How do I explain LBTQ+ club to my year 7 son?

[elliejjtiny]

Ds4 is 11 and in year 7. He likes to go to clubs at lunchtime, mostly because if you are going to a club you can go to the front of the dinner queue. Ds4 is disabled so he usually ends up at the back of the queue otherwise.

Anyway, one of the club's is the LBQT+ club. Only he doesn't understand what the club is. I asked him what they do there and he said they play games, make badges and sometimes there is cake. He has been asking me what the letters mean but I don't know what to tell him. I could explain about families with 2 mum's or 2 dad's but that seems not quite right when the people going to the club are secondary school aged and I would have thought a large proportion of them are there to get out of the cold and for free cake. Also I have no idea how to explain the other letters to a child who doesn't understand the concept of sex/relationships yet. I'm very conscious that whatever I tell him will be repeated and I don't want him accidentally offending anybody.

We don't know any LBQT+ people apart from 2 of his teachers so I can't say that being trans is like uncle Dave who used to be Auntie Davina or explain that being gay is like Amelia from school who has 2 mums.

Does your DS not have any knowledge (even abstract) of same sex attraction amongst grown ups?
if he doesn’t then I suppose you’re starting from scratch, but it doesn’t need to be complicated. Eg “daddy and I are in love and were a man and a woman, but sometimes men love men and women love women”. And then say that the club is to celebrate that everyone is free to love in the way they want.

Is he really not aware that some people are gay? That's really surprising at 11. It's an easy one to explain.

I can't believe that a child in year 7 would have no knowledge of the words lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans or queer. He will know from his friends, TV or the internet.

Tell him what the letters stand for and if he has questions answer them honestly.

You really need to be talking with him about sex and relationships now so he gets accurate information from you and doesn't pick up odd-headed and worrying misinformation from his mates or porn that he takes to be fact

Do the club leaders know he had limited understanding?

(Same sex attraction is covered in relationships at Primary school)

He's 11 and he knows nothing about sex or relationships at all? Then you've not done a very basic part of parenting. You need to be open and honest with your child about these things in an age appropriate way.

Did he not go to primary school?

I agree at 11 it's pretty unusual to be unaware people can be gay. Especially if he is your fourth child and has older siblings!

I'd go with something along the lines of "lesbian means a woman who wants to marry another woman not a man, bisexual means someone who could marry either a man or a woman, and gay means a man who wants to marry a man. Trans means a man who wants to live as a woman or a woman who wants to live as a man. Q and + are letters used for people who think they might belong in this group but aren't sure yet, or who want to support this group. Some people who go to the group might have two mums or two dads, or have gay or trans family members. Others might be realising that they have crushes on their own sex and so they might be gay or bisexual."

I used the term marry when explaining it to my own child (though that was well before the age of 11!) because "be with" or "relationship" can be blurred with close friendships for children and it might not be clear enough.

I mean

im resllly not sure what the problem is?

it means this…..this is because…..sometimes women want to marry women etc

Does he have any SEN in addition to his (presumably physical) disability?

OP is there sen at play? Social challenges?

Children in reception know of same sex families.

However my kids have always known as some of our best friends are gay women.

surely you add it on to sex education that you did when he was younger?

Unless there is a massive dripfeed around SEN I cannot believe he has got to Y7 without knowing any of this.

I don't think you need to know any LGBTQ people to explain it. My DD is 5 and knows that men can marry men and women can marry women and some people might have two mums etc. It's just the kind of thing you explain naturally, really, when they start asking questions about that kind of thing. I've never had to sit her down to explain it because it's just been something that's come out of normal childhood discussions.

I'd be surprised if he didn't already know about people being gay etc. at that age, even if he doesn't link it to the LGBTQ terminology itself.

Have you really never discussed this? Mine (with additional needs) in mainstream knew about different relationships in reception. They've definitely covered it in primary school. I'm amazed someone has got to 11 without knowing what lesbian or gay etc means.

You don't need to talk about sex, he'll understand what it means to fancy/have a crush on people as he's probably experiencing all that himself. So use that to explain LGB. Then T you can say people who were born boy but feel more like a girl (vice versa) and Q is all different kinds of combinations of the above, plus people who don't fancy anyone (asexual) and other types of identities. The club is to give those people a safe happy space as sometime they're not made to feel safe and happy elsewhere as they feel different.

If your 11 year old son really knows nothing about sex and relationships then you have done him a disservice and I'm not sure where you would start. He will of course have heard friends talk about all sorts of things so probably has some very confused ideas if you haven't given him a basic grounding to start with. Suggest you keep it very simple. A relationship is when two people love each other. It's most common for that to be a man and a woman which is called heterosexuality. Sometimes two men or two women love each other - that is called being gay/ lesbian/ homosexual. Because that's more unusual than being heterosexual it's good for them to have a place where they can meet other people who are also gay and share some of their experiences, and that's what the club is for.

The TQ part will need a bit more explanation but I think starting with the basics is the priority.

Surely they must talk about gay and trans issues in the group? It seems a little odd he's attending seemingly without even knowing the concept of fancying someone of the same sex? Could it be he is feeling that way himself, but doesn't know how to express it? I'd be quite surprised if he doesn't gain knowledge naturally on the subject just by going there. They will have taught sex education in primary school so he must know what being gay is. And they must at least briefly cover that people who feel like the opposite gender can be trans.

If your 11 year old son really knows nothing about sex and relationships then you have done him a disservice and I'm not sure where you would start. He will of course have heard friends talk about all sorts of things so probably has some very confused ideas if you haven't given him a basic grounding to start with. Suggest you keep it very simple. A relationship is when two people love each other. It's most common for that to be a man and a woman which is called heterosexuality. Sometimes two men or two women love each other - that is called being gay/ lesbian/ homosexual. Because that's more unusual than being heterosexual it's good for them to have a place where they can meet other people who are also gay and share some of their experiences, and that's what the club is for.

The TQ part will need a bit more explanation but I think starting with the basics is the priority.

This should mostly have been covered in primary school. But if he's still unsure just tell him what it means. I really don't see what the issue is

In your explanation of the club important not to assume he's straight and doesnt belong at the club. He might secretly have crushes on boys, who knows!

LgBT topics will have been covered in PSHE if he is in a mainstream school, in mostly mainstream lessons then he should have some awareness. Or from TV, or from books.

Im not a fan of LGB clubs in school, whilst I know that may people know they are attracted to one sex or another from a young age I don't think relationships between any students should be the norm at KS3, having a safe space for KS4 pupils on the other hand is more appropriate and they don't turn up when it's full of 11 year olds.

DD did go to the LGB club at school though, they made badges of the relevant flags, learnt about the history and struggle and the Stonewall riots and about famous people who were same sex attracted and often punished for it, the fight for legislation for same sex marriage etc. So from a civil rights and history point of view it was great.

Why does your 11 year old not understand sex yet? Surely that's where you need to start!

If it was me i'd probably say it's for gay/lesbian people ie people who think they might fancy the same sex

I would be extremely wary about him attending a club like this. I would want to know that it is overseen by a responsible adult and not other teens, given the safeguarding issues surrounding this and the potential for teen influence and the impact upon their mental health.