Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Daughters wedding

280 replies

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:02

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 21/10/2024 17:56

She's your daughter and fingers crossed will only be doing this once. Times have changed, weddings have changed and you need to just go along with her plans and not make suggestions. If other people don't want to come then she will have to deal with it.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/10/2024 17:57

Given that most people don't have a lot of weddings many couples in this situation can be rather clueless about them or unrealistic about how important their big day is to the guests. I also think some venues don't advise well either. Heck there's a whole industry encouraging high expectations.

There's clearly better and worse ways to go about it but I don't think it's inherently unreasonable for close family and friends to offer advice if they think the bride and groom aren't making good decisions. They know at least some of their guestlist and what they will be prepared to do.

sprigatito · 21/10/2024 18:04

"As her mum", your role is to support her in having the wedding she and her partner want, be pleasant and appreciative, and wish them well in their lives together. She is a grown woman now and will make her own traditions and memories. Yours are important to you, not her.

This is a great opportunity for you to get into the habit of keeping your criticism to yourself and relating to your daughter as an independent adult. This skillset will come in very handy later on, and may help to prevent you ending up baffled as to why you are being frozen out.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
GreyBlackLove · 21/10/2024 18:43

What your daughter and her fiancé are planning sounds fairly standard. A fair few of my friends have had similar. They were pretty great weekends.

I think if you're contributing to the wedding it would be fair to expect your room to be paid for. If you know a certain family cannot go because of cost or travel difficulties I think that's fair to call out as well, once.

What comes across in your OP though is that you don't feel comfortable because this isn't what you would do - the church, the overnight, when you'd be away on honeymoon. It sounds more like judgement wrapped up in faux concern about other guests. You've said your piece, I'd leave them to it now.

jolies1 · 21/10/2024 18:45

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 17:53

Although it is their decision at the end of the day I sometimes think they unaware of how it may put certain guests off and although I don't think they should pander to their guests as such it obviously may have an impact if a large number especially at the evening o don't turn up. As her mum I feel it is up to me to point out potential issues. What if it's something they haven't thought on and it spoils their wedding. I am encouraging her to make her own choices but as her mum want to point out other alternatives.

All you need to say is “the venue looks really nice, love. Uncle Jimmy etc might not make it if they are only invited to the night do as it will be a bit much for them to travel.”

Without being horrible I’m sure daughter and her partner will have made sure the people they really want to be there will make it - their friends will be at the stage they will be attending lots of weddings and used to paying for hotels and travelling.

Evening guests tend to be people you’re not as close to, or parents friends etc and so if they choose not to attend it’s not normally a real problem. Most weddings I have been to that involved a bit of travel only had all-day guests anyway.

PrincessofWells · 21/10/2024 18:47

I was dreading the breakfast the day after, but it was lovely to see the various hangovers and talk to everyone.

It's your daughter so support her in what she wants and don't make the mistake of thinking you have any say. Those days are gone!

2chocolateoranges · 21/10/2024 18:49

I hate that people are having weddings so far away from home, the last 3 family weddings we’ve been at have been well over an hours travel, we stayed over at one and have travelled home from the other two.

however if it were my son or daughters wedding then I’d suck it up and go along with it all. I’ve had my wedding and had it how dh and I wanted therefore it’s not my wedding to help plan.

buttonsB4 · 21/10/2024 18:50

Yes, in answer to your original question, you do sound like a miserable killjoy, sucking the life out of what should be a happy occasion.

People like you are the reason couples elope 🙄.

IT IS NOT YOUR DAY.

Let the Bride & Groom choose however they want to celebrate and you just have to turn up in a nice frock with a smile on your face and be happy for them both; seriously, that's your only job.

2chocolateoranges · 21/10/2024 18:51

Park24 · 21/10/2024 17:33

An hour and twenty minutes away is nothing I'd consider that local. Unless you have severe financial restraints which given you're gifting them some money o don't think you do, then just pay for the hotel rooms and bloody join in! Nothing you've said sounds like a hardship at all!

An hour and twenty minutes , local? 😂😂😂😂

my sister in law lives an hour away from us and by the time we have got to hers we have crossed 6 different council areas! That’s not local.

TMMC · 21/10/2024 19:03

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:02

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

It’s an occasion to celebrate with friends and family, all gathering before and after is much more personal and friendly and memorable than just the main “do”. For a small wedding I think her plan sound perfect, and her choice, for her day.

