When / if you become a MIL do you accept that you will become second best?

[mightaswellfaceityoureaddictedtolove]

Just this really, just reading some of the MIL threads on here where MILs are expected to take a step back and the new partner / family goes steps that role. It must be really hard but I suppose that's just how things are but still must be tough to accept.

Mine are young at the moment and not really into the opposite sex and they're absolutely my world and we're very much each others priority but I do sometimes feel sad thinking that at some point we won't be in each others lives like we are now, although it's natural and I suppose would be weird if that carried on forever.

When I met my MIL,, I think she did feel a bit threatened by me looking back and our relationship was a bit rocky to start with but we ended up being really close, we just gave each other the space and consideration we both needed (looking back I was definitely not always great with her). Our relationship really improved when I had DD, which is not always the case I know. She was an incredible woman, so generous of spirit. We all miss her very much.

I think there’s a problem in framing it in terms of being second best ( because I don’t picture myself as being second best to anyone) but rather that the dynamic changes as well as priorities.
I have two MIL’s and so have been a DIL twice . I am in regular contact with both MIL’s even though there is a big geographic distance between us.
I also have a DIL who I am close to. I am lucky that we get on well - although I don’t take that for granted or think that it happened by accident.

i don’t expect my son to prioritise me when he has a family but I hope he allows me to prioritise them (and him). I hope I get to babysit and buy presents, take my dil out for shopping lunches and take them all on holiday. I hope I’m in a position to do all of the above too. I would love to be as involved as DH and I wish our mothers had been in our family life. There’s so much bitchy aggressive shit on the internet. I hope real people aren’t thinking in that way.

Yes, in hindsight wasn't the best phrase but I was struggling to think of another one and this sort of got the point across ;)

Nope. I will always be his best mum. He will go on and hopefully have a fab life with an amazing partner who will be his best wife, and raise some wonderful children who will all be his best children.

He might do this 1000s of miles from where I live and only visit every 5th year. But I will still be mum. I'm not sure I need to be first to feel loved. It's different relationships and not a competition.

My mum is not first day to dat but she is welcome and loved as is my partners mum.

Do you mean second best in terms of your son's wife/partner ? That seems reasonable and especially if there are children - they should always come first.

Are we also talking about being a MIL when a daughter gets married?

I think it's probably harder here where you have a son as many in families there seems to be closer relationship with the wife/female partner's mum, and where grandchildren have a closer relationship with maternal family. I have one son so I hope that won't be the case for us.

We have 6 sons between the two of us.

The easiest relationship as a MiL is with my gay son’s partner. Equality, no pitting anyone against anyone, no rules, both sides of the family treat equally, no bitching!

Sad that strained relationships are caused by women to other wornen

I love my mil but we have a different relationship to my mum, and she has a different relationship with her son my husband than me, this is normal

I can't possibly imagine any 2 people having the same relationship as the next

I completely agree!
I don't think we should be thinking of this as our adult children giving us lower priority when they get married. By then they're independent adults and the dynamic should already have changed. We don't own our children, and our job as parents is to prepare them for independent life. We have no claim on them. We should nurture a good relationship so that they want to see us and make us part of their lives, but that isn't our right.
Men shouldn't be prioritising their mums over their wives and children - look at the horrible situations posted on MN when husbands are mummy's boys! I wouldn't expect my son to take me on his family holidays, or leave his wife struggling with babies and children while he takes me for days out.
Some mums do have a tendency to see their adult sons and daughters as children, and that isn't healthy, neither is feeling that your DIL has taken your son away from you.

When you have a son who becomes a father it is just fundamentally different to your daughter becoming a mother.
I get on fine with my mil, always have, but we’re not close. My husband doesn’t have a very close relationship with her either so how could I be? They get along fine but he left home young and never really discussed anything personal with her. Their relationship is what it is, but he’s happy to include her in our dd’s life and I’m more than happy to facilitate and encourage that. My relationship with my own mother is very complicated. My childhood was awful and at times I’ve been more like a parent to her than the other way round, but in a lot of ways we are very open with each other, we can talk about things, emotional stuff plus I didn’t mind sitting there chatting to her when I had both boobs out learning to breastfeed 😅 of course it’s different with my mil, even her own daughters aren’t like that with her. My mil is part of my life, part of my family but let’s face it, would she want me helping her in and out of the bath if she couldn’t manage like my mum did for her mum? Would she want me to be the one holding her hand when she’s dying? Of course not, she’d want her own. And I similarly preferred my own mother in certain circumstances and naturally she was included a lot more in a more intimate way. Of course it’s natural for grandmothers to want to be close to their grandchildren, but it will depend on what your relationship is like with your own children and as I say, it will almost always be very different if your son is the dad/ daughter is the mum.

