How to break bad news - 11+

[GoodIsGoodEnough]

My DC hasn't scored high enough to get into grammar. It was always going to be a long shot with much less tutoring than their peers, but I am still sad for them.

Any advice on how to tell them the news would be appreciated.

Do I give them their real score which is about 30 marks off, or do I say their score was closer (say 10 marks off)?

I hate that at 10 they're going to not feel "good enough". I never wanted the 11+, they got wind of it and wanted to do it. I feel like I've let them down.

I didn't go to grammar and I've read all the stories of people going to comps and doing well, which I'm sure she will, but just looking for some advice on how to handle this immediate situation today.

The truth is always the best policy. You won’t remember the lie down the line.

I had to tell my son last year that he hadn’t scored highly enough to be considered for the school we had hoped to get him into. in fact there was a letter addressed to me that I let him open with the results. He had put in all the hard work and he deserved to know how he had scored.

I'm not going to say it wasn’t tough but it was absolutely fine down the line. He is at a school now where he is flying. Constant accolades for achievements and attitude. It’s also a million times more convenient to travel to which means he doesn’t have to get up till 7.30am. If he’d got into the desired school he’d have been up at 6.30am!

All these things are making lemonade out of lemons. He might also not get the GCSE or A level grades that he needs to get into the Uni he also doesn’t get into. Life is full of hard knocks and it’s being supported through disappointment that builds resilience. Starting with lies, no matter how well intentioned, is a terrible starting point.

A great tip for having your child resent you for the rest of their lives, or to never trust your word again after you lied about something so significant. Either way, definitely not harmless.

Please don’t lie to your kids about their academic work. I teach at a university and some kids arrive expecting that everything will just be handed to them and it’s honestly really sad to see how unprepared they are for life beyond the small bubble of their parents’ home. And that’s at a university, where they get lots of second chances to resit etc, not even the working world!

I think you need to say how proud you are that she achieved such a high score . Especially since she achieved it without being pushed. Be honest, say that even though she has done so well, you don’t think it will be enough for a place in the GS because thousands of girls take the test and the chances are that many will also have got a high score like her but those with a slightly higher score will be offered the places. She will get a place in a good school for next year, where she will be happy and make friends, and she will achieve because she is so clever and hardworking, but it is probably not going to be the GS.

Are you out of your mind?

It's really tough for you to handle but my advice is not to lie to them. I know someone who did this and ended up tying herself in knots with fabricated reasons for why they weren't taking the place. She really regrets not telling her child the truth. Child is 21 now and still doesn't know she didn't pass. Much better to just be a bit vague about the details if you don't want them to know exact score and stress how much of a non issue it is. I would frame it that they didn't get the right score for that school but it really doesn't matter at all and it is definitely not a measure of their cleverness. Don't say they failed. My friend's brother is an Oxford don. He didn't pass his 11+.

I wouldn't feel guilty about the tutouring. In my area, we have seen parents only getting the tutor to help the kids pass the exam but then the children finding the work and homework immensely difficult.

The grammar test then changed this year to include creative writing to try and make the tests fair for those who are not being tutored to pass as oppose to general tutoring.

My eldest is in a local authority school and was never interested in the grammar schools so never bothered with the tests, however he had friends who did, they passed and now attend.

I would say after speaking to his friends parents, he is doing equally as well as the ones at the grammar school as he is predicted top grades.

Honestly, I think if you have an academic child who is willing to learn then I think they could attend most high schools and achieve their best.

To give another perspective on your disappointment - I passed my 11+ and got into a grammar school. I soon came to realise that unless you are one of the super bright ones, you will struggle and likely spend a lot of time feeling like you are very stupid. The pressure is intense. I moved schools after a couple of years (due to a house move) and went to a state school and it was so much better. I flourished and genuinely believe I ended up with better grades (I did really well) and less mental health issues because of it!

Glad you plan to be honest with your daughter and also sound very compassionate.

Agree with other posters saying tell her and help her work through it.

Only other thing is to look at anything available at the grammar that is not at the comp and then see if she can do it as a club if she feels she is missing out.

Definitely big up the positives. Less of a commute means more time for friends and hobbies.

This is a great opportunity to help her develop and build resilience. ‘Safe’ failures are a really good thing and we should be encouraging our kids to try things they aren’t necessarily going to succeed at, make mistakes, and offer growth opportunities. Shielding kids from this because it’s hard in the moment isn’t going to do them any benefit in the long run…

Don't lie, tell them how proud you are of them for trying but sometimes things don't go the way we want. It could just have been a bad day. Their future isn't limited. The fact they wanted to go for it says they have the right approach to life and are likely to do well where ever they end up.

Tell them it's a ridiculous, unfair system that is beloved by rabid right wingers.