Im slightly baffled that you find it odd, if you don’t want to stay or celebrate then don’t.

ABirdsEyeView · 21/10/2024 19:06

The reason people point out potential problems to their kids, is because we don't want them to be disappointed if their guests can't all attend. Or be landed with a big bill, because all the rooms weren't booked by guests. Not everyone would figure it out without a heads up from mum and dad.

I think most people, if shelling out £200 per night will want their own en suite tbh and not just enough bathrooms for guests.

burnoutbabe · 21/10/2024 19:09

It also won't be £200. You'd have to pay for 2 nights as you can't have Jim and be a in the room night 1 then rose and steve night 2. No one is changing bedding!

So you need to pay both nights to get your room, whether you need first night or not.

Arraminta · 21/10/2024 19:10

Oh dear. You have managed to drop a great, big doom bomb smack in the centre of what should be a really exciting, happy time. I strongly suspect you have form for this OP, don't you?

All you have done is trot out a list of negatives and emphasising overly dour responsibilities. You're clearly begrudge having to paint on a smile and socialise a bit, and you clearly begrudge paying to stay in a hotel. I suspect you're uncomfortable doing anything you consider 'a bit fancy', yes?

You are going to have to work your socks off to repair this. From now on your only response to any of your daughter's decisions is 'That sounds absolutely lovely, darling. What a good idea.'

Completelyjo · 21/10/2024 20:07

Some people are really missing that the number of people staying is around 30! They aren’t expecting distant friends or relatives to come and stay.
By the time you consider most of the people are in couples 30 guests is really only immediate family and a small handful of close friends.

I can’t believe one of OPs reasons for not wanting to do is having pets. Imagine how that sounds to the daughter!

BruFord · 21/10/2024 20:11

I can’t believe one of OPs reasons for not wanting to do is having pets. Imagine how that sounds to the daughter!

@Completelyjo I'm probably wrong, but as the OP described them as "animals", I assumed that she meant that they have a smallholding or farm, rather than pets. Not that this should prevent them from going, they'll pay someone to take care of them.

Mind you, we have a family member who won't go anywhere because of her two dogs!

Velvian · 21/10/2024 20:14

This all sounds very normal for a wedding. Don't worry about it, just try to enjoy it.

Booking kennels/cattery for pets is to be expected, weddings always seems to be 2 night affairs now.

As the bride's parents, I think you need to accept paying for your room and the various costs of attending a wedding. Don't worry about what others will do, it is not your responsibility. Try to do what the couple would like, even though it is uncomfortable.

LoveTheRainAndSun · 21/10/2024 22:17

sprigatito · 21/10/2024 18:04

"As her mum", your role is to support her in having the wedding she and her partner want, be pleasant and appreciative, and wish them well in their lives together. She is a grown woman now and will make her own traditions and memories. Yours are important to you, not her.

This is a great opportunity for you to get into the habit of keeping your criticism to yourself and relating to your daughter as an independent adult. This skillset will come in very handy later on, and may help to prevent you ending up baffled as to why you are being frozen out.

Sometimes being supportive means pointing out things they may not have thought of, to help them avoid pitfalls that might disappoint them. It doesn't mean telling them what to do, just 'have you thought of what happens if ...'.

My DD wanted to have her wedding reception at my home. I was quite happy with that, we have a big outdoor area that would be suitable and would fit people. However, I went back to her a week later and told her that with more thought, if the weather didn't support people being outside, the house wouldn't be suitable and pointed out the issues she would face cramming all the people into a too small house. I thought it was risky to rely on the outdoors being available. Then left her to decide.

If my DD decided to have a child free or distance wedding, it would be fair to support her while reminding her that her choice might mean some people won't come. Hopefully that helps her avoid disappointment.

BruFord · 21/10/2024 22:31

Sometimes being supportive means pointing out things they may not have thought of, to help them avoid pitfalls that might disappoint them. It doesn't mean telling them what to do, just 'have you thought of what happens if ...'.

@LoveTheRainAndSun That’s how our family views it, but not all families do. I found that when I joined DH’s family, no one ever says anything, which has led to ppl walking into not-so-good situations sometimes. But that’s their way of handling family dynamics.🤷

RampantIvy · 21/10/2024 22:36

I have read a number of threads from posters who have been invited as guests to this type of wedding and who are baulking at the cost of a two night stay.

