When / if you become a MIL do you accept that you will become second best?

[mightaswellfaceityoureaddictedtolove]

Just this really, just reading some of the MIL threads on here where MILs are expected to take a step back and the new partner / family goes steps that role. It must be really hard but I suppose that's just how things are but still must be tough to accept.

Mine are young at the moment and not really into the opposite sex and they're absolutely my world and we're very much each others priority but I do sometimes feel sad thinking that at some point we won't be in each others lives like we are now, although it's natural and I suppose would be weird if that carried on forever.

My DH was raised in an environment which was very much maintaining relationships with family was wife's work. He then married me who prefers to split the load more evenly so I manage the relationship with my side of the family and he his. The result is that his parents hardly ever see him. I did try in the early years to arrange opportunities for this but his parents were pretty hideous towards me (I was very much the subordinate, there to do as I was told, when I was told) and so now I don't want to spend time with them. I still encourage him to. The fact that he doesn't is a reflection of how he was raised and that's on them, although I have no doubt they blame me as somehow cutting them out.

From the many "MIL wants" and "MIL is insisting" posts on MN this seems to be quite common. I just don't get it. My son is a young adult, not yet working or married, and I already wouldn't dream of interfering with his plans or trying to get him to spend time with me when he wants to do something else. It's such a selfish attitude. We had them with us when they were children, we should let them fly free.

@PlayDadiFreyr That's a really good point. My MIL also had this expectation of how things would go (all her way). The first time I wasn't able to attend one of their family events (because I had to work) there was the most almighty kick off not just from her but from extended ILs as well. I'd ruined the entire day apparently because I couldn't make the effort to be there. To the point where six months later a Christmas card arrived with the photos from the event and a comment that "of course the day was ruined because not all of the family bothered to be there". The irony was a couple of them hadn't been able to come to our wedding because they had to work and we accepted that as any normal person would. So the kick off for their family event (which was a lunch after one of the cousins had graduated from university) was absolutely astonishing.

And again is what further pushed DH away from them, nothing to do with me expecting him to put them on a backburner.

I have no doubt that there are women out there who have completely unreasonable expectations of their DH in prioritising their own families over the ILs, but there are also a lot of ILs whose behaviour pushes the DH away.

I think it happens gradually as well - when they are little you are the centre of each others worlds then as they become teenagers they are more independent and then university even more so - it's a natural change and they still come home for birthday and Christmas etc but then they work and it becomes less frequent and then they marry and it changes again- it doesn't just change in one big change so you adapt and your life alters too - it won't be such a shock as you are imagining

What really makes me cringe is those posts about "equal grandparents" like people keeping close tabs on how much time the other grandparents spend with them or how much earlier the other grandparents met a new baby often when the difference is minimal. These people must have really empty and pointless lives to be so petty.

It’s quite irritating & ignorant of you to say “Only MN have these dramas” when clearly the people on MN are also people who have these problems in real life.

People just generally don’t admit things in real life whereas they can be open here because it is anonymous.

I prefer my MIL to my mum. We have a much closer relationship with DH’s family than with mine.

Which you are perpetuating with this thread.

Why do that?
Why not challenge what isn't true ?

I agree with all of this.

I expect my son to grow up and to respect and prioritise his spouse and children yes of course. But I don't see that as me falling "second best" surely it's just the next natural step in him maturing and growing up. My relationship with him won't be"less than" it will be different. And I really hope to see it that I'm gaining a d/sil rather than losing my child. I hope I can be supportive and encouraging and forge good relationships with both of them.

Of course a wife is going to be closer to her own mum than her MIL. Just like a son will be closer to his own mum than his MIL.

Problems generally arise because of the son's apathy around the whole thing, especially when children come along and the wife is doing most of the childcare and organising. She is likely to gravitate towards her own mother and then the MIL feels left out and becomes the second grandparent. It all depends on how the son handles things really and if the MIL is a bit of a nightmare then the wife will probably want little to do with her and the son goes along with it.

Yes me too.