Daugher not happy with gift we gave her

[jouxlake]

We bought our daughter an expensive jewellery gift for her birthday, she chose it, it was plus GBP1,000. She chose it, she apparently loved it, tonight she messaged me and said 'I don't like it, can we return it'. which I know is not an option. Turns out her boyfriend said he didn't like it, prefers the next up design which is double the price. I am livid at how impressionable she is, livid at him for undermining a gift from her parents. But overall, I am fucking so upset and really gutted that she had no appreciation for what gifted her.

My dd is the same age, she got £50 and lunch at a restaurant of her choice for her birthday, I didn’t realise 20 was a miles or one birthday, I thought 21 was?

I would give her the option of keeping it or selling it and she can use the money to buy something else, but tell her you won’t be replacing it for the more expensive design.

Oh god OP I just feel awful for all of you. You obviously must be so upset.

And I suspect by now she realises how awful she's been and feels absolutely rotten. I'm sure many of us can remember being awful in a fit of bravado at that age, and the pain of coming back to earth with a crash.

Hopefully she'll apologise and you can have a heart to heart. Centered around using her own mind and not parroting a boyfriend.

I would not t be paying for some designer name on a piece of jewellery, or clothes for that matter.

Tell the designer connoisseur that he can pay himself towards something she would like.

Alternatively tell your daughter she doesn’t need a prick by her side.

It’s not a huge amount to everyone, just because it was a huge amount to your family.

If my daughter said this to me I would tell her it was the last present she was getting from me for being such an ungrateful twat but then again my daughter would have told her boyfriend to fuck off and gone out of her way to wear it all the time because if she likes something she likes it even if nobody else does. Your daughters boyfriend sounds like a dick

Also I don't know why OP is getting so much flack.

She's been clear that 20 is the milestone birthday for her and her family (as ever some can't see outside their own experiences), and that this isn't a typical present at all. And that the daughter never usually acts like this - which is why it's hit OP so hard.

Just say ah, what a shame. I asked them but they said no. I am not sure that the one you chose wasn't much nicer anyway. The other one is a bit over the top / brassy / old fashioned / won't go with as many things / old lady. (I am sure you can find a subtle dig). The original one was so delicate / classic / stylish / chic / timeless etc

YOu could put a " I am surprised your boyfriend so invested in your jewellery anyway. None of my boyfriends ever showed any interested" out there too

Honestly @jouxlake, I was never spoiled as a child but I didn't really understand the true value of money until I was in my late 20s. I could quite easily have been such an immature reaction too to such a nice gesture, and been sat here cringing about it at the age of 40!

I can guarantee in 5 years or so she will be more mature and look back regret her reaction now, and really cherish such a lovely gift

Do not do this OP. Your dd wanted this piece of jewellery because she loved it and told you. Don’t make up shit, just be honest.

And do not have opinions on her boyfriend. Also why on earth would she care about what your precious boyfriends 100 years ago had opinions about.

@daisychain01 £1000 isn’t trivial to most people

thank you, this means a lot to me ,I do think (hope) she is regretting it, I am so hurt though, I think (hope) he will regret him diminishing our gift to her, I wonder if she told him she told us.

People going on about the amount or the fact that she’s not 21, yawn! 🥱

@jouxlake I would worry that he’s being controlling over what she wears. I know you said it’s not a new relationship but could she be acting out of character because she doesn’t want to upset him? Any other changes?

I have a different idea because I think if you say you didn’t bring her up to be greedy, etc.. she will feel shame - and then is likely to shit down/ become defensive.
I would say that I’m upset about what happened and also ask to understand what it’s about? How come her change of opinion about the necklace? What did her boyfriend say that influenced her? How does she feel about it now? If he hadn’t said anything, does she think she’d still like it? I’m wondering if it’s anything to do with classic young adult insecurity? The only way you’ll get to understanding (and she’ll get to understanding herself a bit) is by being curious with her. Yes telling her it affected you and also not having her shut down because she feels so ashamed.
I know others will disagree with me but it’s another way of approaching it!

Definitely this!

I dont know, my sis thinks the relaionship may be coming to an end, he is trying to diminish her and she is desperately trying to cling on.

She may be right, they are only 20 and have been together for 4 years.

She's not ungrateful. She has already expressed how much she loves it and chose it herself.
She's just being influenced by a shitty comment from her bf and her lack of maturity and self-confidence is evident. Take the gift back from her, hold on to it, explain it can't be returned and that you'll keep it in case she changes her mind. Maybe start wearing it yourself. But, don't mention it again. Other gifts should be thoughtful but inexpensive. Don't rub her face in it, though. I'll bet the bf will be gone in less than a year and she'll ask to "borrow" the necklace. 🧐

Suggest she sells it and uses it to fund some sort of basic sanitation project elsewhere.

@clearquote

op is allowed to be irritated!

this is my sisters take on this specific incident about the necklace, we know him for 4 years and, while it is a teenage relationship, we have found it to be a normal teenage relationship with no red flags, hence why my sis has suggested this maybe the 'course' of it filtering out. He is 21 and she is 20, the first and only relationship for both of them.

I think the BF been thrown in the bus here

even if he said that which is fair enough it’s his opinion

your DD didn’t think twice about this with no thought for your feelings or anything
She placed no value on the fact it was from you or the value of it I think ungrateful covers it

That's very good advice actually 👏. I think our natural inclination is to sort everything out to its conclusion as quick as possible but, actions have consequences and we have all had to learn that at some point.

@rwalker I agree, which is why I am so upset about her reaction to his comments about it.

20 yr old daughters say lots of things they don’t mean. My daughter hates most of the gifts I buy her until suddenly she loves them, wears them all the time. Don’t say anything. If she sells it, more fool her.

😊