Daugher not happy with gift we gave her

[jouxlake]

We bought our daughter an expensive jewellery gift for her birthday, she chose it, it was plus GBP1,000. She chose it, she apparently loved it, tonight she messaged me and said 'I don't like it, can we return it'. which I know is not an option. Turns out her boyfriend said he didn't like it, prefers the next up design which is double the price. I am livid at how impressionable she is, livid at him for undermining a gift from her parents. But overall, I am fucking so upset and really gutted that she had no appreciation for what gifted her.

for my 18th, my older sisters got me a locket with my name on. it wasn't my style then, and it isn't now. but I still have it, because it was chosen and given with love, for a landmark birthday. I've literally never worn it, but it's in my jewellery box, and it reminds me of them every time I see it. it wouldn't have been very expensive at all, I don't think. but I appreciate the sentiment behind it. they chose something timeless and classic, because it's something they thought I could keep forever. and I will. because of the thought behind it.

Did you spoil her? I mean that's alot onna necklace for a gift does she usually get her own way with yiu? Is she a princess type

This.
Her brain is not yet fully developed. This is the way to help (rather than bully) your daughter so that she doesn't become
a. permanently entitled
b. a victim of an abusive male, whether this one or a future partner.

You don't have to condone her behaviour or pretend it's all fine. You can gently say, for example, 'I'm a bit hurt as you've probably seen, but actually my biggest feeling is one of worry.'

Sometimes as parents, sucking up the hurt inflicted by thoughtless, not-yet-fully-matured children is part of the job of demonstrating how to be a decent adult. Not to deny that what they've done isn't wrong, but to show them that it's possible regulate their emotions when things get difficult.

If you lash out in response to her lashing out, she will learn nothing. Other than that lashing out is 'how things are done'.

It's taken me a LONG time to learn this btw - I'm not preaching and I have made many mistakes myself. I still struggle to enact it, but I know it's true.

right. clearly to the OP it IS a landmark birthday. just because in many cultures it's 18 and/or 21 doesn't mean it is for them.

£1000 is an exorbitant amount of money for a non special birthday or even for a 21st / 18th

when I was 20 I would have been given a top or shoes value today £50 max

do you normally spoil her like this and have you form for returning expensive items ?

yes boyfriend is a dick but there is absolutely nothing you can do about that

That's what I said i think sometimes some mums on here really spoil their kids then wonder why they grow up so dam ungrateful

Tell her the boyfriend can but it.

I would take a deep breath and just sit for a bit, this could end up being a real big thing if you let it. She was thoughtless but don't make her feel so miserable and ashamed that you can't come back from it. Yes you feel really hurt and crap but don't lash out as you'll both just end up feeling worse.

Ridiculously spoilt, ungrateful and rude.

My kids are 22 and 19 and would never behave like that. Disgraceful.

Like fuck I'd be exchanging it

He can pay the difference and get the next model up

He's a CF of the highest order

Take the gift off her and don't replace it. Ungrateful and ill mannered.

Where I live it’s 20. 21 means nothing.

OP didn't mention it was a bracelet anywhere.

I was taught a lesson by my DP at Xmas 25 yrs ago. I wasn’t asking for something more expensive, but told him he got wrong thing.

He was “it’s your birthstone! “ …. But it wasn’t. I was fuming, thinking WHOSE birthstone? I thought he was just not caring about the gift at all and admitted he got “help” buying it and that’s why it was wrong. Harrumph!

Anyway, he took it back and I didn’t get anything else from him.

My suggestion, stay calm, say so sorry. Take it back, and she gets nothing.

Why can’t it be returned?

I think you should return it either way - you want her to have a gift she loves, and there’s no point giving her a gift she doesn’t appreciate.

You have every right to buy your daughter any gift you wish to if you can afford it.
I won’t ask what it was but I know Cartier do a lovely necklace for around £1,000 as do a lot of high end brands now, they are called entry-level as it’s designed on getting you hooked on the label.
Sadly, the social media effect is huge. And it’s the same stuff over again.
I got a Maxmara coat for my 30th (over 2 decades ago) and all my friends laughed and thought it was a bit grandma. But their coats are very in now - see young girls wearing them with leggings, trainers, cap, bag, all with logos.
I have a feeling this BF is a big influence. He’s probably made a remark about the necklace because he wants her to be seen in the next one up. Would probably take credit for it as well.
£1000 is a lot and there is no gratitude here. And bless you it’s her 21st next year what are you supposed to do then?
I think a necklace is a lovely gift and I bet it’s gorgeous.
But sadly young girls are seeing influencers in 50k watches and arms full of Cartier bracelets.
What your daughter doesn’t realise is…. most of them are fakes!!!!

OP she obviously loved what you got her, it was a stupid comment from her boyfriend. Don’t make it a too big deal, then she will only associate the bracelet/necklace with negativity. I’d be pissed off to, but try just talk to her. They are adults but that age they think they know it all, and in a couple of years when they look back they will cringe.

I’d tell her to give it to you if she doesn’t like it, you can wear it or sell it. And she will be without.

Me too

If this is out of character for her (and it sounds that it was from reading all your posts) I would put it down to a cringey blip and perhaps some problematic dynamic going on with her boyfriend. I would perhaps probe and say “that’s not something you would usually say, is everything OK with (boyfriend)?”

I also liked the other poster’s comment who said she was still baking. My DD is 21 and she has come a long way this year and that coincided with her moving out and working full time after studying. So don’t worry - she isn’t ruined! She just needs to grow up a bit more.

@jouxlake 21 is the ''Milestone of all milestone birthdays''- I still have the present I was given on my 21st birthday from my Boyfriend - a £21 silver and titanium dragonfly- In real terms today, probably £45.

I'm sorry she is so ungrateful- That would really have hurt me, too.

Labels are silly {in my estimation} I collect a specific type of antique toy, and newer people say ''Oh XYZ is my favourite maker'' -because of the internet, and they THINK that's what they are meant to say- but before the internet came about, items made by this workshop would sell for low prices as people didn't know what they were!

Buying what you love is so important - rather than buying to impress others.

I wish the people saying 'my child would never' could see that it's actually really very easy to make children behave in any way you wish.

What's really hard is to do it without fucking them up, and impacting their capacity to have good future relationships.

The fact that your kids 'would never' doesn't necessarily prove that you're a great parent.

You might just be a really scary one. Or a really manipulative one who makes them feel so guilty that they'll crush themselves. Or one they are scared might not be there when they wake up.

I would reply with ‘sorry no, you liked it when you chose it. Also, don’t be swayed by what bf doesn’t like, embrace your own style & decisions. We think your choice is great!’

Thank you.

It feels so wrong, but generally she is s a great kid, does volunteer work that most of her friends do not, nor never, do, her boyfriend certainly doesn't do any volunteer work. I am beginning to think she blurted it out because she, herself, was so hurt by it.

She was so thankful and appreciative when we bought it, called her Dad to say thank you, this is so out of character for her in so many ways.

@jouxlake My immediate reaction was that her Boyfriend wanted the money for something else...It's so unusual for her to have such a volte~face especially as she chose it herself and loved it?

Her age is no excuse to behave like a selfish ungrateful sod. She must know how hurtful this is and also grabby as she wants one twice the price ! When I was 18 my mum bought me a ring. I had showed her a ring in a window I liked. Months and months later she went and bought it for me as a lovely surprise , however it was the wrong ring which I wasn't keen on. I never let on as I saw how happy she was to have bought me such a surprise. I still have it over 30 years later and when I wear it it reminds me of my lovely mum.