When / if you become a MIL do you accept that you will become second best?

[mightaswellfaceityoureaddictedtolove]

Just this really, just reading some of the MIL threads on here where MILs are expected to take a step back and the new partner / family goes steps that role. It must be really hard but I suppose that's just how things are but still must be tough to accept.

Mine are young at the moment and not really into the opposite sex and they're absolutely my world and we're very much each others priority but I do sometimes feel sad thinking that at some point we won't be in each others lives like we are now, although it's natural and I suppose would be weird if that carried on forever.

Having experienced ghastly mil syndrome first hand and the misery that it causes, I am determined that I won't damage my son's marriage or relationship with his life partner.

When he marries, his priorities will change. His wife will be the person he turns to first, the person he shares his troubles with and I don't want to get in the way of that.

I will continue to support him when asked but accept that our relationship will move to a different level. I don't expect it will be easy but it is essential if he is to be happy.

You really shouldn't expect to be the most important person in any of your children's lives forever. When they are in their teens and 20s they (hopefully) will have great friends they spend way more time with than you. If they choose to share their life completely with a partner, then of course that partner gets more of them than you ever do.

Framing it as being "second best" sounds rather self pitying and martyr-like.

I have a great relationship with my dil. Partly because she's a lovely person and partly because my ds is very family orientated and wouldn't cut us out easily.
Also when they became serious I told her that if I annoyed her then feel free to tell me to f off. 😆

In MIL did not do a good job in parenting my DH. Because she didn't protect him from her abusive husband, his step father.

But I still married him because he's still a good man. Despite of his experience of being parented not because of it.

Families are complicated.

This is a very childish way to look at a relationship with your child imo.

I know that my relationship will change. But it's not about being ranked.

Your child will never have another mum. So nourish that relationship.

If they get married you'd want them to be deeply in love and loved by that person.

Mother in laws who show generosity of spirit will feel happy for their child and have a better relationship.

I'd never rank my love for my children, i love them nothing equally. But we have a different relationship.
It will just be like that.

Second best? I have two sons (13 and 16) and I’ve never thought of myself as ‘first best’ tbh. What does that even mean?

I’ll always be their mum, whatever else happens in their lives. Don’t you want them to find a partner that they love and share their lives with? The idea that they would stay ‘mummy’s special boys’ forever makes me cringe tbh. I’m their mum, not their friend or partner and I’m not in competition with either.

"Second best" seems like a ridiculous and self-absorbed way of thinking about it. I want my son to have an amazingly rich and preoccupying relationship with his partner. I want them to walk off into all of life's adventures together. I wouldn't even begin to want the same things in my relationship with him that he would hopefully receive in his relationship with a partner. I just want to be his mum, which is something not remotely in competition with his other relationships.

So long as he is with someone who respects him and on balance makes him happy (and so long as he is striving to do the same for them), I will feel massively relieved to play a smaller part in his world. God, it is really hard being a mum to an adult child, the huge sense of engagement with their actual or imagined worries. I really want to be able to step back and be more myself, less caught on the hook of that anxious engagement.

Same for any parent when a child finds their life partner. It's not gendered. A woman shouldn't be putting her mother before her husband either.

The whole "second best" thing seems incredibly childish to me - like you're setting everything up as a competition from day one.

We lost MIL earlier in the year but DH saw her most days and we still see FIL most days as he lives round the corner. I speak to my mum daily and see her regularly - it's not a competition!

My three kids are grown up. I would be seriously worried if I was still the centre of their world.

I am particularly delighted that my son who has severe learning disabilities & cannot live independently has someone in his team he is as close to as me - probably closer to him than me tbh. It means I can die! He has close relationships with all the main members of his team. This is a huge positive.

I would not see my self as second best. There is no competition.

My sons are very young now. I hope to raise independent, kind men. I would love to see my grandchildren and lend a hand. Let them make their own mistakes. I would respect my daughter in law and the family they would hopefully make.

I would like some young children in my house, later on. Which is why I'm thinking about fostering later on in life. I know fostering is a full-time job and children would require lot of time and presence. That why I'm gonna wait till my own dc need me less.

Yeah who cares about their daughters or daughters in law, eh? Only the men matter.

Of course I's expect my DiL to be closer to her mum but I don't expect to be 2nd best to my DS and I'd be pretty annoyed if DiL tried to ruin our relationship. I didn't stop being his mum just because he got married.

It’s absolutely normal for a wife to be closer to her mum - I wouldn’t expect anything else. But I have female friends who make their MILs very uncomfortable and make it quite clear they come way down in the pecking order. Unnecessary and shitty behaviour. If everyone behaved like adults lots of these relationship issues would not be an issue.

Exactly, and then women who sadly feel gender disappointment and yearn for a daughter are pilloried. It's really not all about frilly dresses, make up and spa days together. It's the fear of future relationships that can be so unequal.

My MIL was the MIL from hell, honestly I read posts on here and think, you know nothing, you should have seen my MIL, honestly when she died we were the only people at her funeral. Me DH and our 3 children, even her other son and DIL or her sister turned up !

