What an utter mess - teens and DH - help!

[MyUmberFinch]

I need to find a way through this. Other than "call social services / police".

My marriage has been awful for ages... over 15 years. DH is constantly complaining about me - he maintains I am a narcissist, I only think of myself, I'm an "idiot", a "drama queen", I'm "full of shit"....etc ...etc. Last time we went on a "date" he complained that I wasn't wearing makeup (I NEVER wear makeup) and said I looked like I'd just got out of bed. We were going out for a quick pizza, not a night at the Ritz. He tells me that all my friends and family think the same things about me, they are just too afraid to tell me to my face. He's talking rubbish, ofc.

My youngest son (15) hates DH, and has done for a long time, He recently threatened to kill him. He said some horrendously violent stuff. DH wrestled him to the floor and pinned him down. I was utterly shocked and this event has suddenly changed things. I don't want violence in my house.

DH has no family, doesn't earn enough to support himself, and is also unlikely to leave our rented home voluntarily. But I need to get DS and DH apart urgently, or something awful could happen.

I am self-employed, well-qualified (postgrad level), have some personal savings and the offer of some financial support from my mum. We rent from a private landlord.

Both my sons are out of education because of SEN (DS1) and mental health (DS2). Schools were hostile and completely unsupportive with both my sons - this in itself has been a huge challenge for many years - one I have faced completely on my own as DH doesn't get involved. DS1 has an EHCP and gets 1 hour of "provision" a week.

Hand-hold - what to do next? I tried Womens Aid - they only said to go to Social Services, but what can they really do? My personal and professional experience of "services" is not great.

DH is currently not speaking to me. I fear that if he does it will be a very explosive argument. I'm feeling exhausted and also trying to work.

I have done my absolute best to be a good person, love my sons, support them through life's ups and downs. I work hard, I look after myself, I have good friends who I gladly help and support with all sorts of stuff. I am a naturally positive and resilient person but this shitshow is really testing me and I just don't know what to do next.

the fact that your husband cannot support himself is not your lookout!

Er, as spouses , yes it is.

You are doing the best you can OP and you are putting your DC first. The first thing is to make sure you are safe and have a safety plan. Please make sure you have important documents and records and other personal and sentimental items stored somewhere he can't access.

If he has already been violet (pinned down and threatened DC) you should talk to the police about what support they can give you.

Start divorce proceedings and then negotiate who will leave. If you leave make sure the landlord is made aware so that they don't come after you for rent after your current agreement ends.

If DH gets worse call police and have him arrested. Then get a non molestation order to prevent him entering your street.

Good luck OP - here for hand hold

That is true. You’re likely to have to share any savings but I’d keep quiet about the offer of support from your mum. That can be post-divorce. Is savings all the assets there are? Are there pensions or any investments or anything?

Generally the court will look to meet both your needs and you both need rentals. Your DH will have to take steps to increase his earnings if he can’t currently support himself. However in a long marriage where you earn more than him, I’d expect the savings to be split more or less equally unless they came from an inheritance or predated the relationship. So that’s probably what I’d offer to get him to fuck off. Lawyers will basically eat up anything you have so I would try hard to avoid that route unless your savings are a huge amount.

I am not sure how long your rental contract is but speak to the landlord and ask them to serve notice two months before the end of the term and then grant you a new tenancy. Then remain there with the kids and once he’s out your life accept help from your mum.

At the moment he has a legal right to occupy due to being married and a joint tenancy. You can’t kick him out but if there is more violence then you could look to apply for an occupation order - WA should be able to help with this.

If you can agree with him that he goes right away then all the better. Remember to get any financial arrangement drawn up into a consent order - you can do this online. It needs to be approved by the court and make sure it terminates any potential maintenance claims between you.

Hopefully your boy will be better without his dad around but I’d speak to him if I was you.

Yes although the court will expect him to take steps to increase his earnings to be able to support himself. That or claim benefits. I can’t see them ordering OP to pay him any maintenance unless she actually earns 200k or something.
She will need to share the savings if they were accrued during the marriage.

