterly shocked and this event has suddenly changed things. I don't want violence in my house.

DH has no family, doesn't earn enough to support himself, and is also unlikely to leave our rented home voluntarily. But I need to get DS and DH apart urgently, or something awful could happen.

I am self-employed, well-qualified (postgrad level), have some personal savings and the offer of some financial support from my mum. We rent from a private landlord.

Both my sons are out of education because of SEN (DS1) and mental health (DS2). Schools were hostile and completely unsupportive with both my sons - this in itself has been a huge challenge for many years - one I have faced completely on my own as DH doesn't get involved. DS1 has an EHCP and gets 1 hour of "provision" a week.

Hand-hold - what to do next? I tried Womens Aid - they only said to go to Social Services, but what can they really do? My personal and professional experience of "services" is not great.

DH is currently not speaking to me. I fear that if he does it will be a very explosive argument. I'm feeling exhausted and also trying to work.

I have done my absolute best to be a good person, love my sons, support them through life's ups and downs. I work hard, I look after myself, I have good friends who I gladly help and support with all sorts of stuff. I am a naturally positive and resilient person but this shitshow is really testing me and I just don't know what to do next.

Find a new rental, move. Do not tell your horrendous awful dickhead wanker husband you are moving. Move your kids. Who cares if he won't be able to support himself? You need to out your kids first.

@Bavariamaria has it absolutely right. Either he leaves the rental or you do. If you don't think he will go then leave yourself and take your DC with you.

Divorce and find somewhere else to live , if your children are not happy and it's now getting physical you need to leave asap

Why are you discounting calling the police? The police will remove him. That's what needs to happen. There is no way he will leave voluntarily and you can't manage them safely by yourself. If you call social services they will advise to call police. Just do it, it's time.

Call the police, report dick head abusive husband. Your kids come first.

I wasn’t clear - DS threatened to kill DH.

And DH manhandled him to the floor?
Why do you think your teen son threatened to kill his father?

I don’t blame him.
You need to get yourself and your kids out quickly.

What a lot you are dealing with you must be knackered. I don't have advice because I think you already know.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago (dc similar age). I did not do enough. the kids and I are ok but lots of things never recovered and look unlikely to do so.

Honestly, do you think it would be better for everyone if you live separately for now. Your boys are needing a lot of extra care and time is of the essence as they go into adulthood (you don't need me to tell you this). You just can't hold that together with this going on.

When I had to make a bold move, a friend sat with me while I rang estate agents. Do you have any irl support.

You have already been brave and resilient to get this far. You can do what you need to do. One decision, one step at a time.

Sorry shocking grammar and I don't have the edit button. Hopefully you get the gist. You can do what you need to do. It will not get easier really. Time is a factor for your boys. Deep breath and take action.

Whose name is the rental agreement in? That makes a difference.

I know everything is overwhelming at the moment, but you have options. Working out which option is best is the first step.

Ask framework and women’s aid for advice about housing. If it’s in his name you can just leave. If it’s in yours, you can ask the police to help you make him leave.

If it’s joint, it’s much harder.

You can potentially register yourself and your dc as homeless, and see how long the council waiting list is in your area. You have two vulnerable children.

Time for action OP, it seems like you'd have enough money to set yourself up in a new rental? Whose name is on the current rental agreement? Start with figuring out how to extricate yourself from that as stage 1.

DH supporting himself, quite frankly, is DH's problem (he sounds awful)

The rental is in both our names. I know the landlords well enough to chat to.

The positive thing here is that you have realized your dh is shockingly abusive to you and your sons. This is long overdue and is a big step forward.

After this its just figuring out how to get him to leave.

You can do this. Just try to do it safely.

1. might he leave if he thought the police would get involved?
2. might he give up if, as suggested, you and the boys moved out?
3. Any trusted friends/relatives who could intercede?
4. what difference to income occurs after separation or divorce?

It doesn't really make a difference if they are married. However the good thing is that either of them can end the tenancy if they are joint tenants. The OP should get him out by means of reporting to the police and obtaining an occupation order and new tenancy agreement if possible, but if she'd rather move house she can end the tenancy (per the agreed terms) and leave

I would much rather stay in the house for least disruption for the kids. I’d give DH a deposit on somewhere - anything to make him go.

But then you are relying on him to do something he doesn't want to do. So it probably won't happen, even if it makes most sense.

If you can afford to grease the skids and move him out then by all means do so. One way of getting him to leave is just telling him outright, matter of factly, that you want a divorce and he needs to move out and get sn apartment and take the boys 50/50. Whats that? He doesn’t want them 50 percent of the time. Well—you will graciously accept his just going the fuck away.

I appreciate that you lack trust in the services but in this instance OP you are going to need all the help you can get, so lean into the services that are available to you. You don't have to like them, you need them currently though. He isn't leaving on his own you have said so you need extra support. Your child threatened him and he (adult) responded with violence. If you carry on as you are this behaviour has been condoned and will likely escalate. The ball is very much in your court but you need to reach out for help. It's ok to ask for help.

I have a similar situation.

Both my children have SEN and my youngest was out of school for some time with an additional severe medical issue.

DH refused to look after either of them of get involved with school. I spent fucking years mediating between them.

He genuinely hated our kids and in turn they hated him back.

My now ExH refused to accept any responsibility for the situation. My eldest moved out for uni (and never came back at all even in the holidays). My ExH then started to believe that it was as all the youngest's fault and that if we threw her out on the street (she had a severe auto immune disease and was not in school and under consultant care at this point) our marriage would be fine.

I refused to do this. He wouldn't move out and he started trying to be nasty to our youngest to get her to go.

Eventually it escalated to violence and she was very badly bruised.

We left.

Honestly your children will be so happy they are no longer around your DH they will not care about moving house by comparison,

Please leave. It won't get better and somebody could get badly hurt.

Get a rental in your name
Move out with dc
His income etc his issue.
Start divorce.

Your ds is acting out because of what he sees and hears around him

It seems to me there is nothing practical tying you to your husband other than the lease, and yet you feel emotionally obliged to look after him as he can’t support himself, is that right?

I doubt social services would be very interested in your 15-year-old threatening to kill your husband after he was attacked. They may however remove your husband from your home if you tell him he was violent to your child.

But if you don’t have faith in that route I think looking into moving out yourself (with kids) as PP suggests is the simplest way forward.

Thanks all so much. What happens about my liability for our current rent? I give notice for both of us? I think it’s 3 months.

So if I left today, say, I would be paying rent in 2 places for 3 months?