Have you explicitly told your child it’s ok if they are gay/have a partner of the same sex?

[Lollaup]

As a gay woman, who had a great upbringing and a lovely family I still really struggled with knowing if my parents would be ok with me being gay. I so wish they had said explicitly things like you can have a girlfriend for girlfriend, we won’t mind or somehow conveyed that message to me.
my best friend is also a lesbian and she said exactly the same.
so please don’t assume that your kids will just ‘know’ it is ok because you love them and have a close relationship

Yep. Absolutely.
And that girls and boys can like/do/wear anything and it's fine and has no bearing on them being boys or girls.
And that stereotypes are a rubbish way of looking at the world.

I went so far down this road that my son when he was about 14 sat me down very solemly to say 'Mom, I something to tell you, I'm not gay'. He was teasing me for being too much the cool parent who as he saw it, would have only been delighted to have had a gay son.

I see your point OP but being gay has become more popular in teenagers so I’d be concerned that she could just possibly be following a fad because, well men are a bit shit really.

I suppose the question is, how can you be sure you’re gay? Then again you don’t have to be.

It’s a good time now to be a gay young person but being a teenager is now even more confusing.

No but now you've brought this to my attention I'll try to casually drop it in at some point, thank you.

I was taken aback when DD (19) told me that one of her uni friends is out at university but still hiding her sexuality from her parents and friends at home. Apparently she even dresses differently there.

Living in a diverse city, neither DD nor I realized how difficult it still is for some people. 🙁

We did always tell our DC that we are fine with anyone they choose to love so long as the person genuinely loves them back, and love doesn’t even have to be sexual to be love.

I am bisexual and both sides of the family have bisexual, homosexual, asexual, heterosexual. Pretty much a rainbow. 🌈 I think DH and I were first generation to make this clear and accepted though.

And as it turned out, we have DC who are not heterosexual.

Yes and pretty much first time partnership and marriage was mentioned. This is important for me as their father is homophobic (framed by religion) so I want them to know that I will be here and love them whoever they choose to be with. Luckily it isn't down just to what I say as majority of my male friends are gay and my best friend is in a same sex (female) relationship so plenty of modelling for them to witness.

Since my son was at primary I've tried not to presume anything about his preferences so like others have said I've always talked about 'if you get a boyfriend or girlfriend', or 'have you got a crush on anyone'.

He's spoken about male friends of his that like boys and when I've said, who do you like, he just says 'I'm not gay mum'. I've given him plenty of chances to tell me if he was 😆

Yes-as soon as we were talking about relationships at all.

It's a fair point - but you can't go around cultivating friendships with same-sex couples just to provide the desired range of role models for your kids! Or, you could but it would be horribly creepy of you. "Come to our family barbecue! We're building an inclusive social environment and are missing a pair of token lesbians. If you have any black Jewish friends, do bring them along too!"
🤮

Lots of people seem to be saying things like when they're older, specifying ages. Why not from the very beginning?

Yes, but not in a 'it would be okay if you are...' kind of way. It's just always been present as an equal option/possibilty in their futures, from a very young age. They have friends with same sex parents, friends who are in same sex relationships and so on.

I was a teenager in the late 1960s and it wasn't much of an issue amongst my female friends, but amongst the boys it was derided and concealed. Any boy who was apparently gay (it was never said out loud) was shunned by the blokes. I suppose it was a tribal thing like people are today if someone doesn't quite fit the 'norm'.

We did from the start. There are children’s books that illustrate relationships that are not hetero. For example, Frog and Toad are essentially a gay couple.

LOL, isn't frog and toad beastiality? Cf a human and a chimp? Nb. Never read it...

My DS also had to break the hard news that he was not the gay son I’d always wanted… I told him that it was ok, I’d suspected for a while he was straight but still had hope he’d meet a nice boy. He’s got quite a few gay friends though so that’s nice.

Yes and both talk about possibly marrying girls or boys, something I could have never said growing up so I'm glad they have this freedom now:)

Absolutely! I've always encouraged my kids from a young age to understand that it's normal in our household to talk about "boyfriends or girlfriends" as well as "husbands or wives." We have friends who are gay, and my kids also have teachers who are openly gay. I'm glad we've normalized all types of relationships, allowing my children to interact freely with everyone without hesitation.

@Gruttenberg "our generation were brought up with an explosion of gay and gender non conforming people who were accepted. The 70s and 80s were a good time to be young where I lived."

Up to a point, Lord Copper! As you say, it depended very much on where you lived and the people you mixed with. And all bets were off the minute the "Gay Plague" headlines started flying around.

Exactly. And it's also important to realise that about 90% of people are heterosexual, so it is perfectly normal not to have any gay friends or family at all and that's fine too.

No but my DC have gay godparents and a lesbian aunt so I think they grew up confident that our family would be happy for them whatever their sexuality. One of them was a ring bearer at a civil partnership when they were a toddler.

nosmartphone, what's so terrible about a gay penguins? I agree that a big lesson about different families or couples is not ideal- it makes it seem like it's a big difference. Far better to just use good picture bks where the parents happen to be same sex, that would be a good way of showing it's normal from the beginning.
I get that the coverage can seem like overkill now gay/bi people are widely accepted here, but it's easy for people to forget that's been fairly recent. The majority of music, film, etc has has v little quality & mainstream lesbian content until recently, so naturally there's a rash now & it feels too much bc it's a big catch-up. Many people here are still discriminated against & the lack of butch role models & a lesbian scene drives the TRA homophobia. So there's still a need to fight homophobia. Plus a lot of this content comes from US, where there's much more prejudice.
When you say 'do what you like as an adult', it sounds like you think being gay is only an appropriate thing for adults. But teens can know they're gay & date & may well have had crushes as preteen, & that's just as ok as it is for straight teens. Obvs they shouldn't be encouraged to label themselves as anything at that age.

I had a friend who used to come to my house to watch Starsky and Hutch because her parents banned it. Too much touching!

Yes, we’ve always said ‘girlfriend or boyfriend’ ever since they were able to talk. e.g ‘when you’re older and you have a girlfriend, or boyfriend…’ Also, we reminded them frequently that girls can marry boys or girls & vice versa. I made sure I included my DH in these conversations too.

I had a moment of realisation when I noticed that so many of our books, play sets etc had a mum, dad, brother & sister (this was going back almost 20 years ago now) that I bought a variety of playmobile figures to make more diverse families & also kids’ books with same sex parents.

Yes, we have always made a point to let them know it’s fine. We always say they can have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they’re older, or that some people like girls, some like boys and some like both and all of it is fine.
I have gay family members and I’m bi myself so I always wanted them to know it’s fine and not feel like it’s going to be a shock to us if they come out. I’d like them to just be able to say ‘oh, this is my bf/gf’ and not have to make a big deal about coming out.