What an utter mess - teens and DH - help!

[MyUmberFinch]

I need to find a way through this. Other than "call social services / police".

My marriage has been awful for ages... over 15 years. DH is constantly complaining about me - he maintains I am a narcissist, I only think of myself, I'm an "idiot", a "drama queen", I'm "full of shit"....etc ...etc. Last time we went on a "date" he complained that I wasn't wearing makeup (I NEVER wear makeup) and said I looked like I'd just got out of bed. We were going out for a quick pizza, not a night at the Ritz. He tells me that all my friends and family think the same things about me, they are just too afraid to tell me to my face. He's talking rubbish, ofc.

My youngest son (15) hates DH, and has done for a long time, He recently threatened to kill him. He said some horrendously violent stuff. DH wrestled him to the floor and pinned him down. I was utterly shocked and this event has suddenly changed things. I don't want violence in my house.

DH has no family, doesn't earn enough to support himself, and is also unlikely to leave our rented home voluntarily. But I need to get DS and DH apart urgently, or something awful could happen.

I am self-employed, well-qualified (postgrad level), have some personal savings and the offer of some financial support from my mum. We rent from a private landlord.

Both my sons are out of education because of SEN (DS1) and mental health (DS2). Schools were hostile and completely unsupportive with both my sons - this in itself has been a huge challenge for many years - one I have faced completely on my own as DH doesn't get involved. DS1 has an EHCP and gets 1 hour of "provision" a week.

Hand-hold - what to do next? I tried Womens Aid - they only said to go to Social Services, but what can they really do? My personal and professional experience of "services" is not great.

DH is currently not speaking to me. I fear that if he does it will be a very explosive argument. I'm feeling exhausted and also trying to work.

I have done my absolute best to be a good person, love my sons, support them through life's ups and downs. I work hard, I look after myself, I have good friends who I gladly help and support with all sorts of stuff. I am a naturally positive and resilient person but this shitshow is really testing me and I just don't know what to do next.

Put it this way - if your dh was able to feel even the smallest amount of remorse, genuine regret and empathy you wouldn’t be planning to leave him, because he will have already addressed this already and be repairing as much as possible, after a stint in therapy and some reflection. He would know and be aware of the damage he is causing to his own children op.
Deadlines and stick to it.
Every time you waver remember what it is going to feel like when your son finally snaps.

Thw future of your teens relies on you recognising this has gone too far now, and you can at last hold your head up high, by putting their welfare first. You will always know that you realised the danger and you acted.

It sounds like your husband is financially reliant on you so is he likely to just walk away from that?
In your shoes I’d speak to the landlord, explain for safety reasons this must be confidential, give him notice you’re leaving. If you can offer a month’s rent in lieu of two months notice, they might accept that. ( as an ex landlord I’d have helped any tenant who told me they or their kids were at risk)
Move out with kids to your mum’s , safety in numbers, then look for another rental.
If kids are old enough to decide no contact with their father go with that.
if he harasses you call police.

Wise words!

In your future 'talks', remember 'JADE', never Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain.

When he outlines your 'many faults' or says "This is all your fault" just say "Well, then you'll be glad to be rid of me" or words to that effect. Disarm him, take away his weapons. If he asks you why, just say you aren't happy and leave it at that. Fight the urge to defend yourself or point out his faults. He won't hear or agree with you anyway, so why waste your breath.

If at all possible, have this discussion when the DC are not around. You don't want him dragging them into the middle of it.

my ex gave a lot of 'i don't understand' wanting me to justify/explain so he could argue.

I just told him that i wasn't discussing it because he didn't need to understand my decision, just to respect it.