I'm amazed parents lie to their kids about their scores, even if it's to say you missed by 8 marks instead of 5.

Don't think I'd forgive mine if they did that to me!

Anyway, as most people said, just tell her gently once home that she didn't get in and if she asks for her score then you tell her. It's normal for her to feel disappointed.

Positive reinforcement that this is not the be all and end all is the best course of action, and being understanding that she is disappointed and just letting her feel that feeling without trying to change it is a good idea.

I had one child that passed and one child that failed. That's hard to manage within a family, but you just have to be honest and say that it didn't work out for them, the school they are going to is great and ultimately it has suited my child better to be in a less hot-housed environment. Grammars don't suit everyone, they don't even suit some more sensitive very academic types.

You sound like a lovely, caring and realistic mum!

I would tell her the score - her friends who took the exam will know theirs.
I agree with the poster who said it's kind of better to have a mark several below the required pass, than to have missed it by one or two marks (all that "what if ...?" )
Make a big fuss of how proud you are of how hard she worked and that you know she tried her best which is all anyone could ask of her.
Tell her that going through the process was a really important positive step to be sure she'll go to the school that's absolutely right for her and it's fantastic to have that reassurance.
Talk up the positives of the non selective school, particularly any extra curricular or sporty stuff she likes (these are often more on the back burner at grammar).
Maybe chat about how clever/smart people are bright in different ways. Some are academic, some are more practical, some are more creative. Grammar school won't suit all of them.

I'm nervously waiting 11+ results for my daughter at the moment but our area is super selective with very limited places so she's unlikely to get one even with a decent "pass". I think the school would really suit her so I am hoping against the odds but I'm really downplaying it and she seems to have forgotten about it which is great. No results date yet, probably another week to wait!

My eldest child didn't take the exam. He was bright but would have hated it and grammar wouldn't have suited him. He's now absolutely flying at University doing a degree he is passionate about.

Honestly you've probably dodged a bullet.
She will be top of her class at the local school versus possibly bottom of the class at the grammar, Where being bottom of the class is a big thing.
Also there's probably less travel time to the local school therefore more time for hobbies. She is clearly quite competitive, can you help her to find a hobby that she can excel in? One of ours rowed at national level and another competed nationally at archery. Something that gives her a sense of achievement and being special.

I see these comments about tutoring all the time. 'Tutoring' should only be about familiarity of question types and timings. If your child requires lots of tuition in the traditional sense then Grammar isn't the right place for them. Controversial opinion I'm sure but I've seen the results of it and it's much more disappointing for them than having to go to a non selective school.

I’m not so sure about this. I had the flip of this- I passed the 11 plus, but mum decided I wouldn’t go because my younger sister would not have been able to pass the entry requirements and she wanted us in the same school. Instead told me I hadn’t passed. I only heard in mid life when an adult from my Dad, it was quite a shock even 30 years later! I did ok tho, a rubbish comp in a bad area, but I now have a good job with degrees coming out of my ears 😀

Please don't lie. Be honest and explain it's very hard to get in and sadly the score wasn't enough.

I'm not very clued up on the comp / grammar school situation but it is sad that children this young can be upset and cry about this sort of thing, not scoring high enough, feelings stupid etc. what a horrible system!
I think previous posters are right, celebrate the score they got, say you are proud, they did well, mention it being competitive and therefore likely (or definitely if you know for sure) that they'll be going to the comp school which is great for X and Y reasons. Maybe mention other successful people you know who went there that they look up to etc. I'd try to pitch it as the outcome rather than then losing out i.e. 'so this means you'll be going to X school which is great because . ..' rather than leading with what they didn't get. I hope they're ok.

Just be straight with them. You didn't get in. I'm so proud of you for putting the work in. Then be positive about the remaining options. It probably will be a blow, but they can come back from it.

Don't do this. We're in a grammar school county and one kid in my son's class did this. Loads of the other kids in the class were really gutted that he'd 'passed' and they hadn't, as he wasn't one of the brighter kids and they felt like they must be idiots for not passing if he had.

I only know he didn't actually pass because I was friends with his mum. And he was a long way off passing.

It’s ridiculous that this antiquated divisive system still exists. Sorry you and your DD are going through this @GoodIsGoodEnough do be sympathetic to any disappointment she expresses and don’t make a big deal of it. Absolutely celebrate her strengths and successes over the months to come.

Tell her it's oversubscribed and she got a really good score but because they had so many applications it wasn't enough to get in. Don't let her start secondary school feeling like a failure! My parents never told me why I didn't go to grammar school, I guess I didn't pass the 11+ but they never even bothered telling me so I went through school still thinking I was brilliant!

Do not lie.