I was determined to be a good MIL and I do try hard. I have to say I love both of my DIL’S like daughters but that’s taken time, and yes I do have to bite my tongue. My youngest DIL has a hit and miss relationship with her mum, and she often comes to me with issues most girls would go to their mums about, I think that has helped our relationship. But and it’s a big but, I am second to their mums, and I do get frustrated with that, she’s crying on my shoulder because of some problems or other, then her mum takes her and the GC out and it’s posted on FB big happy family it’s frustrating but I tell myself I don’t need public clap on my back for being a mum and nanny.

as for my sons, we’re still close, but the first people in their lives are the wives and children. I love my boys and I love to see them happy.

my DD I’m not a MIL there yet, well she has a partner, and I’m determined to be a good mil if it comes to it, but if it’s with this partner long term, well I will have my work cut out !

A dynamic I've observed in family and friends is that a wife's parents often respect her and rely on her to some extent. A husband's parents often still think of him as a child, slightly incapable in managing a home and relationships.

I've seen it several times where this view of incapability and lack of respect is extended to the son's wife. This leads to overstepping and disrespectful behaviour, particularly when a child comes along. The treatment is completely alien and unacceptable to the DIL. The PILs get the hump as they're only trying to help (the incapable couple).

There is also still a pervasive misogyny that views a DH as his wife's 'boss' to some extent, particularly when on Mat Leave or working less for childcare. The DIL is 'lower' than the 'incapable' son.

I think there are very real structural and cultural factors that mean that many MILs (even kind ones) treat their DILs quite disrespectfully.

We are on the same spectrum as cultures where a DIL is seen as a servant to the son's family, we have just moved further towards the kinder respectful end. We are not fully there yet.

...and I do think there is some unkind behaviour from DILs towards MILs. I think it is a pushback (often uncalled for) to the dynamics mentioned above.

I think even if you haven't experienced bad treatment as a DIL, you can be hypervigilant to it, due to seeing it play out around you.

@Velvian this is interesting.

My own lovely MIL used to thank me for marrying her son and tell me how wonderful, beautiful, lovely & what a great Mum I was all the time.

When I went back to work after mat leave, she did always talk about how she loved looking after the kids for me. Which would prompt me to remind her that she was also looking after them for her son to be able to work too.

She has been the most loving grandmother and mother in law. That's not to say she hasn't driven us both mad at times. But everything has been said with love from her point of view.

She has dementia now and I miss her big, larger than life personality and fun loving character so much 💛

ds is not married but might as well be. we still have a good relationship. I accept that "dil" comes first as she should. also that she is close to her DM.
maybe I am lucky and "dil" is a dream.

I have actually found it easy to accept as our DS1's partner is a much better match for him as a partner than i ever was as a Mum!

So - undiagnosed but very certain that DS1 is autistic spectrum and I tend to lean towards the adhd. Ds1 grew up as one of 5 kids where i was working as a childminder so i was busy, busy, busy and the house was a whirl of energy and noise.

DS1 left home at 18. And moved 7 hours travel time away. He set up his own, quieter life. He met his current partner when he was 24.

He is now 28 and they have a one year old child together.

All his partner's family live near them. Hundreds of miles from me. I just saw them this weekend in fact when they drove to me for a family gathering but normally i only see them about 3 times/year.

DS has changed loads - all for the better. He is a proper man now. His partner is very calm and perfect for him. They have their own life and ideas totally different from what I think and I actually like that they're further away as I know I am a stressful person for ds to be around.

I think and talk very quickly and am always on the go. They are slow and calm but still get everything done fine. And my little granddaughter is a delight, so calm and smiley.

It doesn't bother me at all that they are much closer to my DS's partner's side of the family (there are sisters, cousins, her parents etc all close together where they live)

I know if they were closer to me, i'd have put my foot in it by now as the granddaughter is still co-sleeping, drinking far too much formula milk from bottles at over a year old and still being treated like a much younger baby.

As i only see her now and again, i have not said a single wrong word. Of course she is their baby and it's nothing to do with me how they raise her - she will grow up as they all do. But i think i'd find it so much harder to button my lip if i saw her every day!

She's lovely - i already know i wasn't the most compatible character as a mum for ds so i'm glad i'm at a distance and can have no influence on the gd!!

It's actually lovely to see ds with a family of his own and thriving!

There is no 'best' of course if DC get married their priority will be their new husband/wife.

I hope that I will be able to build good relationships with their partners and consequently their family units. An adult to adult relationship where there is honesty and mutual respect. However what I won't expect, and actually will be so disappointed if this happens, is that my DIL is the one that picks up all the 'wife work' of organising, keeping in contact, buying gifts etc. I hope my children find strong, independent partners. If my son doesn't keep in contact it will be him I will be asking why.

I love your post, @Edithcantaloupe , especially "It means that I can die," which beautifully sums up the whole lovely project of seeing your children move on and away (though I hope it also means that you have more space, before you die, to flourish in your own self with fewer anxieties about your son).

So lovely to read about the strong relationships your son has with his care team.

Yes this is how I feel. Of course I can't be a mother to a woman I met in adulthood, she already has her own mother. But that doesn't lessen my relationship with my son. I don't mind how he sets up his personal life, it's entirely up to him but my only hope is that he doesn't move far away.

I agree there is a very odd dynamic on mn particularly.