How do I explain LBTQ+ club to my year 7 son?

[elliejjtiny]

Ds4 is 11 and in year 7. He likes to go to clubs at lunchtime, mostly because if you are going to a club you can go to the front of the dinner queue. Ds4 is disabled so he usually ends up at the back of the queue otherwise.

Anyway, one of the club's is the LBQT+ club. Only he doesn't understand what the club is. I asked him what they do there and he said they play games, make badges and sometimes there is cake. He has been asking me what the letters mean but I don't know what to tell him. I could explain about families with 2 mum's or 2 dad's but that seems not quite right when the people going to the club are secondary school aged and I would have thought a large proportion of them are there to get out of the cold and for free cake. Also I have no idea how to explain the other letters to a child who doesn't understand the concept of sex/relationships yet. I'm very conscious that whatever I tell him will be repeated and I don't want him accidentally offending anybody.

We don't know any LBQT+ people apart from 2 of his teachers so I can't say that being trans is like uncle Dave who used to be Auntie Davina or explain that being gay is like Amelia from school who has 2 mums.

Just tell him the truth. That it is a club for people who are or think they may be physically and romantically attracted to the same sex, and want somewhere to be able to discuss that or just to hang out and discuss other things without feeling uncomfortable about being mocked or judged or bullied.

If he asks if he can go along, say it's likely that the group welcomes people who support them, whether gay or straight.

*Deleted as I misread OP and thought the kid was 7.

A club like this? Do you mean a club that has to exist for the mental and emotional health of 11+ kids because they don't happen to fit the wider world which is basically mostly a massive fucking club for heterosexual people?!

Have you asked him why he decided to join / attend the club? Presumably he goes with friends or speaks to his peers there and they’ve given him some insight into what it’s about and whether they attend because they are or are questioning whether they might be gay or lesbian? Presumably the whole point of the club is to be a safe place for young people to talk and ask questions about sexuality and attraction, or to socialise with others who might be questioning their sexuality - how has he remained completely oblivious to the topics being raised and conversations going on around him?

I don’t know why people are going on about same-sex marriages. This is a club for children. They’re not having sex in the bloody lunch room. It’s for the waifs and strays and the NDs Your son might love it or not let him try

"Ds4 is disabled so he usually ends up at the back of the queue otherwise."

Putting aside the clubs, isn't this the issue? If he is physically disabled can the school not provide him with a bit of extra support for the lunch queue?

You are so right @baroqueandblue . The homophobia is alive and well.

A tiny space to be authentic to have clear view that members of the club be they representative of LGBT Q+ or an ally.

Surely at 11 he knows a bit about puberty and that it's coming soon? If not you need to fix that first!
After that it's not a hard concept to explain that the hormones you get in puberty do start getting you interested in forming relationships, although it will be many years before you are ready to start having a life-partner. When me and dad were growing up everyone assumed that all boys were interested in relationships with girls and all girls were interested in relationships with boys but obviously that's not true. You know that some men have relationships with men and some women have relationships with women. Well before things like LGBT club it could be very lonely and sad for the teenagers who are just realising that they are experiencing something a bit different from everyone else who is going through puberty so having a club is really important. It's probably not appropriate to join it until you've started puberty and have a good idea about whether this is going to be a big deal for you. Of course if you want to join at that point then you can.

You do know some LGBTQ+ people. You just don't know that you do. Have a think about why that might be.

To add, it might be worth raising it with the school if he truly has no idea what the club is for or about. The member/s of staff running it aren’t doing a very good job of it and are ultimately doing a bit of a disservice to the young people who’d really like some support around their sexuality or questioning if there’s absolutely no mention or discussion of it to the extent children are attending with no idea what it’s for.

Sorry but you’ve really let your child down by allowing him to start secondary school not knowing this.

Ffs at some of the comments, if it is a club for 11 year olds they’re not going to be promoting talk about the physical act of having sex!

All you need to tell him as that he has a mum and dad who love each other, some men fall in love with other men and some women fall in love with other women. Some children might have two dads or two mums. And sometime boys or girls might really like another boy or girl and don’t know what this means and that it isn’t something to worry about now and he can think more about that when he’s older and starting to think about going on dates or whatever you want to call it etc.

And that some people think that only men and women can love each other so can be unkind to people who are different so there are groups where people can have a safe space to talk about their feelings or their family without others being unkind

I would have thought so.

Did people not read the bit in the op where she detailed her child is disabled?!?

None of you know the extent of these disabilities but they have presumably led to where he is now.

I wouldn't let my child attend this club given what you've detailed that he doesn't know what's going on. There are growing numbers of safeguarding concerns around the T aspect.

I think though that people can think of clubs like this as if it is only for kids who may have feeling for other boys/girls and then worry about what that then leads to/entails but it is likely much more than that.

There might be kids whose parents are LGBTQ+ and they’re in the club to share understanding or get support.

Agree that it needs to be a safe space and that some topics may be appropriate for 15/16 year olds to discuss but not appropriate for 11/12 year olds so in that sense there needs to be an adult or something keeping an eye on the club.

Also agree that 11/12 it is too early for kids to be thinking about getting into any sort of ‘romantic ‘relationship’ but I think often people’s first instinct is to focus on kids attending because they think they might be LGBTQ+ but it isn’t always the case

I no longer trust schools to present this topic appropriately and am on very high alert about discussion of anything 'queer' with children and pre teens. There is simply too much variability in the level of oversight and different political approaches. If he's not strongly interested in the issues I would tell him the truth and encourage him to do something else at lunchtime.

I appreciate that this wasn't the point of the thread, but being disabled shouldn't mean that your son is always at the back of the lunch queue 😔

I'd suggest speaking to the school about what adjustments they can make for him so that he's not disadvantaged at lunch.

I'm confused what the club is to be honest - is it ONLY for children who are/might be LBTQ+ etc? Or for all children?

If anyone can attend then it's just the games and cake club?!

Hmm...aged 11 boy not knowing what "gay" is......I ask this gently, do we think this lad could be pulling his mum's leg?

I’m shocked that he has no clue about sex or sexual attraction and doesn’t know what gay is. Does he know that some people get married because they love each other etc? Well just say it’s for people who love someone the same as them or both. If he was 4 I’d understand but this is unusual for 11.

why is everyone talking about the LBTQ club? Isn't G a part of it anymore or are all gay people
now referred to as queer? Genuine question.

At 11 I'd be amazed if he didn't know what sex or relationships are. Surely he's seen enough films or TV shows where there's a romance side plot, surely he knows people in your wider family and friendship circles who are married or have boyfriends and girlfriends?

Say it's for people who date / marry / make families with people of the same sex, like women who want to have relationships with women.

Disabled, no learning challenges are noted. Assuming they go hand in hand isn't appropriate.

I’d start by asking him:
LGBTQ:
Do you know L is for Lesbian. Do you know what that is? If not, it’s when 2 women want uk be married (you don’t need sex detail unless he asks, marriage implies relationship, etc)
The G, is for Gay, 2 men want to be married …
Etc

Let him guide you to level of detail.

You can gauge his level of knowledge … same as asking him any questions. My SEN child in similar age knew a friend had 2 dads, talking about Pride. he would say “nah - I like girls” and it was end of conversation. He did do the rainbow things at school, loved “supporting” his friend. Loved that she had 2 dads, told me he would have preferred 2 dads.

Then you get to the club, you are not sure exactly what the club is - but maybe children are interested in learning more….
At least he knows now.

He needs to know the truth at 11