Not sure what I make of this - DD and boyfriends Mum (TW discussion about abortion)

[Mybodymychoiceorherchoice]

Dd and her boyfriend are both 17, both good, sensible kids, have jobs , go to college, nice mates, don't drink, don't live in each others pockets either. They have been seeing each other for close to a year.

Dd is on the pill, and they also use condoms. Neither want a baby, dd strongly believes in a woman's right to choose, but she doesn't think she would be able to have an abortion if an accident happened, her and her boyfriend have discussed this so he knows.

Dd was on antibiotics recently and they had an accident, I went with dd and got her the MAP right away (her request) and all was fine.

This, however, has inspired a chat from her boyfriends Mum, who now also wants to meet me to discuss this.

She sat dd down over the weekend and told her that if she were to fall pregnant that she absolutely has to get an abortion, no ifs ands or buts, and that neither her, or a baby would be welcomed if she should choose to keep it (obviously if she became pregnant).

The mum has requested I meet her, we discuss this and sit and present it to them and basically say neither of us would support them, they would be kicked out etc (it was a very long text and not quite as blatant as that, but that's the jist).

I've had very few dealings with this woman, she seemed nice enough, always treated dd kindly, but this is shitty right?

I'm obviously not going to bully my daughter into being terrified to come to me if she were to get pregnant, and I would support her in whatever her choice was 100%, so I don't even know what to say to this woman for the sake of family harmony, because, currently, I want to tell her to fuck off.

It's very unlikely dd will fall pregnant anyway given how sensible they are being, so there's no need for this chat to happen at all.

Dd knows I very much believe in a woman's right to choose, and that includes the choice not to have an abortion too.

I need to tell this woman I'm not having this chat, that I would support my daughter, and I'm not wiling to gang up on, and terrify, a couple of teens about a situation that's very unlikely to happen anyway, but in a neutral way so I don't piss her off and destroy the relationship she has with dd.

I also have sons and I just wouldn't ever dream of saying shit like this to their girlfriends.

Oh give it a rest. Condoms can burst/tear. I don’t understand why you would criticise such a clearly sensible young couple

Oh come on - they are absolutely being careful and responsible!
The chances of antibodies affecting the pill are actually pretty small these days, and it is dependent on which type of antibodies used.

I'd have to reply that if that ever happened (vanishingly small chance given belt and braces approach) you would support DD in whichever decision SHE chose.

This is awful and I completely understand your reaction. The clue for the boyfriend's mother is surely the word "choice". No woman should feel compelled to have an abortion.

Can you/ your daughter find out if this is also what the boyfriend feels? Because if so, it's a deal breaker

What is your problem @easierstill?

OP's daughter is using two methods of contraception and took a preventative when needed. That's what they're for.

But yet you have made a wild assumption that daughter has "been vocal" about wanting to keep a baby if she fell pregnant.

I can only assume you're in the throes of something similar for all the shit you're throwing OP's way.

FWIW @Mybodymychoiceorherchoice I would be texting the mother back saying I absolutely won't be supporting her, being kind, very 'full-on' approach should a pregnancy happen, and will take things as they occur.

It wasn't that antibiotic, and I had no idea it was just that one tbh, so thank you for that, the doctor just said that her pill may not work when handing the prescription over so I never thought to check further.

I'm not sure how she came to know dd isn't sure if she could have an abortion, dd is very, very vocal about a woman's right to choose and has been talking a lot about what's happening in America, and she regularly donates to charities who support women, so probably came up when she was having a rant.

If you'd found the morning after pill packaging in the bin everyone would be telling you you should have fostered a more open relationship with your child.

Sounds like they're a lovely, sensible couple and have your support.

Some utterly insane answers on this thread.

OP, your DD sounds very sensible and her boyfriend's mum is being intrusive and weird. I completely get that she might be worried about any possibility of her son becoming a teenage dad, but she needs to have that conversation with her son, not your daughter, and she has absolutely no business telling you how she wants you to approach the subject. Ultimately, if she would indeed refuse to support her son or acknowledge his child in the event of a pregnancy, then that's up to her. But she cannot and should not be asking you to take the same stance, and she vastly overstepped by telling your daughter she would 'have to' get an abortion if she got pregnant.

It's abundantly clear that your DD doesn't want to get pregnant if she took the MAP after a split condom and you have nothing to worry about.

I'm not sure why anyone is giving you a hard time here OP. You are absolutely doing the right thing supporting your dd.

I have 2 dd, and no way would I do to them what this woman wants you to do to your dd.

She's only thinking of her ds.

You sound like a good supportive dm. Keep the communion lines open with your dc, always.

Dds boyfriend fully understands dds stance, and agrees that neither will know how they feel should a pregnancy happen. He says he would stand by dd either way, and, given his behaviour this past year, and how well he has treated dd, I have no reason to think otherwise.

I'd say "I don't think that's necessary. DD already knows my thoughts and the support i offer her. I appreciate that you have your own views on that and are of course entitled to advise your own son as you see fit as to precautions he should take to avoid becoming a father. I think it would be best if we both parented our own teens in accordance with our positions rather than crossing over into parenting each others here"

You both sound very sensible. This MiL is over stepping. She can’t force anyone to have an abortion. It’s not even happened yet!

