When / if you become a MIL do you accept that you will become second best?

[mightaswellfaceityoureaddictedtolove]

Just this really, just reading some of the MIL threads on here where MILs are expected to take a step back and the new partner / family goes steps that role. It must be really hard but I suppose that's just how things are but still must be tough to accept.

Mine are young at the moment and not really into the opposite sex and they're absolutely my world and we're very much each others priority but I do sometimes feel sad thinking that at some point we won't be in each others lives like we are now, although it's natural and I suppose would be weird if that carried on forever.

I think the best thing you can do is to teach your sons as they get older is that they're responsible for themselves - that it isn't the work of a girlfriend of wife to keep up communication with you.

OP hasn't mentioned the sex of her kids?

do people not find, as much as its frowned upon here on MN that its generally always the women who do the organising and arranging and the contacting? do you think women have a bigger sense of family and community than men do?

do you expect to be the most important person in the life of your partner??

Yes! I know so many MILs who moan that their DILs don't treat them the same as their own mothers. Well if course they don't, they have a pre-existing relationship with their own mum. They just don't seem to grasp that it's actually the job of their own sons to make sure that they are included.

All these complains turn on the assumption that women do admin, house and child jobs. If women do all of these things, then it seems unfair when they prioritise their own family. If it's shared, then you can clearly see that it's not down to the DIL, but their own son.

My aunt is a nightmare for this. Always moaning that her DIL hasn't text to thank her for new clothes or toys she buys for the DC, or that DIL doesn't invite her to family parties. But why doesn't she assume that it's her son's job to thank her and invite her?? Turns out her own son does always thank her, but she wants DIL to as well. Another example is DP's family simply cannot grasp that I'm not the one who buys their birthday and Christmas presents.

I don’t think there should be positions in a family unit like this. The parent child relationship develops as they become independent but while I love and protect my husband and our life together, my family are still important and sometimes I do expect him to understand when their needs come before his wants. Just as sometimes his family’s needs come before my wants. I always thought that’s where the saying of you’re not losing a son but gaining a daughter came from.

Yes, only 1 Dil, 2sons, 1estranged of his own choice, high functioning Asperger’s.I don’t expect it not to be the way it is

No, I think they just get stuck with the ‘wifework’.

I'm not even third best tbh.

I am a DIL not a MIL but I have a great relationship with my MIL, probably a lot of things I would go to her first over mum (although I love my mum more). However my MIL is a more practical and provides more straightforward support and is wonderful with DC.

Edit: reading this back I mean realizing you will be less important than your DCs own partners/children, as opposed to less important than any DS partners family?

I think that my ideal would be to be like DH’s family. He and his brothers (no sisters) adore his parents (as do the DILs, they’re lovely people) and we see them loads. However, his DPs still seem to genuinely enjoy each others’ company after 42 years of marriage, so are having a fantastic retirement just traveling and doing fun stuff. They’re currently in Bali.

So they’re no longer their sons’ primary family, they’re very loved by lots of people and very much in love with each other. I think that’s basically winning at life. That’s what I’d like when I become a MIL.

I don't see it as a competition.
I don't 'rank' relationships and I don't expect other people to.
It isn't just me, I don't see it in wider family or in any of my friends I know well enough to talk to about this stuff.

I mean, I do agree with this
I just look at it that as a parent I'm preparing my children to function without me and be capable adults. So my son prioritising his family is what I'm hoping for as an extension of that.
but I don't see that makes me "second best". My ds obviously has a completely different relationship with my DiL than he does with his mother. In the same way dh has a completely different relationship with me than he does his mother. So I'm not "second best" as it is different.

In the same way I have different friends, none of whom is my "best" friend - I have several good friends that I see in different circumstances and do different things with.
I'm not competing with my DiL so why would either of us be '2nd best' ? It's just a really weird thing to expect.

