When / if you become a MIL do you accept that you will become second best?

[mightaswellfaceityoureaddictedtolove]

Just this really, just reading some of the MIL threads on here where MILs are expected to take a step back and the new partner / family goes steps that role. It must be really hard but I suppose that's just how things are but still must be tough to accept.

Mine are young at the moment and not really into the opposite sex and they're absolutely my world and we're very much each others priority but I do sometimes feel sad thinking that at some point we won't be in each others lives like we are now, although it's natural and I suppose would be weird if that carried on forever.

It's the natural order of things. By the time they get married/ move in with their partner, you've had your turn at being the most important person in their lives. My kids are 20, 17 & 16 and this prospect is just around the corner for me. I'm hugely grateful to have had the chance to be their mum, they are gorgeous people and my job as their mum has changed so much over the years, this will be one more adjustment. If I'm lucky, one of them will make me a grandma and I get to love and support my kids in a new way then too.
I think the one thing I have learned in life is that thinking about yourself and your needs so much does not bring happiness. That comes from being part of something bigger than you, giving / working together for a common cause brings so much more fulfilment that focussing on what we want all the time. Just enjoy the privilege of being their mum now. It's bloody hard work at times but it is a beautiful thing to be so connected to another human being as you are as a mum. Let it be.

What an odd way to think?
It's not a competition. I will always be my kids mother but that role changes over time.
I do hope I'll be included in some capacity in my children's adult lives but I certainly don't feel ill be I'm competition with their romantic partners!! Of course they will focus on falling in love and at some stage their newly formed family set up. It's not a matter of acceptance. I will be actively happy for them when they do these things. I want them to be happy and get what they want out of adult life.

A dynamic I've observed in family and friends is that a wife's parents often respect her and rely on her to some extent. A husband's parents often still think of him as a child, slightly incapable in managing a home and relationships.

I've seen it several times where this view of incapability and lack of respect is extended to the son's wife.

Oh gosh I really recognise this, although in our case I don't think it's gendered but because DH is much younger than his sibling and also much younger than most cousins. Now that he's a married 40yo father of two they're just about accepting that he's grown up, and me by extension. His brother gets lots of praise for all he does, but he's actually much less independent than DH and still depends a lot on PIL for logistics even though they're getting on now.

There's no overstepping or bad behaviour in our case though, PIL are wonderful and I love them dearly. They were definitely a couple of decades behind my own parents in seeing us as adults though!

Mine are neither young kids (they're over 18) nor getting married, though both have / have had partners.

You're overlooking the fact that parenting changes over the years as children grow up. You lose the total control you have when they're little, they develop their own personalities, interests etc. You change too - I've enjoyed seeing mine grow up and become more independent (both still live at home) and I've enjoyed getting a lot of my freedom back.

I was happy when one went away frequently to visit their (now ex) long term partner, knowing they were having new experiences. I like the other's current partner who stays over regularly. What I care about now is that they find healthy relationships with a supportive partner. I don't need them confiding everything in me, unless they want to, or being dependent on me. After 25 or so years of parenting, I'm looking to develop other aspects of my life.

Who is expecting this? Why can't adult sons also make independent plans to see their mothers and call them regularly? Nobody is stopping them.

The issue is that DILs are expected to manage their husband's family relationships for them. Many are quite rightly not prepared to assume that responsibility.

My daughter is an adult and my son is a mid teen. I don’t expect to be ‘first best’ on their lives now. That’s not how it works.

I love them and we are very close. But I don’t expect to be their priority now. They have their own lives that shouldn’t revolve around me.

I wouldn't think of it as 'second best', it's just different. Not everything is some competition for a top spot. Things will mostly be different because my son would be an adult rather than primarily because a he has a partner.

I'm not a MIL but I have boys and a girl and I expect there will be some differences. I'm sure DD will want me around for all the messy bits of parenting. DIL (or SILs!) will likely be closer to their mums. Good.

I've had both experiences. My first MiL was an evil piece of work who made my life hell during a difficult relationship, treated my DD (her GD) like crap and generally is a narcy nightmare. She would 100% have had that attitude about being 'second best' and tried to her best to thwart it at every step. She wasn't the reason we split up, but getting shot of her made things much more bearable.