Yes. Unless your current lanlord can relet quickly and the house is in a condition it can be relet quickly. Don't count on either.

what exactly happened? You say DH wrestled DS to the ground but was this an attack on DS? If so call the police with DS, report the incident and previous incidents you or the kids were put in danger, ask the police to remove DH from the house.

Is your name on the current rental agreement though?

I'd be worried that he'd say he's going but once you're in the Airbnb he would change his mind and the locks, then you're stuck trying to get back in witj nowhere else to go.

And I get that's it's a rental so he shouldn't be changing the locks, but I just can't see him not sabotaging your plans.

Tell your DH to leave. Why are you bending over backwards to make yourself and your children homeless so that you don’t inconvenience him?
If he refuses to go, tell him you’ll call the police and report how he assaulted your son (which is what you should be doing anyway).
Woman up!

Once you’ve ditched the DH, you really need to access therapy for you and your sons. The whole thing sounds like a toxic mess.

Report him to the police, then get organised to move to another rental.

I must have missed where the OP says both DSs are autistic. She said both are out of school - older has SEN and no proper provision despite an EHCP and the younger DS due to MH issues.

Agree with others that it sounds like the younger DS made threats to kill (OP said in her own words he said horrendously violent stuff) THEN his Dad restrained him and got him on the ground. Not clear if the DS was holding anything that could be used as a weapon or making movements that the Dad took that he was planning to carry out his threat in which case this may have been justified.

You need to move out asap with DC OP. You can’t force your H to move out if property is in his name and giving notice will take too long and risk something extremely serious happening. Can you move with the DSs to a relative until you find a property? Let current landlord know you have moved out in writing due to serious risk of harm occurring and deal with fallout later. Most important thing is nothing happens that can risk anyone’s life.

Is your DS under CAHMS or getting MH support? He understandably holds a lot of rage to his father and definitely needs to work though it. Hopefully not living in the toxic environment he’s been brought up in any longer will start some healing.

Did your H not want another child and resent you for it? You said marriage went to shit 15 years ago and youngest is 15. Has DS picked up that his Dad never wanted him do you think?

Op I know you don’t want to but I too would have dh arrested and then request a non mol order - which means he is not allowed to contact you or the children. This will buy you time to run down your current rental contract - give notice the same day - find a new place to live and most urgently and importantly protect your children.

You might feel it’s only come to this because your son is now older, but your dh has been abusing you all for decades.

The police and courts are going to take a very dim view of the situation- your dc are very vulnerable. They will take steps to support you.

I'm aware, which is why I said it's not straightforward. Given that OP has the children to house, her need would likely be considered greater.

Your dh is not your problem the minute you split up. It’s imperative that you do. For the sake of your children.

I’ve told him I want to separate. As many of you predicted, he is not going to make this easy.

Even though he’s spent literally years telling me what an awful and horrible person I am!

He’s blaming me for everything.

Some good points here. I’m not going to leave the house.

I have asked that we talk tomorrow about what happens next. I don’t expect him to be cooperative in the slightest.

Just nod and agree and keep yourself safe. You know he has to blame you. If he didn’t blame you he would have to take some responsibility, and that isn’t going to happen.

Good point. I need to forget any notion of justice or fairness here because there is none.

@MyUmberFinch yes, get him out if you can, seek to change lease to you only and stay put with kids. I think your son threatened him because he sees how awful he is and got to the end of his tether. Not condoning the threat but understand it. I’m sure the kids’ behaviour will improve when he is gone.

Don’t let this drag on: set deadlines, like you have here, and stick to them. Ie if he won’t talk tomorrow then take action without him.

The justice will come in the shape of freedom, of not living every day on your nerves and your children not living in fear.
You know who is to blame here, you don’t need to hear from him.

You are jointly liable for the rent so if it’s not paid the landlord can pursue either of you for the full amount of arrears. If your husband remains it’s more likely the landlord will pursue him while he’s there. You probably need legal advice about this and other aspects of a separation

It appears that he’s the narcissist not you. Very typical