I would just rea6lly saying "and I'm disappointed in yours, we obviously have very different approaches to this"

I know it's actually mad that she's got so het up over a hypothetical situation, mind you I'm angry about it too now I guess, so I'm no better 🤣

The replies on this thread are demented.

The daughter has every right to make choices about her own body and it's none of the mothers business. At 17 I would have been fucking mortified at my mum and boyfriend's mum getting together to decide on my birth control. It's controlling, invasive and weird. It's also weird that this mum wants to sit down and get on the same page as the OP. They aren't little children having a dispute at school, they're soon-to-be adults choosing to engage in consensual sex.

The daughter is being safe using pill + condom, and she's been sensible to explain to the boyfriend that she might not want an abortion. I've always done the same, since I started having sex at 17. I make sure that the men know that I might not want an abortion (or that I might) so that they know a pregnancy is on the cards when they have sex with me and don't just assume it will be "taken care of". I'd take a very dim view of any man (let alone his mother!) who thought he could bully me out of making my own reproductive choices.

She's no right to tell you what your daughter should be doing with her own uterus? Bizarre. I hope this woman doesn't have daughters?

Anyway, just ignore it. It's hardly news flash of the century that most mums of teenage boys don't want their son getting people pregnant.
It's none of her business at the end of the day. But reasonable enough that she would rather that didn't happen.
Though why voice it to you in such a manner?

How did she even know about the need for MAP?
If I were you I'd tell your daughter not to talk about her sex life to her bf's mum as she seems really nosy.

Have you never had a condom break on you before? I have, recently, and I am in my 40s.
Their choice of contraception failed so the OPs DD immediately sourced an alternative soloution. How can she be more responsible than that? And before someone comes along and says "not have sex at all", give your head a wobble. We have all been teenagers.

OP your DD sounds responsible and you are right, it is absolutely her right to choose what she does in the event of a pregnancy. I would respond to the boyfriends mother how others have suggested telling her you aren't willing to discuss this with her, or have the awful chat she's proposing.

But what doesn't make sense is why the boyfriends mother wants to speak to the OP about this instead of her son?? And then mandate that a woman who is not even her own daughter has to have an abortion if contraception fails? Lunacy. I'd shut that down.

If the mum wants the (fairly adult in age) kids go be having safer sex, she should be speaking to her son.

I have had said similar to my 18 yr old son when they had a scare. Obv. wouldnt kick him out, but told him that they would not be living here with a baby, they would have to stay at her mothers.

And said that i would be advocating for an abortion, as they are both only 18. She's at college and unemployed and hes an apprentice on a low age, but wouldnt dream of saying anything to girls mother, thats over stepping.

It feels that some on this thread would rather your dd didn't take the map and risk being pregnant rather than do the sensible thing and take the map early just in case!
I would have been furious too if I received a message like that from the parent of my kids partner, and for them to sit them down like that. It's good your dd feels comfortable to speak to you about these things, and I'm sure her partner feels the same way.

Were you there witnessing OPs DD and her BF having sex. How the fuck do you know that the condom didn't break

I think she's telling you stories OP.

0.4% of condoms break during sex, the chance of that happening while she also just so happens to be on antibiotics is pretty unlikely.

I'd be amazed if they are still using condoms, I expect they were at first but I doubt they are anymore.

Anyway the other mother is wrong and of course. I would just say to her that while you wouldn't want your dd pregnant at such a young age you wouldn't force her to have an abortion because that wouldn't be right either.

OP you sound eminently sensible. Some of the hand wringing on this thread is absolutely barmy.

I had a friend who was pregnant at 18 when she didn't want to be (not a contraception fail so much as ignorance unfortunately). She was so terrified what her parents would say, having drummed it into her that she was not under any circumstances to have a baby until she was married, that she booked an abortion. She got as far as the doors before she realised she couldn't go through with it and as it happened her parents were fine. Shocked, but fine.

If they'd made it clear it was her choice from when she started serious relationships, it would have saved her an enormous amount of stress and almost doing something that I think she - in her specific case - would have regretted for the rest of her life (a lot of people have abortions and it is totally the right decision for them, this is not a comment on abortion generally - just this one person's experience).

FWIW I strongly believe in abortion access and women's right to choose. That right includes not being pressured into abortion by your parents.

I would reply to the other mum something along the lines of "her body, her choice".

Condoms break you know, nothing to do with using them properly. the girl did the sensible thing in the circumstance and took the MAP.

Exactly. I really don't understand why people are suggesting that this means they're not being sensible. When I was a student I was on the pill but had an upset stomach for a couple of days so we decided to use condoms for the rest of that cycle as a precaution. One split so I went to get the MAP. That is sensible. It's the only time we've ever had a condom split, bad luck does happen.

The OP's daughter and her boyfriend are being sensible and the boyfriend's mother is being ridiculous, the OP is right to shut her down.

She had also been ill which can make the pill not so effective. This is how my sister got caught same age.