Daugher not happy with gift we gave her

[jouxlake]

We bought our daughter an expensive jewellery gift for her birthday, she chose it, it was plus GBP1,000. She chose it, she apparently loved it, tonight she messaged me and said 'I don't like it, can we return it'. which I know is not an option. Turns out her boyfriend said he didn't like it, prefers the next up design which is double the price. I am livid at how impressionable she is, livid at him for undermining a gift from her parents. But overall, I am fucking so upset and really gutted that she had no appreciation for what gifted her.

What are you planning to do for her 21st - get the next necklace up?!

is she spoilt?

I wouldn’t take it to heart. It wouldn’t be the first time a 20 year old’s been disrespectful to their parent/s.

I’m sure she’ll apologise if you give her the chance.

no we don't overindulge our kids.

but we pay all her expenses, housing etc.

🤔

OP I hope by now you are knocking on her door to ask her if she's ok. It sounds like she's done something totally out of character, and I suspect your sister is right, her relationship is now creaking at the seams and she doesn't know how to deal with it.

I hope she is reflecting on her behavior but it's just as likely she is steaming with rage at her unreasonable mother! Time will tell ...

She chose it so tough!

id be pretty disappointed if my 20 year old behaved like that and I’d be telling her how disappointed I was.

however I do know if my dds boyfriend made a comment like that she would stand up for herself and her choices.

Nothing the op has said suggests the daughter is being a brat and thinking her mum is a witch for not swapping it and that this is completely out of character

life’s too short to drum up drama over something like this - have it out with her and find out what’s really going on

Another vote for take it back. Do not offer alternative. BF can buy her a nice new expensive one if he so desires. She's an ungrateful sod.

Take the jewellery back and keep it for yourself. Do not replace it. Ungrateful and I would not be spending a grand on jewellery for DD anyway.

Give her the receipt & let her deal with the return. Don't give her the option of you paying anymore towards another piece of jewellery.

Get it back immediately before he sells it to buy himself something. Put it away or wear it if it's pearls or it will lose its lustre.

She sounds very young to be gifted expensive jewellery, is it insured ? She won't wear it and it might get ' lost'

Boyfriend sounds awful and even if he hated it, it's not for him and he has dreadful manners.

Maybe OP can't take it back, but she can keep it for herself as has also been suggested. I might well do that.

I hope your DD is working up to profusely apologising. She really needs to eat dirt and grovel over this. It won't do her any harm to realise just how badly she has fucked up here.

I'm sorry OP but she is clearly spoilt, and used to it.
She sounds very materialistic and fickle.
I think you need to pull back the spending.

at 20 she's old enough to buy her own jewellery herself and defend her choice against any other redundant opinion

The thing is, whatever option you choose to do now, the gift is tainted for both giver and receiver. Let her keep it - it’s tainted. Take it back and give it to her later on when she’s more mature - tainted. Take it back for yourself instead - tainted. Neither of you will forget it now and you’ll never be able to look at it with unalloyed pleasure on either side. She can’t take back those words.

And it’s always going to be a memory of a short-term boyfriend who spoilt her gift for her and her relationship with her mother.

At the same time, you can’t let it drive a wedge between you forever.

You can’t get back what you paid for it or return it, so the money is wasted anyway.

So here’s a radical idea. I suggest you tell her all the above ways the gift is utterly spoilt and then - both to underline the irreversibility of her awful rejection of your gift because loverboy said so, and to wipe clean the slate and stop it becoming a physical reminder of a sore point - come up with a plan to dispose of it together.

Sell it for charity so it does some good or chuck it in a lake or the sea - it’s irrevocably tainted, so it needs to go, and you need to do it together to move forward and not let it come between you.

Wow! No! By now the DD should be checking in to see if mum and dad are ok, after their generous gift, given with so much thought and love, was unceremoniously thrown in their face. This is precisely what is wrong with young people today, there are no consequences for their actions. She is 20, not 12. More than old enough to realise she has hurt her parents and needs to make amends. Time to grow up!!!

Take it back off the brat and keep the refund yourself. Stop indulging her.

I love this! It’s so true! It will never be an object of beauty or something to look at and cherish.

If it really is impossible to return it just take it back from her. And either keep, give away to someone grateful, or sell it. Certainly don't get her a replacement gift.
Tell her next time you'll only give her a voucher or money for all birthdays going forward to avoid such 'mishaps'.

The worst thing is she’s 20 and she’s been with this bellend 4 years. Let’s hope it’s the beginning of the end…

She hasn’t shown her face at all since she said it? She’s going to have to learn to face the consequences of her behaviours and think about how she treats people.

Try not to be too upset with her. It’s her boyfriend who spoilt the gift for her and if he’s mortified when he finds out she’s told you, he should be. There’s definitely a conversation to be had about how much influence he has over her choices, and whether that’s healthy in a relationship.

She chose it so she must have loved it to begin with. She has the choice to return the gift (and not get a replacement) or to stick with her own judgement and learn to love it again, and what it represents.

But she's still the one that said it? Why are we blaming the boyfriend for her actions. She's 20. As usual MN cant make up their mind on when someone becomes an adult and responsible, other threads will have 18 year olds being harpooned for not acting like adults and paying their way etc

Yep @Davros that’s the part that is making me twitchy. These are very formative years and I wonder how much he quietly dominates her more generally. I also would be concerned about his motives and his values.

I don’t blame you being hurt @jouxlake and I agree with others, let her stew for a bit. If the relationship is winding up then it will be easier to extract herself or cope with being dumped if there isn’t too much confrontation at home. Let her feel your hurt but not your anger. I’d calmly take the gift back into your possession if she still wants to return it but don’t replace it. Twenty year olds are often adult in name only, my oldest DD was very difficult 18-21 and said and did a few things that were very self centred, then the clouds parted and now at 23 she totally different and cringes at some of the things she did.