What things are “very Mumsnet”

[Kibble29]

Lighthearted of course before anyone says otherwise.

I really enjoy the threads that remind you of things that are quintessentially MN but rarely come up in real life. They always throw up lots of quips that I’ve forgotten about.

Such as:

(24 year old man with 2 children and a mortgage cheats on his wife, wife posts about it)

MN: have you considered that he doesn’t yet have a fully developed frontal lobe and this may contribute to his impulsive behaviour?

Describing things like colouring in or jigsaws as hobbies.

A terrible creeping social insecurity about whether your children are 'doing enough extracurriculars'.

A (probably related) delusion that private school produces magically confident, well-rounded children, and that if you can't afford it, you should post on here for tips on how to replicate the 'private school effect' via viola lessons, reading that weird doughnut-faced man's etiquette advice (Willian Hanson?), discussing current affairs over breakfast, and Guides.

Everyone should have a Quooker.

A complete inability to handle the most ordinary situations involving other people, whether that's a too-chatty colleague, the school run, or a wedding invitation you don't want to accept. These are all regarded as requiring the kind of negotiating skills used in hostage handoffs.

A widespread blindness to the role of confirmation bias, cold-reading and forgetfulness in encounters with 'psychics'.

And some funny, kind posters who give well-informed advice, or a brisk kick up the ass, as required. The people who remote-diagnosed my toddler and gave me tips to help him when we were on holiday in a remote place have my undying gratitude. And though I'm not an adopter, I've periodically read the Adoption board for years, originally looking for ways to support a friend who'd adopted her daughter, but have also found it an incredibly good source of wisdom about parenting the child you have in general.

Calling out shit behaviour from men. In RL, people just say ' men! What are they like!' which makes it hard for women to realise they are in genuinely bad relationships. Thank God for the women on Mumsnet being able to call out shit behaviour.

That every teenager is going to uni

That you don't use their "keep" money when working but save it for a house deposit.

That most people own their own house ( they don't)

That everyone can drive

So middle class!

You don't like your friends do you?
Recommended clothes brand: Have you tried Mint Velvet, Joules, Phase 8? - followed by shit flinging about which shop is shit and why phase 8 can't be trusted anymore. Derail about quality of clothes, slave labour and then back to original question.
Boden isn't the same anymore
How often do you clean your bathroom?
The popcorn or biscuit emoji
Unhinged
North South divide is evident
I would judge you severely
Is it tacky to serve chicken nuggets?
What's in your salad
There was a loud child in the cafe on a dare I say it, electrical device
A dog sat on the cafe table - 1000 page thread ensues
I don't often say this but LTB (when DH ate the last biscuits in secret)

Anxiety.

Screaming. Usually refers to someone being mildly annoyed.

She (almost always a MIL) started crying. Usually refers to someone being mildly upset. Said MILs also have form for throwing themselves to the floor like a toddler.

If anyone asks you anything they are demanding that you do what they say.

All pregnancies must be "announced". You can't just tell people. I always imagine a Town Crier with a bell.

Arguing the toss about something that really doesn't matter and derailing the entire, light-hearted thread in the process (see my username).

Telling someone they're a crap mother

Could it be sepsis?
Demanding or insisting upon entirely inappropriate medical investigations or treatment with no concept of the risks involved.
Everyone is constantly being mistaken for someone 15 years younger.
Everyone is ‘on their knees’ with exhaustion, but particularly anyone who had a baby after the age of 19 (unless they’re a man, of course).
Step parents astonished their spouse is a bad parent, even though this is actually the only thing they could assess pre-marriage.
’My kids are my world/my life’. Only ever appears in threads written by parents who have prioritised themselves over their children at every turn.

There was a time ‘Are you on glue? ‘ was used a lot if posters wrote anything at all that people disapproved of. It was amusing on the original thread only.

Also advice to use the phrase did you mean to be so rude? I mean it’s just a very archaic slightly odd phrase that makes the speaker sound like a Maiden Aunt in a stage play set in 1922. Part of me fantasises being asked this and replying yes I did mean to be so rude.

