Not invited to stepdaughter's wedding

[Chewitally]

I've been with her Dad for over ten years. Her mum's partner is invited.

We don't have a good relationship for reasons irrelevant to this but I never thought she would stoop so low as to not invite me to her wedding.

I wonder why?

If you read your thread you seem completely unhinged. You don’t like your step daughter or you ex friend yet you expect to be invited to a family celebration.
in all kindness put principles aside & think how your stepdaughter will feel picking a new partner over her.
I doubt you’d enjoy it anyway, think of it as you were invited but politely declined for the sake of everyone, most importantly yourself

Are you married? If not, you are not her stepmother. You are her father's girlfriend.

Most couples wouldn't stop their other halves attending events because they aren't invited. I've been married for a long time, have children together and wouldn't expect to be invited to DH's events by extension I certainly wouldn't tell him he couldn't attend if I didn't tag along. It sounds very controlling insisting you attend a wedding for your boyfriend's daughter, to whom you are no relation.

You don't go with a man your friends have been with let alone married, that is rule no1.
No amount of time makes that better, it's disgusting and I would not invite you either, you sound like and entitled, spoiled brat and I can see why she doesn't like you. You say his ex was controlling and not nice, I'd take a long hard look in the mirror if I was you and if you have one once of decency left in your body, tell your husband to go to his daughters wedding, why would he want to go without me, like you are really something special, if he was a decent father he would want to go no matter what, I can't believe you are so far up your own arse that you can't see how horrible you have become

You’re assuming the bride’s mum is annoyed over her ex. This feud doesn’t have to be about the man you know she’s probably carrying a grudge about the betrayal.

What your SIL did was shit but that’s a different situation.

This middle-aged Romeo & Juliet have put their relationship before either of their children and now the chickens are coming home to roost. They can’t ride roughshod over their children’s feelings and expect there to be no consequences.

Are you married? If not, you are not her stepmother. You are her father's girlfriend.

Yes, if as it seems they're not married and OP never played a parental role, it's bloody cheek calling the bride her stepdaughter.

Come to that I query what sort of a father her boyfriend's been, if he doesn't even visit his grandchildren. Does he expect them to be brought to him and his unpopular girlfriend?

Seems to me the bride might be making one last effort with her father, and if he doesn't bother turning up to the wedding (even now he's allowed to) then maybe she can write him off at last.

"You don't go with a man your friends have been with..."

Really?

When I was a teenager, if that had been the rule people would quickly have run out of dates.

Not necessarily petty and the situation is unresolved for any of their children, OPs included. So it’s not 10 years down the line if they are all still living it.

They chose their relationship over their children. This is the consequence to of that decision.

But then you grow up / the world opens up to you. Teen dates are just practicing really.

It's meant to be the happiest day of her life.
Don't spoil it.
Try to act with grace and dignity.
Wish her well, encourage your DP to do the right thing by his daughter and book yourself on a spa day for that date.

Blended families are often very very difficult to navigate; there are hurts and dynamics that run deep and linger and often none of the blood ties and primal histories that bond us to nuclear family. Your SD is ultimately entitled to not invite you to her wedding, and you are entitled to be upset about it. Neither stance is going to improve family relations moving forward / you can be the bigger person and let this go, or you hold on to resentment and make the whole thing more difficult.

It's all very complicated and not a tangle that MN can navigate!

He's her father, regardless of the situation, he should go!

And as I've said above, you reach a certain age and your social circle becomes smaller.

After my husband's ex lost her partner to a brain aneurysm, she got together with my husband's best pal who was a widower. (His wife died of cancer.) They lived in different areas, but they went to school together and all kept in touch.

The people who objected to the relationship were the widower's children and grandchildren. Apparently, the ex had laughingly commented that she'd fancied the widower when they were both teenagers at high school. That was enough to offend them - they didn't want their grand/father moving on.

This!

Did you live in a tiny village as a teen?

Not a village - a town, rather than a city.

ETA One secondary school, with 6 feeder primaries.

But why is it a betrayal? As the OP has said, she wasn't the OW. This happened afterwards. I'm not trying to be difficult but I honestly can't see the problem. When my stepsister got married, her father and my mother and her mother and partner all attended and no one was fussed.

OP was the confidante who was told about the marital problems - and is now (and has presumably been doing for years) slagging off both her former friend and that friend's daughter, who she refers to as her stepdaughter. That's betrayal in my book.

From just reading your OP and comments I'm not surprised. Unless it's your wish for DSD to be estranged from your partner (you don't say you're married) please don't encourage him not to attend. If he's any sort of father, you'll end up as the bad guy if you insist he boycotts.
DSD and you clearly don't get on but comparing you to her SF won't help either. How old is she? Has she spent much more time with him, even lived with him with him in a DF role if your partner was the NRP post-divorce?
Also maybe you view it differently, but in my circle there would definitely be upset caused if a 'friend' who'd been confided in about marriage problems, (regardless of veracity) paired up with an ex.

Why should people put their children first, especially when they’re adults?

I’ve never understood this. A couple gets together, has kids, then puts their partner second?

And why is it not okay to couple up with a single person if you’ve socialised with their ex?

What does it matter?

Because regardless of your relationship with her dad. Your partners DAUGHTER is getting married!
You don't get on, your responses about her support this.
Yet you seem mad, you're not invited.?!
The icing on the cake...."of course he wouldn't go without me"
Instead of " EVERYBODY knows we don't get on, he will be going. I won't.
If he doesn't attend, again everybody will know this will be down to your spitefulness.
Grow up! plan a nice day with friends ( if you have any ) or sulk, but don't dictate, demand or agree a father can't attend his daughter's wedding.
Insist he goes, try to allude your not bitter, wicked and nasty!

PS I cannot stand my dad's wife! After 15 years of trying, I've called it a day!

Wow OP. Any decent person puts their child first. You are something else!! This isn't about you.

Let it go. Let him go. He is old enough to attend a wedding by himself.