Not invited to stepdaughter's wedding

[Chewitally]

I've been with her Dad for over ten years. Her mum's partner is invited.

We don't have a good relationship for reasons irrelevant to this but I never thought she would stoop so low as to not invite me to her wedding.

Controlling much? He is old enough to attend a wedding for a number of hours alone and you are old enough to be by yourself for a number of hours. Or go out and do something yourself.

Why should children be put above anyone else?

And why do so many people feel it’s okay for SD to disrespect her father & his relationship?

I detested my dad’s wife & she treated me badly, but it never occurred to me to not invite her to my wedding as she was important to him.

Why the heck not?

What difference does it make if OP is married or not? Being in a committed partnership and not married doesn’t necessarily mean he wouldn’t marry her, not everyone sees the point in marriage.
What is it with people being less respectful of a partnership than a marriage?

You must have gotten selfish parents. All that the daughter requires is her dad for some hours on his own. Surely he went to work for 8-10 including commute time. I would think he could separate from his partner of 10 years for a wedding?

The OP wants validation in her own relationship to be invited and this is the opposite since she isn’t invited.

The world does not revolve around you.

He should go to his daughter’s wedding. You could be the hero and encourage him to go and let go of this emotion over not being extended an invitation. You are crossing boundaries by discouraging him from attending. If you want validation in your place in your relationship with him look in his face and see how he looks at you.

When I was 5 my father told me 2 things. 1. Not everyone is going to like you. 2. Life is not fair. Both things seem applicable to this situation. Father’s are brilliant. Let her have her own on her wedding day.

Marriage is different.

You don’t have to convince us when you got together with the guy. You know yourself.

How on earth is the SD disrespecting her father. She invited him to the wedding cause he is dad. Respect is earned. He appears to have managed a little.

She does not have to respect his relationship at all. Especially if unmarried. The relationship does not need to be acknowledged at all. A child does not have to accept any relationship outside the two parent one. Can but does not have to.

Because he is her FATHER! He has more of a relationship with her, than he does with you. CHILDREN COME FIRST, before partners. No decent parent would ever choose a partner over their OWN CHILD! If he is choosing some girlfriend over his own daughter, he is SCUM IN THE GUTTER!

10 years might have elapsed but you are being very obtuse if you are unable to understand that, having had the confidence of your then friend whilst she was going through the pain of separating and then divorcing, then getting into a relationship with her ex yourself, was never going to be seen as anything other than a betrayal of your friendship and her trust in you. You are happy with your DP but you need to accept his ex and his daughter will never reconcile themselves to you. Dig deep for a shred of decency and encourage him whole heartedly to go to the wedding on his own and with your blessing.

Who gives a shit what she's done? It does not matter what she has done, short of being a serial killer or murdering a child, he has to be there! You come last. She comes first. That, is the order of things. She is his flesh and blood. As such he has a duty to be there. A person's child, their flesh and blood, should always, ALWAYS come before a partner. And I note, he's been with you for 10 years and not married you. That's pathetic! That should tell you how he sees you.

My fiances step dad will deffinitely NOT be at our wedding.
He's married to partners mum, but we both severely dislike him, and he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
Being a long term partner of one of the couples parents doesn't give you a right to attend.

How?

If their relationship has been poor, which clearly it has, then that sounds principled not petty.

Why are you so certain that your ex-friends version of events is the lies rather than your DPs?

Unless your SD is getting married very, very young when her parents split up she would have been old enough to be aware of what was going on and would have seen for herself what was happening. Most children know far more about their parents relationship than any friends, because they live it day in day out. You should be very careful about claiming she's been poisoned against him and denying her lived experience - that is not going to do anything to help your relationship.

She is not respecting his choice of partner & the fact that she is important to him. Would you really be okay with your family pretending your partner didn’t exist?

Yeah, my mother accidentally died when I was one, it was terribly selfish! My devastated dad left with 4 little kids. Selfish.

You think that your children taking the same negative view as a friend with respect to your 10 year relationship is a sign that they are unduly influenced by her and has nothing to do with your own actions.... PLEASE. You are their mother, she's just a random friend - if they are disagreeing with you on something so fundamental its not because a friend has too much influence over them vs their own mother, its because they genuinely disagree with you and your behavior.

The families were very close and you didn't know him that well...? You're struggling to keep your story straight.

Not buying this one.

Why should an adult child be entitled to what they want? Flesh & blood - so doesn’t apply to adopted kids?
People should respect their parents right to make choices, rather than disagree & still sulk after 10 years!

Respecting a choice does not mean she has to extend an invitation. OP should respect that.

You know how or you would have gotten married instead of falling short that step. You are free to partner or marry or eventually having done both. Don’t identify as married with all rights and responsibilities if you are not.

Perhaps it’s my age, but piss or get off the pot. How can people commit to sleeping with someone, living with someone and never make that step in 10 years? Since divorce became more common the children in divorce tend to be the ones not trusting it and living a long time together first. Can’t say I blame them.

Partners can come and go without a divorce. Marriage is when you want your partnership acknowledged legally and socially and you stand up in front of witnesses and before God and say you will be exclusive until death and write your name down on paper as such. Partners can screw what they like cause they don’t have that vow. Marriage others know not to enter the bed of either party until natural death or divorce. Marriage you have some say over things like end of life decisions, finances, etc without extra paperwork. Partners have to write that down individually. Married people can also make written instructions but nothing is assumed if they don’t.

The reason the OP annoyed is an invite would be an acknowledgement of her relationship with partner of 10 years. She is pissed cause his daughter does not give it. The two of them are the ones responsible for that acknowledgement going out to the world that they are a couple. Not the bride. She should be mad at herself. Mad at him.

I don’t cast stones at her. She got with the guy when she got with the guy. If she says so she says so. It really should not matter if other people think different. Then they think different. She would know the truth of it that it was not during either marriage and that should be satisfaction enough.

In this scenario I would be the bigger person and tell DH to go to his daughter's wedding. If he doesn't you will forever be the person who kept him away. If he's uncomfortable he should just go to the ceremony for an hour. Not going at all shouldn't be an option.

And that is the reason you are not invited! You sound horrible! I will always put my children first and I’m pretty sure most other normal loving parents do..
I hope your step daughter has an amazing day without you pretty sure she won’t give you a second thought and let’s hope your DH sees sense and goes to his daughter’s wedding. If not you may of just ruined that relationship.