The usual response is "it's an invitation not a summons" and posters calling the bride a bridezilla, yet everyone is team bride here.

Dies anyone else see the irony?

itsjustbiology · 21/10/2024 22:38

My son just got married OP..200 people at a venue, us a family of 10! They wanted the wedding to be over a weekend, much similar to how your dd wants it. It is more of a huge party vibe with the extended stay of not wanting it to end. I didnt stay over, I wanted to be home in my own bed after such a long day and leave it to the young ones to party til dawn! No one minded! It was a wonderful day,many people booked air b n bs and met up for brunch and they had a wonderful time. Such a different wedding to how mine was, very modern,very fancy, very relaxed. It was their day and exactly how they wanted it. I get how you have misgivings I do, I felt the same but in the end the whole thing was wonderful. Be guided by their wants and trust them, bow out when you feel your day is done and leave them to party! I am sure it will be a wonderful day. Are the bride and groom paying for it themselves ? My son did and we all chipped in here and there. These weddings should be renamed as they are more of an event these days! We had crazy golf courses, bouncy castles,fireworks, string quartets,icecream carts, peacocks! Such a daft waste of money to me but it was what they wanted so they paid for it. Bargain day at a mere £80,000 ! My wedding was slightly more modest! My advice..step back, nod your head and let them do as they wish.

LoveTheRainAndSun · 21/10/2024 22:38

RampantIvy · 21/10/2024 22:36

I have read a number of threads from posters who have been invited as guests to this type of wedding and who are baulking at the cost of a two night stay.

The usual response is "it's an invitation not a summons" and posters calling the bride a bridezilla, yet everyone is team bride here.

Dies anyone else see the irony?

I don't think it's necessarily a contradiction. You can support the bride to make the decision she wants and support the guests not to go along with it (some will, and they will then make the wedding what it is). In the end, I think the bride is the one that misses out there, but it depends what is most important to her. As long as she accepts that people might decline and doesn't get huffy about it, both positions are equally valid.

bridesmaid1024 · 21/10/2024 22:51

I think brides & grooms should do whatever they want for their own wedding.

Just because you are traditional and want a church and for your husband to walk her down the aisle - maybe she doesn't; maybe she isn't traditional.

Sometimes; parents need to take a step back and be happy for their child. No-one is making you stay over; you can decline.

In the past 3 years I've been to 3 weddings;

1 - 3.5 hours away; so a 2 night stay

2 - 2 hours away; so a 1 night stay

3 - destination wedding; so a 7 night stay

I chose to go to all of them; I chose to stay for that amount of nights; and I chose to sort childcare (or not) appropriately.
The 2 weddings at home we did breakfast the morning after the wedding - which was provided by the hotel / grounds we stayed in and all reminisced about the night before, was a nice relaxed party vibe.
Destination wedding we didn't due to different hotels; but had a meeting at a local restaurant a few days after where again; was a party vibe again.

I'm sure she understands some people may not stay / come for days etc

itsjustbiology · 21/10/2024 23:04

Just to add as well sorry, the people who really want to be there WILL make it work regardless of cost or travel I found. My son had folk come from all over the place who looked upon it as a mini holiday for themselves I learned! Our wedding was on a friday too and you would be amazed at the young professionals who all took the day off to be there for their friends! UBER did very well that day running about to hotels and up and down motorways! Let your dd send her invites and what will be, will be regarding guests.

RampantIvy · 22/10/2024 08:05

Just to add as well sorry, the people who really want to be there WILL make it work regardless of cost or travel I found

This is so different to the "I can't afford to go to my best friend's wedding" threads.

There might well be some people who really want to go who genuinely can't afford it, so your statement makes it sounds that these people don't really want to go.

redorangeye110w · 22/10/2024 08:09

itsjustbiology · 21/10/2024 23:04

Just to add as well sorry, the people who really want to be there WILL make it work regardless of cost or travel I found. My son had folk come from all over the place who looked upon it as a mini holiday for themselves I learned! Our wedding was on a friday too and you would be amazed at the young professionals who all took the day off to be there for their friends! UBER did very well that day running about to hotels and up and down motorways! Let your dd send her invites and what will be, will be regarding guests.

But it's just so much pressure on people. Most will make it work but it's not easy.

When for this happen to weddings.