Daughters wedding

[ElatedSnail]

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

Oh dear OP you have fallen in to the trap alot of MOB and MOG's fall in to and seem to think it has anything to do with you. As an ex Wedding Coordinator the first thing I used to tell all my couples is "it's your day and you need to happy it doesn't matter what anyone else wants". Oh and on a side note I got married in a stately home type location just over an hour away from my family and 4 hrs away from my husbands family and yes 90% of our guests stayed over the night before and the night of the wedding and we all had breakfast together the morning after. I think you need to realise it's 2024 not 1954.

I'd hate to stay and have breakfast the morning after with people I don't know too. However, if that was what the bride and groom wanted I would smile and join them in their excitement.

I think a lot of these wedding packages are a way of subsidising the costs for the wedding couple if they get enough (gullible) people to pay for overnight accommodation.

I wouldn’t be too keen on spending money on an overnight hotel stay either, so depending on individual family members, the couple might struggle to get the required numbers.

I’d leave her to it and say nothing and just hope they don’t get into debt for it.

I have suggested having the ceremony nearer to home so that people don't need to pay for this overnight accommodation

Please stop suggesting things like this and let
your daughter plan/enjoy her day. What she is planning for her wedding is very normal nowadays. Most people are happy to pay for this sort of thing, and are the overnight element as part of the wedding. And anyone who doesn’t want to can drive- a hour and a half is doable. You sound hard work.

Like someone else has said times have changed. Most weddings I’ve been too family tend to stay the night before and the night of the wedding. Obvs it’s guests choice whether they can a) afford too b) want too. So it’s not unusual.

End of the day reality is, it’s not your wedding so you may have wanted a church wedding and presume you got that, but that’s clearly not your daughter and son in laws (to be) prefer or choice. As her mum it’s your role to support her in what she wants for her big day. And at the risk of sounding harsh, it’s not about you, it’s not about how comfort you feel about their choices for their wedding. Yes you are the mother of the bride but ultimately you are a guest like anyone, the only people who matter are the bride and groom.

You are being unreasonable. It’s your daughter’s wedding and I think you should be supporting your daughter and son in laws plans. If it bothers you so much would you rather not go? My husband comes from a big Irish family where having 200-300 guests would not be unusual. My eldest daughter and her fiancé said that was their worse nightmare and they said we are going to Italy. Parents siblings her one close aunt and uncle and a friend invited. They also said they understood if any of us didn’t want to attend. We all went and had a great few days. Son’s fiancé half Spanish and her parents and family lived in Spain. As her grandparents were elderly they got married in Spain. Again we and the others invited travelled to Spain and had a great time. 2nd daughter and fiancé loved travel lakes and mountains. They got married on an island in the middle of a lake abroad again surrounded by family and friends.
Was this how we expected our children’s weddings would be. No. But it was how they wanted them to be and that was what mattered

I think the deal is often that
the hotel sells a package to the couple. We’ll charge this if all your guests stay overnight. Then they have a full hotel when otherwise they may have guests who can’t access large areas of the hotel and who are put out by the noise. If guests don’t agree to stay the couple don’t get the package deal. This is what I heard was the situation with a friends son’s wedding. She was expected to stay overnight with the rest of the family and guests who all lived in the same city!

It sounds a lovely wedding. Could you go down on the day so only 1 night’s accommodation. And if you won’t want to share a house book your own hotel and go over and join them for breakfast!

Are you actually shitting me? Not your wedding,not your choice. If youre really that 'uncomfortable' then dont go.

Dd1 and her now dh had a lovely wedding. All guests stayed the night before and helped decorate the venue and the night after. Accommodation for 50 guests was included in the price (dd1 and ger dh paid) and we really got to know his family.

Yes. You are. It's not your wedding. You've done yours. This is your daughter and her partners day. Don't be a spoil sport and ruin it by being selfish.

