Just turned around and walked out of friends house. May have over reacted!

[SafeMouse]

Me (5'0 female) has a good friend (6'2 male). Every few weeks I go to his house for a few drinks and a catch up. This has been going on since 2019. We bubbled together during lockdown as we are both in single households.

Every summer I walk down to his. Its across the otherside of town about a 25 min walk. Part of the way is through a bit of a badly lit seedy area. When it starts to get dark I get an uber. Have for 5 years.
EVERY single bloody year when I start getting ubers I get 'lazy' jokes and teasing. I have patiently explained why I'm not comfortable walking in the dark. I have explained it in the context of Sarah Everard. I have made light of it. I have got annoyed. I've snapped. I've even had the uber drop me off a street away so he doesn't see.

Got to his tonight and get the 'haha, I saw the uber, feeling lazy today are we'?
I put my coat back on and walked out.
I'm now sitting in the pub at the end of his road wondering whether
A) go back and explain again for the 50th time why I don't walk in dodgy areas in the dark
B) order an uber and go back home.

I'm a little bit thinking I've overreacted but it's been the same joke for 5 sodding years with obviously no attempt to understand.

Ah…to have the privilege of blissfully wafting through life in a large man’s body…never checking over your shoulder at night or aligning your keys between your knuckles just in case…

Some men have a stock 'joke' they think is funny (only to them) that they repeat ad infinitum. I know someone exactly the same, and he persisted despite my trying different approaches to get him to stop, as you have. It's boring, unimaginative and shows a lack of self-confidence on their part, that they pick holes in others. Does he actually give anything positive to your relationship?

Slightly off the main topic, but daughters and friends all tell the Uber driver that they have a safety protocol and is it ok if they take photo of number plate and driver as they’re texting it to friends. No one has ever objected.

Bloody HATE blokes like this. My exFIL used to do this and scoff at what he saw as my excuses. You are not being unreasonable at all

Sounds like he's an over-entitled male. They never understand the sense of danger that women feel in these situations.

Completely with you on this op. I was attacked walking home one eve it was 7pm and I had done the walk hundreds of times before, it was attempted rape. Luckily I knew how to handle myself and managed to get away but he was never caught. After that I have never walked alone in the dark and I would get taxis home wherever I was even if I was just round the corner. Always stay safe do not let anyone take the piss because of it.

Buy him an ear horn and say loudly into it: “look f*wit, for the thousandth time…”.

Hope you said 'Fuck off' on the way ouyt

Get an Uber home. Let yr friend stew for a few days. He's obviously bizarrely not taken on board that his 'joking' is not funny and he's also ignoring your explanation for getting an Uber each visit. Once u have left it a few days, meet for coffee and politely and calmly explain that the lazyness jibes are very irritating and cd he please stop them. A
lso I wd suggest that he comes over to yours periodically as it is all 1 way with u making the effort to go across town to see him all the time. Good luck 😊

Would he like for you to 'stay the night'....? But not on the sofa perhaps. Have you asked him why he belittles your safeguarding strategy?

What a total arse he is!!!
Get an über - go home - and do not go back!

Now I know I’m old-fashioned but this has left me full of nostalgia for the days when even boys walked girls home. Get an uber and go home. Leave the ball in his court.

What kind of creature bore him?
Was it some kind of bat?
They can't find a good word for him,
but I can - twat.

(Dr J.C. Clarke)

There's a joke, there's fond teasing, and then there's straight up bullying. YANBU and I hope he learns from this and apologises sincerely, @SafeMouse

Men just don't get it, do they?

You’re being entirely sensible. He’s being an a-hole.

What kind of man calls a woman ‘lazy’ for taking personal safety precautions? It’s not a very hilarious ‘joke’.

So he is wealthier than you and instead of offering to pay for your Uber he makes fun of you for taking one? Go home (well, by now you hopefully have). It could be that he doesn't understand the danger so I would give him the benefit of a doubt but let him hang (no pun intended) until he apologises

He is not your friend. I had a taxi driver nastily say that to me once on a short journey as I wanted to avoid walking past woodland in the dark. I told him I wasn't lazy and had once been chased by a man who jumped out at me from those woods. I was unharmed. I told him to ask the female members of his family what their opinions of my situation and short taxi ride were. He apologised but to late, I cried and complained. I'm glad you walked out and I hope you never speak to him again. Block and move on. Good for you not walking in areas you are not comfortable in.

I hope he's reflected and contacted you to apologise by now.

Apart from anything else, he needs to know that making the same unfunny 'joke' time after time is really, really, really, really fucking tiresome.

Good for you OP. If you think this is a blind spot and he's otherwise okay then honestly you are doing him a favour as well as keeping faith with yourself and holding your boundaries.

He needs to start coming to you

I would have said something like, well you’re the lazy one sitting here while I come over to yours every time! Or I’ve only got little legs, you only have to walk half the distance- hey how come you’ve never offered to walk me home in the dark you lazy git!

Entitled male with no concept of what women live through and do to stay and feel safe. I notice its you making the effort to walk over to his. Its you paying for an uber to get to his place. Its you putting in the time and effort and expense and also putting yourself at risk if you walk. It is him with his pointed jokes about laziness directed at you, when you have gone to the effort of visiting him. Lets talk about lazy and self-centredness. Why is he not concerned for your safety, time, effort and resources? Why is he not meeting you half way to walk you over or home if he is concerned about the uber? Why is he not covering some of the costs? Why is he not coming to you sometimes? I would have an honest conversation with him off the back of this and ask him some of these questions and let him know his lazy comments are unwelcome, unkind and show zero empathy for the lived experience of keeping safe as a women.

My friend has a similar sorry. Was training for a marathon in winter. Told a male colleague that she wasn’t comfortable training in the dark. He asked “why, are you worried you will trip over because you can’t see where you are going?”. Totally clueless.