What an utter mess - teens and DH - help!

[MyUmberFinch]

I need to find a way through this. Other than "call social services / police".

My marriage has been awful for ages... over 15 years. DH is constantly complaining about me - he maintains I am a narcissist, I only think of myself, I'm an "idiot", a "drama queen", I'm "full of shit"....etc ...etc. Last time we went on a "date" he complained that I wasn't wearing makeup (I NEVER wear makeup) and said I looked like I'd just got out of bed. We were going out for a quick pizza, not a night at the Ritz. He tells me that all my friends and family think the same things about me, they are just too afraid to tell me to my face. He's talking rubbish, ofc.

My youngest son (15) hates DH, and has done for a long time, He recently threatened to kill him. He said some horrendously violent stuff. DH wrestled him to the floor and pinned him down. I was utterly shocked and this event has suddenly changed things. I don't want violence in my house.

DH has no family, doesn't earn enough to support himself, and is also unlikely to leave our rented home voluntarily. But I need to get DS and DH apart urgently, or something awful could happen.

I am self-employed, well-qualified (postgrad level), have some personal savings and the offer of some financial support from my mum. We rent from a private landlord.

Both my sons are out of education because of SEN (DS1) and mental health (DS2). Schools were hostile and completely unsupportive with both my sons - this in itself has been a huge challenge for many years - one I have faced completely on my own as DH doesn't get involved. DS1 has an EHCP and gets 1 hour of "provision" a week.

Hand-hold - what to do next? I tried Womens Aid - they only said to go to Social Services, but what can they really do? My personal and professional experience of "services" is not great.

DH is currently not speaking to me. I fear that if he does it will be a very explosive argument. I'm feeling exhausted and also trying to work.

I have done my absolute best to be a good person, love my sons, support them through life's ups and downs. I work hard, I look after myself, I have good friends who I gladly help and support with all sorts of stuff. I am a naturally positive and resilient person but this shitshow is really testing me and I just don't know what to do next.

Personally I’d pack up and leave to avoid the risk of further violence. Take up your mums offer.

There is serious abuse of the mother!

It’s worth speaking to your landlord ( and the letting / management agency ) and tell them you want to move because you are fleeing domestic abuse. If you’ve been a good tenant, they will want to keep you and they may be able or offer you another property. Good landlords often know others in the area who might have something coming up and are happy to have someone who they know will pay the rent and look after the property.

I know it makes more sense for your Husband to move out but I don’t think he’s the type to make things easier for you and the kids, he will be the “ I know my rights “ type.

This is the quickest way to get away from him. I know that in theory you should be able to get held from Social services etc but the reality is that they are VERY unhelpful, slow and bureaucratic. I suspect your H will then make counter allegations against you or your son and Ss love spending months investigating that kind of thing.

Don’t give your husband your new address. If the boys want to see him ( they are old enough to choose ) , arrange contact elsewhere eg MacDonalds.

Put in a claim for child support to CMS from the day you move out.

That sounds like pie in the sky.

You said earlier that DH was unlikely to agree to leave. Why would he do so when you’ve gone away for two weeks? Also, unless the rental market near you is in desperate need of tenants that’s no where near enough time. It’s taken me longer than 2 weeks to find a place and secure the leases when I’ve had been easily able to afford the rent.

If your DH isn’t going to cooperate with you splitting up (which is what I took from your initial post) you are unlikely to be able to keep your current place without a war of attrition. Which will take a significant amount of time and be awful for you and the kids to live through.

You could try a lawyer and see if they think you have a chance of getting an occupancy order but, again, even if you can that’s likely to take a fair bit of time (and cost a fair bit). The quickest and least combative way to split up will almost certainly be for you to find a new place and move there (though I’m unclear on this 3 month notice you mention, that’s unusual).

Yes but I wouldn’t just assume that all will be magically solved by divorcing the dad. What if the son threatens to kill the mum next? It’s not normal to threaten to kill your parents, even if they are wankers.

Your husband is emotionally abusive. You should protect your children and leave him.

Your savings are not ‘your’ savings, they are a marital asset, equally any saving he may have. Your DH is entitled to some of them so it is not just you giving him a deposit.

You have what experience? You grew up in one family. What qualifications do you have?

It's quite straightforward really. You are the one with the job and money. Your mother will also assist financially. Arrange a new private let. Move out. Same day give current landlord notice of YOUR departure and pay the notice period (usually 2 months). It would be nice not to have to do this but it's worth it. Don't tell husband where you are going. Get 3 month mail redirection so he can't access anything. Initiate divorce. If he requests access to kids it sounds as if they are of the age where their choice will factor into it.

Then get some mental health treatment for kids as sounds as if they need it.

Years of non-connection. Occasional outbursts of shouting, grabbing, insulting, over the years. But also daily grumpiness and unpredictability. H rarely has “fun” with any of us. He lectures and monologues and we all have to listen.

H doesn’t do anything with DS. DS sees other dads go fishing, doing DIY, just “stuff” with their sons, but H spends most of his free time gaming.

Agree with this.

