What an utter mess - teens and DH - help!

[MyUmberFinch]

I need to find a way through this. Other than "call social services / police".

My marriage has been awful for ages... over 15 years. DH is constantly complaining about me - he maintains I am a narcissist, I only think of myself, I'm an "idiot", a "drama queen", I'm "full of shit"....etc ...etc. Last time we went on a "date" he complained that I wasn't wearing makeup (I NEVER wear makeup) and said I looked like I'd just got out of bed. We were going out for a quick pizza, not a night at the Ritz. He tells me that all my friends and family think the same things about me, they are just too afraid to tell me to my face. He's talking rubbish, ofc.

My youngest son (15) hates DH, and has done for a long time, He recently threatened to kill him. He said some horrendously violent stuff. DH wrestled him to the floor and pinned him down. I was utterly shocked and this event has suddenly changed things. I don't want violence in my house.

DH has no family, doesn't earn enough to support himself, and is also unlikely to leave our rented home voluntarily. But I need to get DS and DH apart urgently, or something awful could happen.

I am self-employed, well-qualified (postgrad level), have some personal savings and the offer of some financial support from my mum. We rent from a private landlord.

Both my sons are out of education because of SEN (DS1) and mental health (DS2). Schools were hostile and completely unsupportive with both my sons - this in itself has been a huge challenge for many years - one I have faced completely on my own as DH doesn't get involved. DS1 has an EHCP and gets 1 hour of "provision" a week.

Hand-hold - what to do next? I tried Womens Aid - they only said to go to Social Services, but what can they really do? My personal and professional experience of "services" is not great.

DH is currently not speaking to me. I fear that if he does it will be a very explosive argument. I'm feeling exhausted and also trying to work.

I have done my absolute best to be a good person, love my sons, support them through life's ups and downs. I work hard, I look after myself, I have good friends who I gladly help and support with all sorts of stuff. I am a naturally positive and resilient person but this shitshow is really testing me and I just don't know what to do next.

I’ve found an Air BnB locally that I could get today, for 2 weeks.

What if I persuade him to go?

He has 2 weeks to get his shit together and go. Then I move back in, and swap tenancy into my name only.

Is this pie-in-the-sky?

No, you serve notice and make plans to move over that 3 months.

I'd be planning an exit plan, he's not going to go. It sounds like your son has such a dislike for your husband because of how he behaves. Protect the teens and get the frick out of there. Tell the landlord you're off once you've found a new property and be honest about why you are leaving. Your other option is to have him removed - that would be a police matter and possibly court. Sounds like you and your teens need a fresh start! A new home and a chance to press the pause button on this toxic situation will be just what you all need. I known it's scary but living like this you'll likely lose your teens and the resentment will build.

Why did your son threaten to kill his father? Seems like your H pinned him to the ground as a response to that. How would you have liked him to respond? Is your son threatening a common occurrence?
Comments are treating this like the H is suddenly violent, but not considering this is in response to a serious threat. What has been going on until now?
By all means if you are not happy then break the marriage anyway. Just not many details on how you all have gotten to this stage.

If you don't want to get the police to remove your husband then I would start by telling your husband you want to split up, do it with another adult present if you are at all afraid he might become violent. Do not mention the children as a reason to split up despite it being a very good reason.

Then give him the choice of moving out or staying and taking on the lease (so you don't have to pay twice). Making it his decision means he can't insist you still pay unlike if you suddenly up and leave.

I think women's aid should be doing more.

Husband is awful and abusive, son is a child and has sen, and you take the DH’s side……what is wrong with you, what a strange response.

no, you tell him to go and file for divorce. don't leave the house.

if he gets violent again then you call the police.

if he agrees to move out then get him to agree to be removed from the lease - talk to the landlord and get it amended. better to stay where you are if you can afford the rent and bills on your own.

I think you’ve had poor advice from WA. I would try them again. There is a lot that can be done to get him out.

