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Just turned around and walked out of friends house. May have over reacted!

360 replies

SafeMouse · 12/11/2024 19:13

Me (5'0 female) has a good friend (6'2 male). Every few weeks I go to his house for a few drinks and a catch up. This has been going on since 2019. We bubbled together during lockdown as we are both in single households.

Every summer I walk down to his. Its across the otherside of town about a 25 min walk. Part of the way is through a bit of a badly lit seedy area. When it starts to get dark I get an uber. Have for 5 years.
EVERY single bloody year when I start getting ubers I get 'lazy' jokes and teasing. I have patiently explained why I'm not comfortable walking in the dark. I have explained it in the context of Sarah Everard. I have made light of it. I have got annoyed. I've snapped. I've even had the uber drop me off a street away so he doesn't see.

Got to his tonight and get the 'haha, I saw the uber, feeling lazy today are we'?
I put my coat back on and walked out.
I'm now sitting in the pub at the end of his road wondering whether
A) go back and explain again for the 50th time why I don't walk in dodgy areas in the dark
B) order an uber and go back home.

I'm a little bit thinking I've overreacted but it's been the same joke for 5 sodding years with obviously no attempt to understand.

OP posts:
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6
Flavourful · 13/11/2024 19:38

Hang on! Who is doing all the effort here? He stays in his nice cosy flat while you have to get ready, lock up and go around to his place every single time. Who’s the lazy one? It’s not you love, go home.

ItsAllAboutTheBass7 · 13/11/2024 19:42

You haven't over reacted. If he doesn't understand or care enough as to why you Uber to be safe, he's not a great friend. You shouldn't have to keep repeating yourself over and over again. If he's just joking around, you need to tell him nobody is laughing and it's getting very old and boring to hear. Tell him to visit you instead!

Bridget05 · 13/11/2024 19:43

Men don't understand what it's like to spend your life looking over your shoulder, wondering if that new blind date will be kind, or will harm you. I would just tell him in future that he either values your safety or visits you. Don't lose a friend over his ignorance....men hey !!!

WhitePoinsettia · 13/11/2024 19:45

Yep, they don’t get it.

I run, and I’m keeping to main streets in my town in the light. My DH doesn’t understand why I don’t want to run along the bridle paths in the countryside surrounding our town.

I did it a couple of times. The first I didn’t see one person for a whole hour, the second I met a 6ft fat bloke twice my size halfway who verbally abused me.

I’ve not done it since.

stargazerlil · 13/11/2024 19:54

If he keeps saying the same thing that keeps triggering you, it’s called baiting, he’s doing it to get you reacting.
hes not a twat, he’s not a friend. He’s more than that he is a cunt.

QueenBitch666 · 13/11/2024 19:57

Entitled ignorant twat. Some men are fucking clueless 😡

TheOnionEyes · 13/11/2024 20:17

I just thinks he loves winding you up. However, getting the uber to drop you a street away can still be dangerous too.

Maybe reacting might make him stop. I'm sure he must realise now how much he is upsetting you with this "lazy" talk. If he carries on after this, then maybe re-assess things.

Bananagirl23 · 13/11/2024 20:37

Flavourful · 13/11/2024 19:38

Hang on! Who is doing all the effort here? He stays in his nice cosy flat while you have to get ready, lock up and go around to his place every single time. Who’s the lazy one? It’s not you love, go home.

That’s what I came on here to say! You should throw it back at him by pointing out you’re the one making the effort to go and see him! Plus I hate the ignorance some men have of women’s safety alone, especially after dark 😡

Whatwouldnanado · 13/11/2024 20:39

Bravo. He’s a prat. Has he messaged to apologise?

Clueless2024 · 13/11/2024 20:42

God he sounds like a knob.

ilovesushi · 13/11/2024 20:42

I'm annoyed on your behalf that he's made you feel so uncomfortable that you are getting out of the taxi before you even get to his which goes against the whole reason you were getting a cab in the first place.

SimpleThings101 · 13/11/2024 20:45

Tbh I would have been bored witless by this nonsense a long time ago. The wine must be exceptionally good.

snotathing · 13/11/2024 20:55

He sounds like a nasty sort with no manners. It's bad enough that he lets you make your own way home in the dark, but he sneers at you for taking safety precautions? I'd drop him.

Clarabell77 · 13/11/2024 20:57

He sounds like a dick. Find a new friend.

Fiery30 · 13/11/2024 21:00

I wouldn't class such an irritating character as my friend. To make the same comment for 5 years is just ridiculous. He clearly lacks sensitivity on why you don't want to walk in the dark. And most importantly, why does he care if you take an uber or a private plane? What's it to do with him? You haven't over reacted.

AnnieSnap · 13/11/2024 21:01

I don’t think you have over-reacted. I think he should be apologising to you!

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 13/11/2024 21:04

I hate it when men go over and over and over 'a joke' like this.

Fella, it wasn't funny the first time you said it, so it certainly isn't funny 5 years down the line.