@MissTrip82 Haha, “could it be sepsis?” is constant isn’t it? Someone has any sort of illness that doesn’t shift in 24 hours and they simply must have it.

Similarly, everyone loves phoning an ambulance for non-emergencies and going to A&E for things that can be dealt with by a GP. If this app is representative of the wider country, it’s clear why we have long waiting times.

"YABU for trying to send her anywhere near Wolverhampton. Do you want her to get stabbed just to get out of parenting?"

MN appears to be the place that all the UK’s highest income earners convene during working hours.

The ease at which people leave marriages and LTRs. Finances appear to be split overnight and rental accommodation seems to be in abundance.

The intense fallouts in families which mean that they go NC rather than simply being a bit frosty with each other for a while.

The personality conditions (either undiagnosed or privately diagnosed) that cause people to behave like fannies or not be able to deal with the tiniest thing.

The number of battered Volvos (never a battered Fiesta) that are driven by MN parents that enable them to afford private school for their 3 children.

I have just seen a thread titled "Opinions on Hugh for a baby" - only on MN surely?

I live rurally, 28472924 miles away from the nearest shop/school/building and have 3 kids to take to various places but I 'don't drive'.

Seems to be a very common theme on MN that I've not heard of in real life.

(PS. this is not including those with genuine conditions that mean they can't drive).

‘….with no friends or family support’. Well stop bliddy going NC then!!!!

Anything being ‘hygienic’ - or not being ‘hygienic’.

It’s got to the stage where whenever I see the H word on MN, I mentally have the poster down as some OTT clean-freak, who has to disinfect the entire house daily, in case any germ should dare to enter, even on the socks - or bare feet! - of someone who of course has taken their shoes off at the door.
Plus all dogs, of course, being the work of Satan.

Everyone is “baffled” these days but it’s really just a passive aggressive way of saying you think the other person is thick.

"How dare you feel insecure in your finances, there are MNers who haven't got two pennies to rub together"

Well, 'You're a total thicko, OP' will get your post deleted.

I hate it when posters say things like I have a friend, we shall call her Jane”.

Shall we now.

HTH. I always see the poster doing a little head nod when they say this. As in ‘that told you!’

The “squares of good quality dark chocolate” they give to the toddler after their tea, lest they should (heaven forbid!) eat Cadburys.

No such thing as bad weather, let’s all get in puddle suits and go out jumping around in the park! It is absolutely pissing it down here today, I’m not even looking forward to the walk down the path to the car.

We should all get public transport, regardless of it being pretty non-existent in some locations. In London, yes but elsewhere no. Even in some large cities it’s not great. I used to work on the railway and had to be there 15 minutes before the first train, of course I should’ve cycled the 20-odd miles in the dark or moved nearer to work, despite it being a very, very expensive area that’s out of reach for most mere mortals who don’t earn the MN six figures.

Always the suggestion to “heat the person, not the room”. Shit advice. I lived in a house as a lodger where the heating was on for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. I worked shifts so often missed those hours.

No matter how many thermals/layers/jumpers/onsies/blankets/hot water bottles I had, I was still fucking freezing. So cold one day that I couldn’t bear to wash my hair as the showers weren’t electric and so were cold, rang my DM in tears and she transferred me the money to get a blow dry.

This made me laugh out loud, that is so true and very funny. Also reminded me of another common one where the OP is insufferably long and poorly punctuated, and replies come in saying ‘I’m not reading all that’. Makes me laugh because I’d never be that rude but think it!!

@WaneyEdge I hate the “heat the person, not the room” thing too. I’ve to layer up in thermals, clothes, a jumper, a blanket, a hat, scarf and slippers. What about when I inevitably need to go to the toilet and my bare arse sticks to the icy seat because the house is, in fact, sitting at -14 degrees?

The lofty “discuss” issued as an instruction. No I won’t, you can fuck right off.