Just turned around and walked out of friends house. May have over reacted!

[SafeMouse]

Me (5'0 female) has a good friend (6'2 male). Every few weeks I go to his house for a few drinks and a catch up. This has been going on since 2019. We bubbled together during lockdown as we are both in single households.

Every summer I walk down to his. Its across the otherside of town about a 25 min walk. Part of the way is through a bit of a badly lit seedy area. When it starts to get dark I get an uber. Have for 5 years.
EVERY single bloody year when I start getting ubers I get 'lazy' jokes and teasing. I have patiently explained why I'm not comfortable walking in the dark. I have explained it in the context of Sarah Everard. I have made light of it. I have got annoyed. I've snapped. I've even had the uber drop me off a street away so he doesn't see.

Got to his tonight and get the 'haha, I saw the uber, feeling lazy today are we'?
I put my coat back on and walked out.
I'm now sitting in the pub at the end of his road wondering whether
A) go back and explain again for the 50th time why I don't walk in dodgy areas in the dark
B) order an uber and go back home.

I'm a little bit thinking I've overreacted but it's been the same joke for 5 sodding years with obviously no attempt to understand.

He is out of order. Someone repeatedly told me I should cycle to work and I told him over and over again why there is no way I would do that. 1 - there was a surveillance team watching the cycle track because of all the sexual assaults. I snapped at him in the end and he no longer makes that stupid suggestion.

To say it once is naivety but to repeatedly say it when you have told him is out of order. I wouldn't contact him again if I was you. If he contacts you and apologises then fair enough but otherwise don't bother. You make all the effort anyway. Save the £5 from future Ubers and put it towards some nice wine for you to keep at home.

How much of a friend is he though to keep taking the piss when Op has asked him not to?

He is being a prick though to continually make comments on it. Isn't that why you wrote the post?

Nice 'friend' you have there.

Exactly! Same as my teen DSs and also my DD’s male friends at uni, her and her female friends would always get walked home by one or more of the boys.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a total idiot and nasty to boot, keeping on calling you lazy when he knows why you do it? Nah fuck that, and fuck him (or rather don’t 🤣😂).

@SafeMouse I'm now sitting in the pub at the end of his road wondering whether
A) go back and explain again for the 50th time why I don't walk in dodgy areas in the dark
B) order an uber and go back home.

B, because it may hit home, when A hasn't worked.

You haven't overreacted, you've just got to the end of the road trying to explain.

Even if you were feeling lazy so wanted to get an uber, so what? Does he really need to say something EVERY time? That would really annoy me

Quite aside from all the very valid reasons you’ve carefully explained to him multiple times, the absolute brass neck of him calling you lazy when you always go to him is genuinely funny.
Has he apologised yet OP?

He's been an idiot but isn't it more likely that he knows this pushes your buttons so sees it as teasing rather than not understanding? Like my son teases his sister about something he perfectly well understands. It gets her annoyed (as to why people like to do this I don't get myself, but it is a common dynamic). Maybe, if you go back to visiting (and really if he visited you wouldn't he bring done nice wine with him), and he says it again, you just laugh and lightheartedly say 'absolutely Jim! It's cold and dark! Now how about that red you've been going on about'?

Show him this thread ? If he thinks you/we are still lazy or bonkers he isn't clever enough to be your friend.

B. He's a knob. You've explained yourself, he hasn't listened and he doesn't care.

He doesn't deserve you as a friend.

Nah stay in pub have a couple of drinks and get an uber home. His attitude is really weird with everything that’s happened, beyond naive, let him stew, he’s acting like a knob x

He sounds like someone who doesn't think it's his job to try and understand what you are saying and would rather bumble along in his own world making the same jokes every time. I hope I'm wrong and he apologises, but if not, it's his loss.

I'd be interested to know why you have been putting up with his so-called jokes about your personal safety for five years!
He's not a nice person, he's not someone I would want to be friends with…..no matter how lonely I was.

He's one of those men who understands perfectly well, he just doesn't care. It's nothing to him that women have to think about the danger men present to us. It's nothing to him that we have to reorganise our lives just to arrive home safely. He's never going to live with that underlying fear. He's no friend. He's the lazy shit who doesn't ever visit you (and a 25 minute walk isn't short). He could drive. He could walk. He'd never be in danger of being raped or murdered. But no, he leaves it to you to face the risk (and Ubers are risky as well) and carry the expense. He's a complete prick and not worth your time.

Safety aside, if you wanted to get an uber in the middle of the day, through the lowest crime rate area, just because you didn't fancy the walk that day, that's your business. He can get to fuck with the lazy "jokes" it's just rude and not funny. He needs to stop belittling your choices.

The wilful misunderstanding of womens experience is a whole separate issue.

Absolutely YANBU.
Since Ms. Everard, I have anxiety of such sort
I never had.
Fortunately, a very understanding husband as well, who would drive me anywhere, anytime (if necessary etc.).
Your male friend is an ass.

I expect he's making a joke because he knows you are not lazy. Tedious of him, and annoying that he persistently ignores your explanation. And/or is he a bit of a wind-up merchant enjoying your outrage? If you like him in other ways, it's a shame to fall out over it.

not a good friend IMO

Stand your ground OP. He cares more about making a joke than about your obvious distress over the issue.

Ig ore him u til he apologises… sincerely.

Totally this. I hope he apologises.

Has he contacted you?!

'I'm not lazy I'd just rather not walk two miles in the dark and potentially get brutally axe murdered? Is that ok? If not why don't you buy a car, then come and pick me and up and drop me home again.'🤣

Yes you can. You can ask for equality of opportunity/pay etc while expecting men to fully understand that women are less safe walking home at night than they are.