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Original poster

Daughters wedding

280 replies

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:02

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

OP posts:
CrowleyKitten · 22/10/2024 21:35

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 15:27

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Some very strong ones indeed. I have read them all. SIl is future son in law. Not going to lie. It does appears I am still living in the 80's and 90's and am a tad out of touch. Both myself and my husband are traditional and although not to everyone's taste I don't think there is anything wrong with that. My husband really wants to walk his daughter gown the isle when she marries. My daughter wants a church service and initially was looking at smaller venues pretty local to where majority of families are based. However the groom has specified he wants majority of day guests to spend the night together so tp speak eating pizzas. This was something on the lines of a big house with kitchen etc with enough bedrooms for the said guests. Everyone to mingle in the house the night before the wedding and for the same kind of thing on the morning after the wedding. My daughter says she is unable to find anything local that fits the above and therefor was looking at places around 1 1/2 hrs away. However not sure how this would incorporate a church service. She also specified she didn't want it like her friends weddings however it sounds as if it is just the same. All I wanted to put across to her is that foe night guests I thought such a journey was too far. They may not be able to afford to stay over which could mean some don't come. I also thought that around 200.00 per couple per night does seem rather a lot and again not everyone may appreciate this extra money to pay out. We also have animals and would need to find alternative arrangements for them. Other people may also have this situation or perhaps alhave child care issues. I genuinely thought that by having a meal whether it be pizza or steak as a large group the night before would be a good alternative.i have stressed to my daughter that it's her day and she has to choose however to be aware that not everyone may go along with their choices. By no means do I want to be controlling and I always tell me daughter regardless of whatever she chooses. Ie wedding , wallpaper lol. She is an adult she makes her own choices but u might not always agree. That doesn't mean either one of us right or wrong just different opinions.

you can still walk down the aisle in a non church venue. my legal ceremony venue has the longest aisle in Cornwall. and beautiful it is too, especially all lit up with candles.

Coconutter24 · 22/10/2024 21:44

“My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions”

It’s their wedding they don’t have to like your suggestions.

mumTTCno2 · 22/10/2024 22:00

YABU

this is your daughters day. suck it up.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
TheMauveBeaker · 22/10/2024 22:15

You don’t really need to worry about whether other guests can afford to stay at the hotel, they can decide themselves. You just need to worry about what you can afford and what you’d like to do - either stay at the hotel and enjoy the whole thing, or just go to the wedding etc then drive home. If you don’t want to stay in a house with other people, just say you’d rather have a hotel room on your own in case you get tired and need some quiet.

Mere1 · 22/10/2024 22:31

The situation you describe at the outset is exactly what both of our daughters did. It’s their wedding, we enjoyed occasion. Go with their plans. They won’t change them. X

restingbitchface30 · 22/10/2024 22:35

It’s not your wedding ffs! Back off and be happy for your daughter and her plans. You sound unbearable

Ponderingwindow · 22/10/2024 23:03

RampantIvy · 21/10/2024 22:36

I have read a number of threads from posters who have been invited as guests to this type of wedding and who are baulking at the cost of a two night stay.

The usual response is "it's an invitation not a summons" and posters calling the bride a bridezilla, yet everyone is team bride here.

Dies anyone else see the irony?

The bride can both be a bridezilla and the mother can need to stay quiet.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/10/2024 23:24

I wonder if the daughter is considering inviting her mother along to look at wedding dresses ?

WhatNoRaisins · 23/10/2024 07:00

I get why weddings tend to be longer now that more people have to travel for them. If you have to stay overnight you might as well make a mini break of it. It's also a great chance to catch up with people who you don't see often.

It sounds like the couple here have decided that a wedding like that is what they want even though most of their guests are local. I can see why it would feel like unnecessary expense for the guests.

lemming40 · 23/10/2024 09:11

It's your daughter's wedding and not yours. It's her choice what she does. If you don't agree with her choice then don't go.

Julimia · 23/10/2024 13:50

Yes you are being miserable. Why?
Reminder it is your daughters wedding not yours ! Sounds like you will have time tobsave up a bit too. You surely can be sociable,friendly and pleasant with other guests who are all there for the same reason as you.