MiL now is one of my best friends and has taught me how to do it when my sons are grown. She cares, she supports, she never, ever judges, and it's a two way street if we need her or she needs us. Our relationship isn't solely about the kids, we have hobbies in common, and genuine liking for each other. I include her, she has always treated me as one of her own. In fact she is the one who gets me the most amazing gifts because she listens and cares and knows my interests, and I spend time choosing carefully for her. Then make him pay. Because I want it to be lovely for her.

I haven't done anything differently. But one has accepted that her son is a husband and father and is proud of how he works for us and puts us first, and one was disgusted he had another woman more important than her. I know which one I want to be.

I imagine i should put on my tin hat here ..... but I think mum/son and dad/daughter relationships have a slightly different dynamic to mum/daughter, dad/son relationships.

I only have daughters (4 of them - primary age to 30)(eldest with baby of her own now) and i just want them to grow into happy healthy women and go on to have happy relationships and maybe have kids and enjoy them and enjoy their partners (yes - sex!) as much as i do. I feel like my DDs are like birds and it's my job to raise them and throw them free, and hope they come back and visit me sometimes 😊

My DH, however, is pained (in private) by the growing up of our DDs. The idea of boyfriends ect has always bought up nothing but defensive chest beating thoughts 😂

I mean we laugh about it, he and i. He can see it but he cant help it. He doesn't show these thoughts to the girls of course, but there's a world of difference between how we experience seeing the growing up of our daughters.

My Dad was the same. I was his little girl till the day he died. (i was 38)

I think mother's of sons feel a bit differently about their sons growing up and a DIL coming onto the scene, than the typical father of the sons. Dads of boys don't tend to fret much about their lads growing up or worry about becoming 'second best' do they?

My DS is 21 and in his 4th year of uni.
He's never had a partner (always got his head in a book ! ) but Im sure he will .
As he has three sisters too so someday all 4 of us will be meeting "the one"
Anyways ... I have always advised him that one day I hope he is lucky enough to find a relationship whereby he loves someone so much more than us and that's how it should be . Try and be excited for their next chapter because it's truly a blessing when they come back to see you because they want your company. They come back with partners / husbands and my eldest and her family asked us to go on holiday with them last year . I was like omg to my SiL ... surely you don't want your MIL (me ) on holiday with you guys but it seems they really did ! That was just lovely. Enjoy each milestone
X

I would love to just add - my own MIL is a super MIL. I couldn't ask for anyone better. She shows love and respect and i like her a lot. I use her as a role model for being a MIL myself.

Oh absolutely. I am loving this stage of my life. The freedom to work, travel a bit (not too far as I cannot be away from my son for long, but the joy of a week in Europe), see friends when I want, follow my own interests.

I love seeing my adult children grow into who they are. They’re very different. When they were little I used to say they were like chalk, cheese and bonkers and I had no idea which was which. That’s
still true & they are all doing their own thing.

And yes - it took a lot of time and my son has been through a lot, but his team are amazing with him. They’re all young, male - and his posse 😁

My middle son lives in London and often rings for a chat to tell me what he has been up to. He has always known what he wanted to do and is out doing it - what more could any parent want.

My youngest is still at home. Working and socialising hard as I would expect in his twenties.

Honestly I love seeing them all living their own lives. It is such a joy.

How about taking the approach “not losing a son but gaining a daughter”?

I have known some amazing MiLs (my own included). Of course no one is ever good enough for your boy to some extent - but ignore that, because it’s irrelevant- the right attitude will bring yu closer to your sons and grandkids in the long run. And a good dil relationship can be a lovely thing.

I think it depends
It seems to me that mothers of daughters often keep more in touch because their daughter keeps more in touch.
Mothers of sons tend to become less involved as their sons don't keep in touch as well except if their relationship with the dil is really good.
For example,
My mum doesn't hear from my brothers as they're not good at keeping in touch.
On the other hand I see my in laws all the time because I adore my mil and she me.
There are of course exceptions as not all women are great at keeping in touch and some men are. But it does seem more dependent on the relationship with the dil in the case of sons, but the cause of that is usually the sons not their wifes.
So if yiu don't see your son maybe consider that before you blame hos wife.

It sounds very enmeshed and needy - suggesting one would be relegated to second best assumes you are „first best“ now? What’s the alternative- It is very weird and dysfunctional to have a child who gives their parent priority over their spouse and children and I would suggest never comes from a balanced childhood.

