People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

20 is fine. Go ahead with the party; try to fill the spaces if you can otherwise just enjoy your party with whoever comes.

I never bother organising this sort if thing for same reason unless is a small thing and Immediate group of friends and family.

Enjoy your birthday

what? seriously?

Lots of people your dh “knows” came uninvited to the evening do

where from? the pub?

It won’t be 20

If people are dropping out left right and centre a week in advance - these are the considerate people

as the week progresses, i suspect will ramp up

I feel like the illness excuses won't come until day before/on the day. So you could have more pull out. People are so flakey and shit, especially since covid. With 28 invited I'd expect 15 to come, which is a lovely number of people to celebrate with. You dont need filler people. Have fun!

I think these are awful excuses, every single one of them. So rude. If one person can’t make it then the other of the couple should.

If I knew someone had organised a party at a venue I would make extra effort to be there come hell or high water. Agree that people are so flaky now due to texting.

I have one friend who never even commits to anything — she just says, “Sounds lovely, I’ll try to be there.” I think she just wants to see how she feels on the night and have an opportunity to bail. I’m amazed anyone invites her anywhere (I don’t).

OP I would definitely insure yourself by inviting a few more people last minute, because you might well have more drop out this week as they realise they CBA to go out.

I think you will definitely have a great time on the night though ❤️

I have one friend who never even commits to anything — she just says, “Sounds lovely, I’ll try to be there.” I think she just wants to see how she feels on the night and have an opportunity to bail. I’m amazed anyone invites her anywhere (I don’t).

So you don’t seem to like her and don’t invite her to anything.

So not really a “friend”?

These are all pretty rubbish excuses.

Could you not invite peoples kids if they can't find a sitter surely? It's a 40th not a 18th piss up.

I wouldn't invite "fillers", you'd be insulting them making them know that they aren't really wanted just wanted to make up numbers. I'm sure you'll have a good night anyway.

Just being pregnant wouldn't have made me miss something I'd agreed to do.

To be fair, people have quite different experiences of pregnancy. My sickness has randomly come back towards the end of third trimester. Didn’t happen with my first. You don’t always see it coming.

Other peoples birthday aren’t seen as major events by other people, (which is one reason why the vast majority of people don’t throw big parties for them, as they know people won’t come/will agree and then drop out). Of course they can be fun memorable events and a chance to see people, but I wouldn’t be shocked when people drop out and certainly wouldn’t take it personally. I’d be happy I know that many people who initially were happy to come, while also take on board the flakiness lesson for future and possibly next time consider something a bit smaller with just closest friends.

Why go to a night out you agree to a month ago if three weeks on you know you’ll probably feel rough? Birthday parties just aren’t that important in the scheme of things in most peoples eyes, they’re just get togethers.

To each their own, I mean I think some drinks in a pub or an informal meal is great, but the hiring a venue thing plus official invites etc - for me that is done with in the early teenage years (if not earlier). I had a fairly modest surprise party thrown for me once as an adult and didn’t enjoy it much at all.

First, congrats on turning 40!

Second, I really feel for you. Those excuses are shit if they’re your friends. They should be helping you get ready for it and decorate the place, not flaking off in advance because their baby won’t sleep last week! Miserable, boring t**ts. One day, they’ll wonder why they don’t get invited to anything anymore. Which they probably won’t mind because they sound like they hate parties.

Third, you’re right about the reframing. This is your party and you can enjoy it regardless. You clearly have some really good mates who’ll be there and enjoy it. Focus on having a good time with them. And I’d message the (reliable) people who are already coming and say they can bring extra people if they want. This means the newly-invited people will already be in a crowd, rather than randomers. Then ask some extra people who you know will really enjoy it. You don’t want extra who come but stand there feeling awkward then make their excuses and swiftly leave. Parties are for people who like partying! And for the newly invited people, make clear they shouldn’t bring you a gift - the gift is a good party. Otherwise, that might put them off.

Enjoy yourself!

What about cancelling and instead using the same budget to pay for a really special meal at a swanky place or even night away for you and 3 others...

I have organised loads of parties. (Not for myself, I would hate a party for myself!!) if I wanted 28 at it, I’d invite double that amount. I’d expect half not to go.

Just decide that even if one person turns up you will have a laugh with them. Decide this and if you have a good time, everyone else will have a good time.

Also, it’s not too late to invite more. Do it and good luck x

Yes, 100%. I meant to say I always invite double. Parties are like flights. You only get a full house if you overbook 🙂

As many others have said I would go ahead - am sure you'll have a great time!

Of the people who are coming could any of them bring along a friend/sibling to make up numbers - spread the hospitality on your big day

This is a perfectly normal number of dropouts at this age/life stage. I'd not take it personally at all it's pretty standard. Perhaps next time expect some to cancel last minute.

I’ve had similar on a couple of occasions, one was my milestone birthday party.
I think they think it’s better to say yes and then make out they can’t come last minute. When they probably had no intention on going.
It annoys me, I’d much rather they’d said no in the first place. Especially as there’s people I wish I had invited.

I wouldn’t say that you’re ‘checking’ they’re coming. I’d say something like ‘Looking forward to seeing you at XX time at XXX place on Saturday. Will be great to catch up’ Throw in a few emojis 😜 Then, you’re putting it in people’s minds without sounding desperate. Definitely invite a few more if you can. Are there any school mums you like? Neighbours?

Sorry @Eyesopenwideawake I don’t know how I attached it to your comment!

Sadly, people don't think when they give an excuse as to why they can't now come to a party/wedding. You still have to pay for those people who don't come. We had this at our evening wedding reception. Several gave lame excuses. It's a difficult one to be honest, as if you start 'checking', others may decide to pull out. You can't make people come to the party, but perhaps you should reiterate that even though they are now not coming, you still have to pay for them. I would be tempted to see if you can find another 8 people to fill the gap.

Agree with this. Don't deflate your own party by telling guests that others have pulled out

Do you have some colleagues / neighbours / friends of friends / siblings of friends who might like to come along and wouldn't take offence at a short notice invitation? Don't tell them others have cancelled, just say you realise it's short notice but would be fun if they can come

For future reference, I host a big event each year. I invite about 200. Of those, generally 100 accept and 10 cancel at short notice. So, please don't take it too personally. It always happens

Hope party goes well

Excellent idea, I'd say some family have cancelled which has freed up some space, and to be honest your glad because you can now invite some extra friends.
I think the one's who was going to cancel have done so, and the rest you will see on the night.
Send out a 'can't wait to see you', on such and such day, and put your only 40 once!
That should suitably guilt them into coming if they was wavering.
Where abouts are you op? I'm always free for a good knees up hehehe, my 50th on the 8th Nov

Have a lovely time with whoever is there. I expect some more may not come though.

Upsetting it is I agree, painful lesson not to do similar in future. As for people being flaky, I think Covid just increased it. In the days when you would have to phone or speak in person to someone to say yes or no, you'd be more likely to not back out.