YourWinter · 23/10/2024 14:18

My DD and fiancé have decided their wedding will be on a Greek island, I hate flying and I hate hot weather, I’d take a Manor House an hour away!

CrowleyKitten · 23/10/2024 15:31

and on the plus side, if you're staying there, if you get a bit too peopled out, you have a room you can go back to to decompress for a bit

Ginburee · 23/10/2024 17:48

Tread carefully op as this can ruin your relationship with your daughter.

ThomasPatrickKeatingsDegas · 23/10/2024 18:57

Ponderingwindow · 22/10/2024 23:03

The bride can both be a bridezilla and the mother can need to stay quiet.

Show quote history

I think if the bride was having it abroad in a country neither side were from, then yes. But it’s just 1.5 hours away. If the parents don’t want to attend unless it’s exactly how they’d like it just don’t go! It would be worse for mother to be there with a sour puss on her all day/night

Cordychase · 23/10/2024 20:47

This is your daughter's day, not your day, you need to grow up, find your big girl pants and make sure she knows it is her day.

Twointhehand1 · 23/10/2024 20:53

Runninglateagaintoday · 21/10/2024 01:20

I agree it’s a bit far to travel and expensive especially for those just invited to the evening. Times have changed and staying over at a hotel following a wedding is very usual now, but just for an evening invitation it might be a bit much.

It’s really not too far to travel. Especially with notice. The format being suggested is literally the majority of weddings I’ve been to over the years. In my experience, the number of guests usually outnumber rooms and other nearby hotels are suggested and cater for various budgets. A wedding is an invitiation and not a summons. People can decline if they don’t want to come.

Wexone · 23/10/2024 20:55

is that you mother ? my own mother was the reason that myslef and my own husband arranged everything and had it booked and deposits done before we told anyone including parents the date and venue. and it was in a old Manor house civil ceremony and all. my father did walk me down the ailse all be it was in a big room. my mother didn't see my dress till the day of the wedding. we were last in both families to get married aswell as last of our friends we had seen what rows weddings caused and also didn't want your typical church and large hotel reception. not your day bite your tongue and be happy with the wedding

Janus · 23/10/2024 20:57

If you’re traditional are you, as parents of the bridge, paying for all this? If not then to pay £200 per night for 2 nights is pretty cheap! This is your daughter’s wedding not yours, she will be choosing what makes her day special. I suggest you smile and agree to it all!

ALJT · 23/10/2024 20:57

Sorry but yes you are. It’s their wedding so where you would ‘ideally’ like it, isn’t your call. If she wants all the family together both sides then why not for your daughter? 2 families are uniting.
try and think how you’d feel if she totally discarded you from the full wedding

Xmasdaft2023 · 23/10/2024 20:58

You have to leave it up to them. It’s their day! Whatever they decide will be wonderful and you’ll fully engage in it as mother of the bride, whether that’s a church or hotel or a gazebo.. ultimately it’ll be amazing wherever it is. Modern day is very much as you’re describing in your posts.

those that want to be there will be, regardless of cost/miles etc 😊

Xmasdaft2023 · 23/10/2024 20:59

oh and the breakfast the morning after.. we did that 20yrs ago and my nephew who married 2yrs ago did the same

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 23/10/2024 21:04

Sorry OP.

It's NOT your wedding.

If you want to be a liked mother in law, back off.

Spirallingdownwards · 23/10/2024 21:16

ElatedSnail · 22/10/2024 12:31

It does appear its the done thing. 95% of their guest list live within easily half hr drive of everyone so it is confusing to me why they want to travel quite a distance and also she wants a church wedding. They have their own rules if you are not part of that particular community , it's not like you can get married at any church

Seriously stop sucking the joy out of your daughter's wedding. Let's hope she is not on mumsnet and seeing this.

An hour and a half isn't that far even for a day wedding. If people choose not to go that's on them. But don't start making up other people's possible excuses just because you don't like their choice. I think you need to stop with your moaning about it now before you irreparably damage your relationship with future SIL and your daughter.

Sounds like a great wedding to me. Focus on getting your dress and hat sorted and don't be a Momzilla!

Botanybaby · 23/10/2024 21:24

Give over

It's your daughter's wedding when you said you were traditional I thought you were going to say you want to pay for it

Not moan at her preference

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