Yes!! I'm fully raising my kids to be self reliant and functioning adults. I would be really sad if I'm still the main focus in their world as proper adults Id feel like I had failed

I think there's a lot of hypocrisy around if the mil has the son, an example I've seen on here a few times being.

This is okay..
I don't want my mil visiting me once I've had a baby.

Yet if a man were to say.. I don't want my mil visiting with my newborn baby then that's not okay.

You see it all the time, I don't want mil coming for Christmas but I do want my own mum. I really hope I've brought my son up to want me involved in my future grandchildren's life's.

As a DIL with a good relationship with my MIL, I think the key driver of any unhappiness on that side comes down to expectations.

She has always had these dreams of how things will be and look, and they usually don't take the other people into account much. Her ideal world would be that her sons live on her road with her best friends and we all went on holiday together and all holiday occasions were celebrated together.

(It's worth saying that my husband cautioned me that this was the case and didn't want to live near her as he didn't want this - they actually barely saw FIL's side of the family, and all FIL's landmark occasions revolved around her family).

On the other hand my parents are welcoming, but place no expectation on how we visit, and have lives of their own.

I can see MIL is a bit disappointed every time something doesn't fit with her vision.

When we leave at 6pm on a Sunday because we want to get ready for work, instead of staying til bedtime.

When we plan a get together with our friends for bonfire night rather than with her.

When we choose to pick up from nursery rather than having her pick up.

When I refused her offer to drive me to the hospital when I was in labour (I live 10m from the hospital - she's an hour away from us!).

Whenever anything isn't how she imagined it, she's just a little bit sad.

She'd be so much happier if she stopped visualising exactly how things would go (and we'd not feel like we were constantly batting back sometimes insane logistical suggestions).

The issue is new mums are very vulnerable and often want the support of thier own mum and at the point they have given birth and are establishing themselves as a mum they do have to 'come first' but this isn't a permanent state of being. I mean, to quote pp, I haven't had my boobs out for 14 years. I think its probably ok for MIL to come round now and it was always ok for DH to call her for support he needed and to show off his new pride and joy.

Agree, surely the equivalent is a man not wanting his in laws over just after he's had abdominal surgery and isn't up to getting dressed?

Being second best? That's a very peculiar point of view. I adore our DDs but would never expect to automatically come first with them once they are settled in a relationship. I come first with DH though, and am busy with my own life and friends, which is how it should be.

My Mum spent 20 years vying with DH for my attention and it ruined what had previously been a good Mother/Daughter dynamic.

The tighter you try to grasp hold, the easier it slips through your fingers.

Exactly @Nohugspleaseandthankyou - if your son doesn't call or visit or send you flowers on your birthday, that's a "shit son" issue not a DIL issue.

I considered it any of my business whether DH saw his mum once a day or once a year, just like how often I choose to see my mum is nothing to do with him.

I personally find it very odd how enmeshed lots of families seem to be, and how so many women seem to think it's their job to make sure their husband writes birthday cards or picks up the phone!

Yeah always going to come after the dil mum .Best way is not fight against it and I try to remember that it's not intended.

Hi OP, do you mean 2nd best to his wife, or to the wife's mom?

Good point, I suppose in some instances in might feel like both.

I think it is reasonable in any relationship to expect the child to maintain contact with their own parent more than with their in law. The problems seem to arise when the MIL of a woman expects to communicate with her rather than with her own son because when married she expects the woman to pick up the mental load. My MIL expected me to provide her with updates about our family. I constantly have to redirect her back to her own child as I have no desire to pick up that job.

Agree with the mental load. My MIL was telling me that SIL was complaining about not getting a thank you card from us and I was so sleep deprived I just said, oh I guess DH couldn't be bothered. It felt quite liberating.

My MIL does try to communicate with DH. Problem is he's such a massive people-pleaser that he can't just say "no that doesn't work" etc, or to ask her to do particular things for our son that he ends up massively under communicating.

I think he thinks it's "demanding" to tell her about his routine for example (nothing onerous - just lunch at 11.30, nap at 12 etc). Whereas in fact it's pretty rough to hand over your baby with no pointers about what they like and expect them to just deal!

Well yes, of course your child will prioritise their partner and nuclear family over their mother. Why on earth would they not? Obviously you would hope you've raised a kind, helpful child who will be there if you need them, but day to day their focus should be their partner.

Surely the entire point of raising children is to have them grow up, become responsible young people, and fly the nest to live their own independent life. Hopefully I'll like my son's partners in life, but if I don't I'll just maintain a professional distance. Goodness knows my mum didn't like some of my ex-boyfriends 😂(for good reason!) but she was always polite.

My MIL is great, I like her very much and we get on well. My partner is responsible for his relationship with her - he buys her cards and presents, not me. When she was widowed he prioritised her for a while, until she was back on her feet. I'm sure he'll understand when I do the same for my parents when the time comes.

How would you feel if your husband put someone above you?