Just turned around and walked out of friends house. May have over reacted!

[SafeMouse]

Me (5'0 female) has a good friend (6'2 male). Every few weeks I go to his house for a few drinks and a catch up. This has been going on since 2019. We bubbled together during lockdown as we are both in single households.

Every summer I walk down to his. Its across the otherside of town about a 25 min walk. Part of the way is through a bit of a badly lit seedy area. When it starts to get dark I get an uber. Have for 5 years.
EVERY single bloody year when I start getting ubers I get 'lazy' jokes and teasing. I have patiently explained why I'm not comfortable walking in the dark. I have explained it in the context of Sarah Everard. I have made light of it. I have got annoyed. I've snapped. I've even had the uber drop me off a street away so he doesn't see.

Got to his tonight and get the 'haha, I saw the uber, feeling lazy today are we'?
I put my coat back on and walked out.
I'm now sitting in the pub at the end of his road wondering whether
A) go back and explain again for the 50th time why I don't walk in dodgy areas in the dark
B) order an uber and go back home.

I'm a little bit thinking I've overreacted but it's been the same joke for 5 sodding years with obviously no attempt to understand.

You have not overreacted at all!

I remember my husband teasing me about parking at the train station..I pay to park as its closer, he parks further away where it's free. I pointed out to get to the free parking I would have to walk alone, under an underpass and down pathways hidden from view and badly lit. He honestly hadn't considered that as he never felt unsafe.

Now he is super protective and won't let me walk anywhere alone if we can help it. He's learnt the issue nice and quickly, and remedied it, why you're "friend" is so blind to what you are saying I just don't know.

You haven't overreacted IMO

Why are you lazy for not wanting to be raped, murdered and set on fire...but he's not lazy for not travelling to you, not seeing you home, or not facilitating you into an Uber.

Sick to the fucking back teeth of men, I swear they're getting worse.

But good for you OP, this is yet another example of men being inferior human beings. Many such cases.

So tell him straight. His unwillingness to understand why you (and women in general) don't wish to walk alone at night is because women can be very vulnerable...not every man has good intent.
Tell him it upsets you ask him why he can't seem to understand that simple fact.

It's not a joke, he needs to get that through his skull. 🙄

Get smashed, then tell him to drive you home

No you haven’t overreacted.
In fact, regardless of the subject, the very fact that he won’t let drop something you’ve repeatedly explained to him would be reason enough to walk out.
If you choose to remain friends (and I think it would be perfectly understandable to cool off the friendship at least for a while), I would send him a long message including as pp said above how you are sick of him minimising your understandable fears, sick of having to repeatedly explain it, and how you don’t wish for him to ever mention your chosen mode of transport again.

He's an arsehole. Go home and don't go back. He doesn't care how you feel, he knows because you've told him. He thinks it's ok to trample your boundaries. He's not a friend, just a user who likes to get one over on you, insulting you and your response is a game to him.

I'm sure he can manage to carry his nice wine to your place.

You walk to him in the Summer, he walks to you in the Winter. That's if you want to continue. What sort of man lets a woman always make the journey and then has no concept of why she might be wary of walking in the dark?

He sounds annoying and you sound very patient. If he doesn’t get it by now, he doesn’t want to.

TielEater · Today 19:31

Why are you lazy for not wanting to be raped, murdered and set on fire...but he's not lazy for not travelling to you, not seeing you home, or not facilitating you into an Uber.
Sick to the fucking back teeth of men, I swear they're getting worse.

This
hes not really your friend
don’t contact him - ever - unless he calls you about this and apologises and you need him to come to you especially when it’s dark

Do you have a romantic relationship outwith this friendship? If you do it might be better for you both if you concentrated on this rather than someone who is berarating you every time you meet.

Nope not an over-reaction

Entitled prize idiot.
Honestly, most men like to make a woman laugh so the fact that this has never made you laugh should have alerted him to the fact that the joke is not remotely funny. Because it’s no joke.
I think he knows he’s needling you and enjoys it.
He might seem like a friend but he’s not even checked you are ok?

B

He is not your friend.
I would wait until he messages you and give him a piece of my mind.

Why would you keep putting up with this idiot after explaining multiple times.

I suppose it's your fault for keep going back.

I would give up on him. He's not a friend. And his 'jokes' are not even funny.
Go home safely. If he (even bothers to) contacts you, set out your terms and stick to them. Don't waste another second traveling to his place. If he wants to see you, he'll make the effort and bring the nice wine. In the meantime, you can save your Uber fares for your own nice wine.

Something to think about... I know this is a curve ball but none of us are thinking with our heads. Look at the actual numbers.

Women should not be scared to walk in the dark. Some stats (look BBC "How many violent attacks and sexual assaults on women are there?"):

-Most rape cases are perpetrated by a known assailant
-Men are 3 x more likely to be murdered than women in the UK.
-Only 5% of murders of women were by strangers vs 17% of murders of men.
-32% of murders of women were by their partner or ex partner.

Point is, statistically your male friend should be more scared of walking home in the dark than you are. Statistically you should also be much more scared of those men known to you (family or partner according to statistics).

Ask yourself why we feel like this?

We should not be oppressed or scared by the media into staying home just because it's dark. We feel vulnerable but it's due to the way the media and society focuses in on the murders of women by strangers. These cases are in fact very rare but the media is obsessed with them.

In my opinion it's a spin off of the little red riding hood stories trying to scare women into feeling scared and vulnerable when the danger is actually much closer to home.

Personally I live on my own in a city. If I didn't go out after dark I'd never go out in the winter.

But yes I still agree get an uber anyway if you want to and your 6ft2 male friend doesn't understand that you feel vulnerable unreasonably. However interestingly statistically he should feel more vulnerable...

You definitely haven't over reacted!

DH and I were talking about personal safety with our DSs (14 and 11). DH said something about how 'we' were really lucky as we've never had to change our behaviour to stay safe. I was genuinely gobsmacked! I pointed out all the ways I have adapted my behaviour over the years to protect myself from potential male violence. He was very sheepish and apologised!

No you haven't overreacted. He isn't listening to you at all. Just because he's not frightened of something happening to him, it doesn't mean you shouldn't be worried.

Don't go to his again and don't have him come to you without a sincere apology.

I’m surprised it took you this long.

You didn't overreact, he was a dick.

I usually walk or cycle to nearby places by default, but there are occasions when I'll drive for personal safety reasons (dark, dodgy areas etc.). My DH has never once made a thing of it, because he totally understands why I'd feel that way.

The other question is why it's always your responsibility to travel? I get that it's become a habit, but it's rich of him to call you lazy when it's always you having to either walk or pay an uber while he sits waiting at home!

What has been his reaction to you walking out ?