When / if you become a MIL do you accept that you will become second best?

[mightaswellfaceityoureaddictedtolove]

Just this really, just reading some of the MIL threads on here where MILs are expected to take a step back and the new partner / family goes steps that role. It must be really hard but I suppose that's just how things are but still must be tough to accept.

Mine are young at the moment and not really into the opposite sex and they're absolutely my world and we're very much each others priority but I do sometimes feel sad thinking that at some point we won't be in each others lives like we are now, although it's natural and I suppose would be weird if that carried on forever.

Yes you have to accept it. Imagine the opposite- a man putting his mum before his wife and children- ew.

Of course it’s easier if you get on with your DIL and don’t set yourself up in opposition to her (and hope she doesn’t either).

Just come straight from a thread where the Dil has googled an EpiPen she found in her mil's fridge, then posted on here calling her mil a liar for not discussing it with her.
I am thankful every time I read something like this that my son's wife is nothing like this. She is absolutely lovely and, if anything, I know more about what's going on now that she is in our lives. Because my son is pretty useless at the day to day stuff (always has been), and she keeps up the communications.
Life moves on, things change, and there are no guarantees.
All you can do is always be there for them. And don't criticise their choice of partner. That's usually enough to keep them in your life!

I don't think it's being second best it's just a matter of priorities. Of course, when children are young, they need more, and that's where most of your time and attention goes. Right now, my mil is sick. She lost her husband a few years ago so she is my husband's priority, and rightly so. She needs him more than I do at the moment I support him fully.

@NotbloodyGivingupYet - I've just read that one (before writing this) and that is horrible. I used to get on really well with my departed MIL but we did have our ups and downs but I think we both compromised and made it work. I miss her a lo t.

Absolutely, but it must be hard. I think when they're young it's almost unimaginable to think about the dynamic changing so much even if it is the natural order of things,

i am a MIL too my DD's husband.. and i'll be honest, i adore him and he adores me, we have such a great relationship. i am also a SM to my husbands son, and i call his partner my DIL. The relationship isn't the same and i genuinely think its harder to be a MIL too your sons (or in my case step sons) partner/wife than it is to your DD's... does that make sense

I'm very fortunate to have a wonderful MIL who I love dearly. In fact we are closer than I am to my DM. She gives us space but is always there when we need her. She joked with me when we married that DH isy problem now 🤣 She and DH still have a lovely relationship which I have never felt threatened by. Reading some of the threads on here have me 😱

So I have a fantastic role model and I just have to hope that my future DILs can have the same/similar relationship with me. I know how to be a successful MIL through my MIL experience. And I will absolutely know that I won't be #1 in their lives. As pp said, it wouldn't be right to try and compete with DILs. The plan is to be there for love and support 🙂

I just look at it that as a parent I'm preparing my children to function without me and be capable adults. So my son prioritising his family is what I'm hoping for as an extension of that.
I feel like the mil dramas stem from trying to maintain ownership of their adult child or go head to head with the wife.
The default from mother in laws is that the blame is always on the daughter in law from stealing their baby away, when in reality the son has created a new family who they're priorities lie with. Personally Id see that as proof id done a successful job as a mother.

Amen!

They are completely different relationships and there shouldn't be any competition.

Unfortunately my Mil doesn't understand that.

someone once told me, and i do not know if this is true, but if you have sons and they marry you lose a son, but if you have daughters and they marry, then you gain a son? i only have daughters.. but my step children are all boys and this theory certainly does ring true.

my theory is i am here if anyone wants me, i will be as much a part of their lives as they want me to be and will support as much as needed.

I hope to not be unhealthy enmeshed to my children when they leave home so yes, it's the natural order of things imo.
I'll be very happy to step back and be in the back ground watching my children make their own way, I'll be here if it goes tit's up or give them advice IF ASKED but I have my own life to get on with thanks.