If you have resources, this is worth it.

it's not always as straightforward as this - it depends on whether they have mingled finances or not. even then, splitting of money is not always 50/50 as it will be subject to need. in this case op needs to house herself and two dependent children.

You are doing exactly the right thing now op.
You are going to end up with a far bigger problem if ds does seriously injure or kill his father in self defence. You will wish you had left when you could, no matter how hard it might feel. Your children can not stay with that monster. At 15 and with the issues he has your son won’t necessarily have the capacity to control himself.

I was the child in this situation. My mother didn’t leave. The last time my father beat me I picked up a heavy brass lamp and hit him as hard as I could to get him away from me. I could easily killed him. And after 15 years of abuse I don’t think anyone would have blamed me, but the best way is to get your children and yourself to safety asap.

This has already crossed so many red lines and I really hope you can do it before the next explosion. This is only going to get worse. Your son is now a match for his father and after a life time of resentment and hatred this isn’t going to go away. Please keep us updated.

I would personally move the children to stay with a friend or family member if possible.

If you have any joint accounts or if he has your passwords to anything I would take steps to protect yourself before you tell him it's over (change pins, passwords etc, close or freeze joint account if you can). I'm not suggesting leaving him with no money, just not allowing him to drain all your accounts in retaliation. If you can afford it and you don't think he will leave it might be easier all round to just move out with the children and take yourself off the rental agreement after the appropriate notice period.

I think if you do this, he may leave in two weeks but he will certainly leave with anything of value that you jointly own.

Either of you can serve notice. Assuming you can find another property which you can afford I would start by giving three months notice to your landlord but stating that you would be interested in a new lease solely in your name.
Consult a solicitor about a fast track divorce.
Tell your husband that you want a divorce and assuming he does not want 50:50 care, you want him to move out within 30 days. This is not negotiable you want him gone before Christmas. He can go to an Airbnb now and you will pay for 2 weeks/30 days and after that he's on his own. [whatever you think will work so he can sort his shit out but that you can also cover rent and bills as they arrive]
If he goes, change the locks, ask the landlord for forgiveness later. Or ask for his keys and if he gets nasty call the police. Problem sorted.
If you think he will get physical / verbally abusive then I would line up the police in advance.
If you think your kids can keep quiet I would forewarn them but also how important it is that they don't escalate things physically if your DH kicks off. You will or they are tasked with calling the police who will be on standby.

If your husband is refusing to leave, make your preparations to go on the quiet. Line up a removal company and prepare to do a moonlight flit with the kids while he is at work, the tv and the nice sofa you paid for :) If your sons have capacity to understand, the three of you can spend some time quietly have a nice pre Christmas tidy up/clear out to charity and potentially put some stuff into a temp storage unit so on the day it's just furniture and the contents of their wardrobes.

New year, new you, new family unit. You can totally rid yourself of this drain on your sanity and your health.

i would 1) ask for divorce/separation first.

Inly then if he starts arguing logistics would I make any effort to buy or bribe him out. If at all possible you want him to rage quit the marriage and the apartment. Then you can puck up the pieces in the most cost effective way for you. You can negotiate to assume the whole lease to your current apartment and while that is costly it is less costly than the cost of the move. If you can avoid paying for him that is the best.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams said it best! That us an excellent plan of action.

Huh? Are you saying threats to kill are normal? Really?

@MyUmberFinch the fact that your husband cannot support himself is not your lookout! he sounds horrid. I suspect that your hubby has said something to your son and he is so sick of him and reacted violently. your duty is to your sons, not to a nasty husband like you have!

@MyUmberFinch massive squishes.

could you talk confidently to your landlords. If they know you are the prime owner etc would they be able to put the tenancy in your name?

do not put Not so DH up in an Airbnb. If he destroys it and it’s your name on the booking you will be liable for damage.

the local council have emergency housing etc and temporary accommodation.

Talk to social services they will help with this. DH is a risk to the mental and physical safety of your children whilst in the home and should be removed from it.

If OP is in England then if it's a joint tenancy for a fixed duration it can only be terminated by both. If it's a continuing tenancy, 1 tenant can give notice and it can be terminated for both by one party giving notice unless the tenancy agreement says otherwise.

If OP is in Scotland and has a PRT one tenant can't give notice (it's a complete mess up here) and landlord can't just agree to end the tenancy and renew only in OP's name. OP could move out but would remain jointly liable for rent.

In both jurisdictions OP needs to factor in her financial obligations to her spouse.

could you talk confidently to your landlords. If they know you are the prime owner etc would they be able to put the tenancy in your name?

A landlord can't unilaterally change a contract at one party's request to disadvantage the other party.

It does depend on the type and length of tenancy and if she can possibly get partner to agree to something once she knows all the facts.

she’s better of having a talk to the landlords first rather than leaping into plans involving airbnbs and leaving her home and moving away etc.

Finances do not need to be mingled to be marital assets. The DH needs will also be considered - including the need for a deposit to secure alternative housing.

OP has two sons with autism. Autism is overwhelmingly genetic. It is likely the father is autistic too.