Her day sounds lovely OP. I think you just need to get your head around it. I have been married 22 years. I didn’t go straight on honeymoon, in fact we had a huge family BBQ the next day. Honeymoon was 3 months later. Just because it doesn’t form your idea of what a wedding should be, it doesn’t make their way wrong.

You and your husband could very easily cause a rift if you are too vocal. Staying over at venues and meeting for breakfast is very normal. It sounds like they are actively trying to bring together both sides of the family in a relaxed environment. You need to respect their wishes, even if it goes against everything you hope for, it’s simply not your day.

Christ on a bike!! What an absolute mood hoover! I know someone like you that seems to just find the negatives in everything. Imagine being so excited about your wedding day and your mum being like this. None of what she seems to have suggested seems unreasonable in the slightest.

OP. I married in 1994 and had the wedding my mum wanted.
My son married in 2019 and he and his wife had the wedding they wanted.
I know which is best.
Enjoy the ride. It's good for us to get out if our comfort zones.

Sorry OP, but yes, you are being a bit miserable. I would find this situation very tricky because I am ND, but assuming you are not, I would do my best to accommodate my daughter’s wishes at hopefully the one and only time she will ever get married. Many congratulations to your daughter.

This is your daughter’s wedding not yours.

you don’t get to decide or dictate what they choose to do or where they choose to have it.

we are in a generation now where people don’t feel the need to make decisions based on what other people want for them. It’s called free choice. Welcome and catch up.

1 night doesn't generally work with whole house hire - no one is going to have your room the other night so it would be empty so you have to pay for both.

(And yes breakfast buffet post wedding with other guests there is normal in a hotel -but this is not a hotel -it's self catering and making a communal breakfast somehow)

Christ they're looking at Manor House's and you're suggesting a pub 😂

Not your wedding, not your concern. Not everyone wants to get married in a Toby carvery to appease the likes of miserable guests.

Its not your wedding so she can get married wherever she wants. As for the extras - the evening meal for ALL day guests is a bit much - but the breakfast after is OK, presuming its a hotel so people can come and go at what time they want rather than "breakfast is at 9" - I wouldn't be going to that!! Immediate family getting together the night before the wedding is acceptable - the brides side, the groom does whatever with his side.

Re. breakfast the next day, @ElatedSnail - my son and dil did this after their wedding (though for fewer people) and it was lovely - a relaxed and informal counterpoint to the day before.

They had the whole wedding, reception etc at a manor house venue, and it was absolutely lovely, so I’m sure your daughter’s wedding will be just as good if they have a church wedding then go to the venue for the rest of the celebration.

It was the first time I’d been to a wedding like this and I absolutely loved it.

At the end of the day, what matters is two people who love each other uniting their lives and celebrating this with family and friends. I would advise you to stop pushing your vision and support them - it is their wedding and you will only cause stress if you don’t back down.

Give them your enthusiastic support - and make up your mind to love their wedding - this will be better for all of you.

Our wedding was 1.5hrs away, on a Monday (thanks Covid). All 90 day guests and 60 extra evening guests came. Many stayed (all our rooms were full), breakfast the next day, everyone had a blast. Our wedding is still talked about very highly by guests now.

Suck it up and get excited for them!

My sil wants us all to stay in a house on the grounds where it has a kitchen etc and one of us makes brekkie etc.
Bugger being expected to the catering for everyone at breakfast time 😵‍💫
I don’t think OP is being particularly unreasonable, if it’s logistically difficult for her then perhaps her dd needs to consider an alternative or a compromise regardless of who’s paying.

Nobody should have a church wedding if they're not Christian, it's hypocritical. Also, it's their wedding, not yours, so it's not up to you. Don't stay if you don't want to.

@Wexone my mother was the same. As a result, once I realised how overbearing (and at times outright rude about our perfectly reasonable preferences for a wedding we paid for ourselves) she was going to be, she was excluded from any traditional MOB role.

Be careful Op, you might seriously damage your relationship with your daughter.

It’s your dds big day, you support her ideas and enjoy the occasion whatever it is.