It's like they physically can't stop themselves saying something.

ffsfindmeausername · 13/11/2024 21:04

No you definitely haven't overreacted he's a dick. I had a male friend a few years ago that didn't understand why i would not walk my dog in our local unlit park on my own at night. He just didn't get it when i said i felt unsafe and vulnerable as a lone woman, he said i was being ridiculous! Men really do not understand how lucky they are to never have the fear of being sexually assaulted. Definitely male privilege.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 13/11/2024 21:05

SoloSofa24 · 12/11/2024 19:26

B.

He sounds like an idiot, but he probably thinks he is funny. Did he miss the recent coverage of Saoirse Ronan reminding male actors how women have to be aware of the threat of male violence all the time?

If the murder of Sarah Everard didn't make him stop and think, then nothing will.

GuineaPigsAreFuzzyOverLords · 13/11/2024 21:35

He is being a knobhead. With knobs on!

FebruaryLove · 13/11/2024 21:37

Why don’t you show him this (went viral as soon as it happened)?

Catiette · 13/11/2024 21:47

I wish there was a way we could make them see it.

The odd comment that men are proportionately more likely to be attacked misses the point, too. As PP noted, the numbers aren't that straightforward. Women experience deliberately intimidating behaviour which could be a prelude to violence all the time - daily or weekly, for many of us - and reporting rates of all degrees of attack are appallingly low. Caroline Criado Perez dissects the stats behind the "men are more at risk" gambit in "Invisible Women". It's not easy to read.

And anyway, the real issue isn't the numbers. It's what our chances are if we are attacked. It's the strength differential (I mean, Duh!) And yet we don't tend to hear much about it. Misplaced perceptions that being a feminist means denying this? All those modern kick-ass heroines? Perhaps just the sheer discomfort of facing such an uncomfortable truth...

A thriller I read recently put it really well. Paraphrased...

It's hard to grasp the devastating simplicity of someone with more physical strength than you. It reduces you to nothing.

If a man wants to kill you, he will.

The fact is, we live with this knowledge every day. Every encounter with a strange male in an enclosed or isolated space is an act of trust. Because if he wants to, he can.

And the other key difference, of course, is what he may "want" to do. A burst of competitive anger on a Saturday night is a universe away from the savage gratification that lies behind so much male-on-female violence, with the potential for rape, abduction and worse.

Living with all this is a uniquely female experience.

And NO, this ISN'T to say we're victims, or living in fear, or pathetically limiting our own lives despite our admittedly excellent odds of not becoming tomorrow's next horror story. FWIW, I'm more independent than many, do a lot alone including travelling abroad, and thoroughly enjoy it.

But am I aware of these awful realities? Yes, of course I am. All women are, on some level. And it's fucking exhausting and so, so wrong.

So when men don't listen to us on this, and laugh it off or "rationalise" it, do they really think that their dismissal somehow reassures us? Cos common sense would say it's far more likely just to compound how utterly powerless we can sometimes feel.

#pissedoffonyourbehalfOP! (And trying to think which words may get it through to his - quite literally, lucky bugger - thicker-than-our skull).

diddl · 13/11/2024 21:52

My daughter went out yesterday.

Walking to her car, about 1am, chap gets off bus & crosses to her side of the road.

She felt uneasy.

He called out to her.

She carried on to her car, got in & locked it.

Next thing he is knocking on the window gesturing for her to wind it down!

I mean wtaf??

She obviously just drove off!

Catsmere · 13/11/2024 21:57

@Catiette thank you, that's the most eloquent post yet. I'm past believing that any man with even half a functioning brain "doesn't get it" - how many of them have never experienced how incredibly easy it is for them to overpower or outrun women? They know they're a threat to us. As PP mentioned, they show that knowledge when it's their wives or, more likely, daughters who may be the ones at risk. But other women? The service humans? They know and they don't care. They have, as a class, physical power over us and all the benefits they get from that.

Catiette · 13/11/2024 22:02

Yep. One of the reasons I'm typing this:

Walking towards the lift today, about 4 hours ago. Tall guy gets out and walks towards me - clearly, he's just come up in it. He sees me speed up to catch his open lift door, so takes a few steps backwards and catches it to stop it closing, stepping back, gracefully, to let me in. What a nice guy to go out of his way to do that, I think... As he then gets right back in the lift with me. The lift I'd just seem him exit, and calmly and decisively walk away from.

Two other men who didn't seem to be anything to do with him got in too about a millisecond later, so I hardly had time to feel unsettled, let alone scared. I was surprised, actually - I've had that jolt of terror in a lift before (that one was nasty), but this time, not a jot. I guess there's just so much each day that it's easiest to interpret as innocent, or dismiss, or let go, as a woman. And it very often is entirely innocent, of course. BUT I did think about it afterwards. You do, don't you? Or women do, anyway. Cos it was a bit weird, and if he'd done it to attack me, then without those other two men entering, there'd have been absolutely nothing I could do about it.

It sometimes really rather frustrates me. I genuinely found it so hard when realised I couldn't beat the boys at arm-wrestling any more at 11 or so 😂. How can they underestimate how much it means to us not to have have the physical strength that they value so much?!

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