@Sheri99
I've read your posts and in some respects I hear what you are saying.
In truth abusive relationships almost never start with an immediate smack of head against the wall, it's a slow insidious everyday actions that you don't notice. It creeps into your head, you start to doubt yourself you become less than you were. Eventally you get to the physical pain but by then you are isolated, ignored, and doubt yourself.
It takes just 21 hours for a trained person to break your will. No one can withstand it, it is how cults work so quickly on their followers, but it also happens in home, workplaces, and groups on a daily basis.
I have spent most of my life with mainly men, I enjoy their company, but I also know I have to have very strong and clear boundaries with them too. I never have workplace relationships, ever, I never flirt, I never take part in sexual banter, I try to stop those who overstep the mark or can't take no for an answer at the earliest opportunity. But this is hardwon knowledge of the little tests you get put through, the light touch on the shoulder when they want to speak to you, the hand on your waist that is swiftly removed, the longer chats when you are on your own, the standing close as though you have your own little in-jokes, the compliments that increase from work to personal life to looks to sex, the asking about your personal life that is more than just usual office chat, the being everywhere where you are and often in your eye line. All very nebulous at first and could be nothing, could be something you have to keep in mind all the time.
Yet 7 different men have seriously physically assaulted me. Some of these men I knew for over 5 years and never once let on they harboured certain ideas about me or our "relationship" or just sexual interest. I never once gave them cause to think they had anything of the sort.
Over the years there have been many more who have pushed their luck, groped every bit a man is usually interested in, tried to trap me in situations I did not want and fought hard to get away from.
I'm no weakling, I'm physically strong and have proved able to think through emergency situations I defend myself with vigour but I'm no match, all I can hope for is to do enough damage to make him think twice. When even professional soldiers can freeze in a situation they have encountered not once but a number of times, what chance to non trained people have in a situation they are unfamiliar with. Then all the people men and women who excuse the male behaviour as a joke, something that needn't be complained about, I've even encountered the Oh just let him do it, it'll cheer the grumpy bugger up.
The sad truth is most assaults women suffer are from men they know well.
It is all very well blaming people for not making the right choice, for not reading all the signs, but no one is perfect and no one can be perfect all of the time. Senarios where a man raises a hand or tries to grope a woman who then fiercely pushes him away have no context. Many incidents where violence and sexual assault takes place have so many features and complexities you can't say "why didn''t they just do XX" it's not a formulaic thing. Real life it doesn't work like that for most, if it worked for you then great, but your relationship with your DH is not the same as Sally whose so tired from full time work, checking in on grandparents, and 3 kids running around with no help and a husband who has spent years telling her how much he loves her but she is never allowed to visit friends or family without him in tow pulling a face, everything she does and says is wrong or she is not as intelligent as him, and how he could get another woman to look after him easily and she would be homeless because she'd get nothing from him, he'd take the kids and she'd never see them again etc. Then she spills his mug of tea and all hell breaks loose and she is covered in bruises everywhere that is normally covered and so confused about what is happening she stays because it's the only thing she thinks she can do. He holds all the cards not because she is weak or stupid but because she is worn out, worn down, and is not an expert psychologist. Sadly Sally is not a rare case, in fact she is the lived experience of many women world over.
Its worth remembering that when someone assaults you it is their choice and their choice alone. No one can force a reluctant person to assault you, would be abusers also have the choice to walk away, reflect on the situation and discuss it when things have calmed down.
It is never the victims fault it is only ever the abuser. Too few people realise that, this attitude needs to change.
And like I say I do like men, but I also have been in too many situations where I understand the level of cruelty they can inflict too and the cover they get from others to behave like a prick.
While I understand some of your points I cannot stand by and not say anything to people who misunderstand how abuse happens and how they are so strong and brave they can handle it. And in truth I really hope you never ever get to find out because as mentally and physically strong as I am, I too have been abused by men I would have sworn up and down in my younger less experienced were decent kind family men ... until they did it to me.