Of course I’m second best, if I wasn’t there would be something very wrong. In exchange I’ve got two other people in my life who I love and who love me. They are all extremely happy so I am as well.

Except women tend not to expect to have to put their own mothers on the back burner when they gain a partner. Mothers of sons are expected to make themselves invisible, while the DIL meets up with or calls her mum a couple of times a week.

I only have daughters (and very easy going sons in law) but even I can see the double standards, and feel for my friends with sons and DILs, who seem to have very different experiences from mine now our kids are all in their mid 30s

This is why you need to cultivate a life for yourself beyond your children. Gets easier as they get older!

I think that's just the natural order of things. I'm going to 1) try to personally insult my in laws looks 2) tell them they are boring 3) post on FB for the entire family to see how they have changed my child. If I can just do that ( basic manors) and show basic respect then I'm.doing better than my mil

My MIL is very difficult BUT I have two brothers and their wives adore my mum. My mum is chatty, outgoing, charismatic and generally people flock to her. She is also not in any way controlling - in fact she's happy to go along with what others want.

Both my brothers wives call up my mum to chat more than they do their own mother's - so I don't think it's a guarantee you won't be close with DILs. They might be like new daughters!

I never had any huge issue with my own MIL until I had a baby and she wouldn't let me hold the baby/repeatedly told me my baby preferred her to me, that I needed to leave baby overnight with her - or just leave the house while she came to see baby - and kept calling herself "mum" to my baby.

If she hadn't behaved like that I don't think I would have had any issue with her - but she upset me a lot and tbh we don't see her very often now.

I assume you expect you and your children ti be the priority to your husband, and not his parents, your children should be able to do the same. The people you live with and support 24/7 emotionally and financially should be your priority.

This just seems like an extension of the idea that men only have ‘room’ for one woman in their lives, so they are supposed to quietly shelve female friends as soon as they’re in a relationship. It’s completely mad, and treating men like some kind of territory to be fought over.

That's not how it works. Most of the time yes, but there were times when either I or my late husband had to briefly prioritise a parent due to their illness or other difficult situation. Or where it might just be nice to be considerate and recognise that doing something that night be inconvenient for us, would give them great pleasure.

DILs (and sons in law, for that matter) don't get to own their partner and tell their in laws that they don't matter any more.

I have'SIL to be and we have a great relationship..meeting his mum tomorrow for lunch.
Have DIL to be and we have a great relationship.
Only MN have these dramas

My MIL was very efficient, not particularly warm and huggy .my kids don't care because my Mum was a brilliant Grandma and they adored her .Absolutely no problem with family dynamics all good 👍

Except women tend not to expect to have to put their own mothers on the back burner when they gain a partner. Mothers of sons are expected to make themselves invisible, while the DIL meets up with or calls her mum a couple of times a week.
I think this is the issue. DH and I are make sure that IL's have as important a role with the DC as my family do. Of course, I don't agree with everything my MIL thinks about child rearing but I respect the fact she did a good job with DH or I wouldn't have married him.

This, 100%. I never felt at all differently towards my parents when I moved in with DP, or had a baby. I didn't suddenly move them down a notch. Couples can split up but my parents will love me unconditionally until their last breath.

More sexist pish from mumsnet.

Not always. If you’re decent, rich, and treat your DS and dil well you might even become the favoured GP.

I actually think that the MIL thing is a red herring. My own DC are little right now, and I'm the most important person in their lives, as they are in mine. It's hard to think of a time that in the future they will continue to be everything to me, but I will fade from their lives, no longer needed and loved like I am today. Its only right that this should happen, and a sign that I will have done my job right, but it's still sad.

It however has nothing to do with becoming a MIL. I hope that my children have happy lives in whatever family setting they choose, but even if they don't get married, I want them to be independent and develop their own important relationships away from me. It's not that you get replaced by a wife or humans, it's that your children naturally take on the role of adults, in all it's complicated glory, while you remain their mother forever.