You’ve also the issue that seeing the spouses parents and how they interact gives an adult child a window into another family, and it can either be that they appreciate their own family more or can find them lacking depending on what they see.

Of course. My children are little but at some point they will have probably partners and maybe children and then of courses they will be their priority. It would be a worry if that wasn’t the case.

It isn’t an overnight thing though is it. Kids naturally and slowly move away from you. And you have to facilitate that to allow them independence. You teach them how to feed themselves and clothe and how to cross the road and it keeps going. Moral and emotional learning too. My 16ds needs a lot of emotional input but hardly any practical now. My 6yr old by contrast still needs me for most things.
It’s a long process and it’s slow really although feels quick as you look back. I don’t see myself as second best but I know I’m not the centre of his world anymore and I’d be worried if I was.

To stay in their lives you need to be kind and caring towards the DIL before she has babies (and of course when she does too)

I agree with this

It seems to me that mothers of daughters often keep more in touch because their daughter keeps more in touch.

In which case I'd be asking why it's the case that the sons don't bother, to be honest.

@mightaswellfaceityoureaddictedtolove , I feel extremely sad when I read some of the questions and comments on here from DILs. They are so often very anti MILs. It appears to me that these poor women really don’t stand a chance and their DILs are very aware of their power. Doubtless there are many awful MILs but equally I think there may be some back stories that aren’t shared here. Mothers of daughters don’t seem to suffer anywhere near as frequently.
I didn’t ever have a MIL because my husband’s mum died just after he was 9. I had a step mother in law and a father in law and they were horrible. When I came to the point where I was going to be a MIL (I have two sons) I joined Mumsnet to ask for advice on how to be a good one and the overwhelming response was don’t interfere!
I have four grandchildren now and my husband and I have a wonderful relationship with both families.
In answer to your question, it did come as a bit of a shock to be shunted down the pecking order but I love my boys and I want them to be happy so I had to work hard to get used to my new normal. I think the thing I found the most difficult was not even hearing from them every day, they will respond if I message them but I thought I’d speak to them still even for a short chat and that doesn’t happen.
Enjoy your children now, treasure these times and make lovely memories, they are on loan to us but must fly off one day. When their special people come into their lives make them welcome, get to know them and find things to appreciate in them. Hopefully you like me will find ‘family time’ hasn’t ended but it has changed and that change can be a glorious, happy thing. X

My two sons are very young (under 2.5yrs), so being a MIL is 20-30 years off.

I think it is unimaginable now because they are so dependant on you. As you said you are both each others world same here.

With DS 1 I thought how on earth will I get through a day without him when he starts nursery. The first few days were very strange but he loves it and I like a bit of space. So that little step was made. The day I stopped breastfeeding him at 13 months I cried to lose that strong connection, but I found other ways to show him how much I love and care for him. I am guessing it will be 100s of big and small steps like this over the next 2 decades that will naturally separate us.

It would be impossible to imagine now them not being the main part of my day to day life but little degree, by little that is how it will go.

My MIL is lovely, we get on really well. She does have her opinions on some things with the boys that annoy me but mainly lets us to it. DH sees her daily (farming family) I bring the kids over 3 times a week usually.

Regardless of whether or not your child gets married, I think all parents need to accept that their children will eventually have their own lives and that the relationship should change to a kind of adult friendship. It all too often leads to strained parent-adult-child relationship when parents still act as though their children are minors, even when they don't live at in the parental home anymore.

You seem to be viewing this as if you’ll be your son’s number one priority until the day he marries.

You won’t. There’ll be teenage friends he places above you in the pecking order, football coaches he’ll listen to while slamming a door in your face, colleagues in work he’ll want to spend time with instead of going to your birthday party.

You won’t vilify the friends, coaches, or colleagues- please don’t vilify a DIL.

That's exactly what I was trying to say as well. I think often the dil gets the blame when really it's because the son doesn't bother. Ive seen it from my own mum a few times and had to point out its not my sils fault that my brother doesn't call.
In fact when he does call its often prompted by her.

I have a son and very much hope we'll have the kind of relationship and I'll raise him to remember to call, but also to know that his own wee family will absolutely be first priority. And I very much hope I'll be able to have a relationship to any future dil or sil like I have with my mil.