Absolutely to an extent. When MIL was unwell before her death, DH upped sticks and became her carer for a couple of months (with my blessing obviously) it was quite logistical hard for me and DC but it was something that needed to be done and I would have felt disappointed in him had he not looked after her (if that makes sense). They were very close (although not in an overbearing way).

I do agree but reading some of these threads this is almost an expected dynamic (not always but pretty often).

It’s a completely different relationship. I understand my husband in a different way his mums does. Theres an intimacy that is different. My DD will always be the most important person in the world to me but I don’t always expect to come first to her. She may fall in love or have her own children and naturally my life will continue with my Dh (hopefully) whilst she builds herself a family in the same way I did. It’s natural.

What I don’t do is manage my Dh’s relationship on his behalf, he is welcome to call or see his mum as much as he likes. Often MIL’s seem to blame DIL’s for their sons not being arsed to make an effort.

I don't see it as becoming second best, just that my son will have different priorities in his life and his new family (probably including his MIL/FIL) will, and should, come higher up the priorities list.

Yes, I have brought my son up to put his wife and children first. I have DH who puts me first.
My DIL is amazing 👏

The whole point of raising children is to raise them to have happy, healthy, independent lives as grown ups. You're raising them for them, not for you (if that makes any sense at all).

Of course I expect my DCs to prioritise any partners and children they have when they're adults, just as I prioritise them and DH now. We're both still very close to both sets of parents though and all get on very well. I'd be delighted to have a similar relationship with my DDs and their families in 30 years time.

That “theory” is a load of bollocks.

Admittedly I don't have a MiL and I'm not one but the dynamic between you and your children changes long before this anyway it's not one big sudden drop from being the priority to being 'second best'

DD is 15 and her priority ATM is her friends, she's an only child and previously we did everything together and over the last few years with new independence things are changing. I booked this half term off to spend with her but she has already made plans with her friends for several days, happily nips down the High Street to Costa with them or alone when previously we would have gone together. This loosening of the apron strings is uncomfortable but you have to trust you brought them up to make good decisions.

Then of course comes learning to drive and working so you fall even further down the pecking order. Then moving away for uni etc.

Once they become family minded again I think you, probably with the rest of the family become more of a priority to spend time with not less. If you did your job well in the first place and have made an effort to build a relationship with the DiL/SiL.

i absolutely expect to have a different relationship with my boys once they’re married but then I have a fabulous relationship with my dh and lots of friends so I don’t rely on my kids for that. I hope I have raised them to be good partners - if so I’ll be happy 😊

I think relationships between people and their adult children work best when the parent is their own person with their own life rather than just being mum. Losing yourself in parenthood is all well and good when you have toddlers, it's not great when the kids are grown up.

People always make it a DIL/MIL thing but it's not. It completely hinges on the relationship between the adults and their parents. Really the issue is that families often have poorer relationships with their adult sons than their daughters IME.

I think my family is probably fairly typical in this regard. We are miles closer to my family than to DH's. This is because I am miles closer to my mum and siblings than DH is to his, and because I tend to organise our social calendar. They, as seems to be fairly usual, blame me for the perceived unfairness but don't look at the quality of their relationship with their son/brother for an explanation.

I do make an effort to involve his family in bigger life events and celebrations but I don't see it as my responsibility to manage my husband's day to day relationship with his family. I do make regular plans with mine to spend time together.

I will say, phone lines go both ways and as much as he is crap at keeping in touch with them, they aren't exactly blowing his phone up either.

I dunno. In real life most men I know are (healthily) close to their mums. But I don't think it's that unusual that the wife is closer to her mum - and then gets the blame when the husband doesn't make the effort with his own mum. It's not on the DIL though, it's on the son to maintain that relationship, and on his mum too to not be overbearing to the point it pushes him away. I don't think that's a terribly unusual dynamic although I agree it's not the norm.

@NotbloodyGivingupYet Not all DIL are nutters like that chick in that thread haha
But in seriousness I get on with my MIL which I am very fortunate as I don’t make her second best from my husband. She has GS and she is nice enough to look after him now and then and we are very grateful.