You take control of the situation and you leave with the aid of a couple of male family members/friends
Accept all support thats offered
And then you sit your boys down and explain to them that you're keeping them safe from now on
Your DS was probably at the end of his tether with regards to his Father
By staying your showing that it's acceptable for one human being to treat another one like shit
It'll be hard at first but think about the relief you'll all eventually feel when you don't have to walk on eggshells any more and you're all at peace
If it carries on someone is going to get hurt/be arrested
Just pre empt it by removing you and your boys from the situation

Do you not think that your H's (i refuse to call an abuser 'dear' anything) behaviour and attitude towards you might be behind some of your childrens mental health problems?

I had a H like yours, my kids were unhappy, scared, and witnessing his abuse of me regularly (always verbal) and their MH was nose diving.. the moment i grew a pair and left his ass and moved them somewhere peaceful, safe, and free of him they settled and began to thrive.

You need to leave him, get him out, get you and them out. Put your kids first and get them away from him.

I think you need to get out now, then deal with it.

Do you have father/brothers/male friends who would come back round with you when you have left? Or the police will escort you to get your things.

Tell him he has the 2 weeks to leave or you will put notice in on the house and you will both have to find somewhere else.

Child with a knife in hand ..walk away. Talk calmly to try to get knife dropped
Child saying verbal threats
.
Walk away ..

The h is adult and to respond with violence tells you who he is

You'll have to find a new place and beg your landlord to take you off the lease otherwise you will be forced to pay if you leave and your H won't pay.
You absolutely must leave. I would have reported him for attacking your DS, the police would have got him out then. Report him now.
Its his own bloody problem if he's homeless.

Police will remove him ,if you tell them he attacked your son ,and press charges .

If you know your landlords to chat to can you speak to them, give notice to end your current tenancy and then start a new one at the end of it for your same place with just your name on? I don’t know if that would be possible?

Have you got a copy of your tenancy agreement?

Contact Shelter and ask for advice regarding getting out of the tenancy.

And contact your landlords and tell them you’re fleeing your DH and want to be removed from the contract.

If your landlord is reasonable could you give notice on your joint tenancy. Tell him you both have to be out. Go stay with a friend/ parent for a few days then move back in with a tenancy in your name only? I think you need your stop worrying about what's going to happen to him, thinking about paying his rent etc. he's not your problem. Tell him you've given notice. He has to leave.

If you stay are you sure that he will leave you all alone and not still treat it like his home?

This exactly

I have to agree with this.

In this case the kids will probably feel MORE stable if you leave together. It's not just the getting rid of him, but the fact that you took action and removed them - you had their back.

Do it. Don't delay.

Tell your landlords you're leaving on the day you do and ask to be taken off the lease.

Do not tell your ex where you are moving to. Make sure the school know not to release your new address details.

UC can pay for 2 properties when you are fleeing DV if you intend to return to the property when it's safe, this can be for up to 12 months.

I have some knowledge of Rental agreements and its not as simple as taking your H off. Both he and the LL will need to agree and you may need a new one.
As long as he is on there he could move back in no matter what other arrangements have been made or what money you have given him.
If your Tenancy agreement allows for it then it might be best to end it and get the LL to do a completely new one just for you if possible.
If you decide to just go and default then the LL will probably keep your deposit (again once proper procedure has been followed) BUT it could affect your credit rating long term if the LL takes legal action against you for non payment. You may also need a reference from your existing LL for the new place and he probably can't do that until you give notice
The best option is to speak to your LL and explain that you pay the rent and are happy tocontinue to do so BUT you can't live with your H anymore so one of you will have to move and what would the LL prefer?

Regarding your tenancy agreement, I don't believe you can give notice for both of you without your husband's agreement. You can approach the landlord and ask to be taken off the tenancy but you would need to move out with your sons, which may be the cleanest approach. Until you are off the tenancy agreement you will be liable for the rent, particularly if your husband stops paying.

Your husband may not agree to move out himself because, as you say, he can't afford to finance a place on his own. He will also be liable for child maintenance if you aren't living together.

You may need to buckle up for a bumpy ride as it doesn't sound like your husband will be reasonable in this. You can get some advice regarding the tenancy from Citizens Advice. They may be able to point you in the direction of some initial free legal advice if you're considering divorce.

I’d contact the police - ds verbally threatened him yes (after years of abuse I’m sure!) and yet your eh responded with physical violence - doesn’t matter what ds said, I’d use this and get statements off the kids to the police and get him kicked out of your home!