Just turned around and walked out of friends house. May have over reacted!

[SafeMouse]

Me (5'0 female) has a good friend (6'2 male). Every few weeks I go to his house for a few drinks and a catch up. This has been going on since 2019. We bubbled together during lockdown as we are both in single households.

Every summer I walk down to his. Its across the otherside of town about a 25 min walk. Part of the way is through a bit of a badly lit seedy area. When it starts to get dark I get an uber. Have for 5 years.
EVERY single bloody year when I start getting ubers I get 'lazy' jokes and teasing. I have patiently explained why I'm not comfortable walking in the dark. I have explained it in the context of Sarah Everard. I have made light of it. I have got annoyed. I've snapped. I've even had the uber drop me off a street away so he doesn't see.

Got to his tonight and get the 'haha, I saw the uber, feeling lazy today are we'?
I put my coat back on and walked out.
I'm now sitting in the pub at the end of his road wondering whether
A) go back and explain again for the 50th time why I don't walk in dodgy areas in the dark
B) order an uber and go back home.

I'm a little bit thinking I've overreacted but it's been the same joke for 5 sodding years with obviously no attempt to understand.

if anything you’ve under reacted. Friends don’t trivialise friends safety, but entitled dick men do. I’d say that to him and say which are you? Every single time you make those comments I think you don’t give a shit if something happens to me and that’s several hundred times over the past few years now, so that dialogue is winning. You never consider my safety, you never offer to walk me, these are real fears women have. Time for you to decide if you’re a friend or just another one of those men who dismiss women’s experiences of being unsafe because it will never happen to them.

he sounds like a complete ejit. you don't have to see him ever ever again which is nice.

Sometimes I wish my son would think about it (for himself) just a bit more. But that's a different discussion.

Well he’s a prize isn’t he?

Any true friend would worry about you walking and meet you or come to your place.
You haven’t overreacted at all OP. I would want my adult DDs to care of themselves too.
I would question whether I wanted such an uncaring person in my life - you deserve better. Let him drink his posh wine on his own.

I vote c) wait half an hour for him to call/text you to apologise. If he does, he can come meet you to talk it over. If he doesn’t, get an uber home.
Ball is entirely in his court now.

Has he not texted you since you left?

Just thought I'd pop up to say I appreciate the replies to my pp - and the truth is I get scared too and also chose better lit places to walk etc. But I dislike people telling me not to go out in the dark due to Sarah Everard etc because occurances like that are really very rare and unlikely and we should be reassured by that. Yes it's true we get harassed more but if we hide at home we're letting them win.

Personally I don't really have the choice to stay home and not go out after dark. I do get OP's choice to get the taxi back though and I think it's unreasonable her male friend doesn't understand how she feels.

We live in a nice town but at weekend nights near the town centre/clubs it gets a bit less safe feeling.

DD was around 14/15 and babysitting. her walk home would lead her along the edges of unpleasant and DH usually walked and met her and walked her home.

We were out one evening and DS18 was home and we asked him to do it.
He def thought we were being over protective (he's a big 6'2 lad)

But as they walked home a white van kept driving by very slowly and yelling.
It gave him a bit of a wake up call as to what it is like to walk those same streets where he felt invincible with his sister who, wether we like it or not, had a different risk factor.

Actually, thinking about it, the trivialising does happen between men as well. Men (not all men) will quite cheerfully mock another man for taking a safety measure that they don't because if they aren't doing something they assume therefore that it isn't necessary. Teenage boys are probably the worst for this. That is probably quite annoying at times. It is much more annoying when its a much older man (old enough to know better) mocking a woman with a completely different physique and life experience to him though. Its the assumption that he knows everything when he quite clearly doesn't and if he took a second to think should realise that. Would piss me off.

If he’s so energetic and you’re so lazy, why doesn’t he come to yours?

his male privilege is showing.

He needs to speak to any female relative, friend or colleague and ask them if they have a story to tell about male behaviour that has caused them to feel at the very least anxious and at the most terrified. I can guarantee that every single one of them will have a story to tell. I was seriously sexually assaulted by a stranger when I was walking home from work. I now never ever go out after dark on my own, I dread this time of year as my fear of the dark really impacts on my freedom. He should be bloody paying for your Uber not mocking you for using one

Why can he not walk you back?

He is a twat.
You have not over reacted.
Let him travel to you, or don't bother with him further.

No, you haven't overreacted.

If he's otherwise a good friend I wouldn't immediately blow this up into a friendship ending thing, but I also wouldn't sweep it under the rug.

Get an uber home. If he texts, be direct but calm. Don't refer to these comments as jokes. Label them what they are: insults. "I'm not looking for friends who insult me after being asked repeatedly to stop." If he apologizes then I'd give him one more chance.

Yes! Its hard to strike the right balance between not terrifying other women/victim blaming women when something bad does happen. And acknowledging that sometimes bad things DO happen and that actually very often worrying things happen (the same car driving past you slowly and then turning round and doing the same thing repeatedly). If we all agree to go out in the dark its actually safer - but there will still be places that feel less safe even then.

Has he messaged you?

Honestly we all have a breaking point. I rarely
explode on anyone (probably once every decade if that!) but I do have a limit and I can always feel when someone is just pushing it for no reason even though they know it is upsetting me.

If he doesn’t reach out I would actually just leave it until he does. If he doesn’t apologise then I would probably explain one last time why you are getting an Uber and would he prefer that you were assaulted rather than shell out (your own money!!) for a taxi?!

Agree with mathanxiety

"You haven't overreacted.
Take an Uber home.
Don't go again until / unless he apologises for his willful and insulting stupidity."

Male privilege

This is a longstanding friend OP's talking about, yes he's being an arse and it sounds like it's gone on way too long, but the way to sort out a disagreement is to talk. Would you genuinely block a longstanding close friend because they were being annoying rather than try to sort it out? Although judging by how much MNers seem to love blocking, I sometimes wonder how much people value their friends any more.

OP if you still value the friendship aside from these unfunny 'jokes', I personally wouldn't block at this stage but I would say I'd only keep spending time with him if he knocks the Uber 'jokes' on the head. Haven't RTFT but I also agree with pps who say he should be doing his fair share of coming over to see you.

What!!! He's the lazy fuck! Talk about male privilege too. Well done you. He's a total twat too. I hope he has redeeming qualities that make your friendship worthwhile...

Excellent post from @biscuitandcake
I'm frankly sick of the "statistics argument" around women's safety being rolled out.
We know the figures, but we also know that women often do more to avoid assault than men do, and that when we are harassed or assaulted, the attacker will almost always be a man with a sexual motive.

Reminds me of this:

Has he even messaged to check you're OK?

He's full of puffed up male entitlement and I'd not be seeing him again tbh

Male privilege.

He will never fully understand the lengths women have to go to in order to feel safe, but if he doesn’t at least try then he’s part of the problem.

Well, I did say it’s probably an overreaction 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