People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

In your shoes I would invite more people. Word a WhatsApp like “I’m having some drinks for my 40th, come raise a glass with me, details of time and venue”.

Did you create a group on WhatsApp originally? If not I would create one, add everyone invited, including declines. Add all information of venue and add in that you proving drink/food etc

Sorry your plans are being messed around.
I think most people are just so fed up, stressed and busy that adding a night out on top of that feels like too much. I've got my first night out this year next month and it's already stressing me out as I've got to sort out my teens MH issues around it. I will go out as I'm fond of my freinds but that's all I'll do this year. Anything else I'd decline.
I'm 50 and never done anything for my birthdays. Too much hassle.

Sending love. I find it hard summoning the courage to put on an event, and I also drag myself to go to anything I’ve committed to.

Don’t cancel. You’ll feel miserable. Ask the venue if you could swap to another space or to tables for nibbles or something.

Maybe tell your besties about the cancellations so they’ll be on time and support you.

I’m 35 and would not have 28 people to invite to an event and that is normal for a lot of people- don’t feel unloved.

I agree with the idea of extending the invitation more widely - try a general invitation at work.

@pictoosh sometimes you have to get on and do things for other people though? My MIL had a big birthday this week and all she wanted was a family birthday dinner - DH is injured and might need surgery, our bathroom has been leaking, I haven’t slept properly for weeks and my chronic condition has flared up because of it. I slapped on some make up and a smile and rallied for the evening because it was the right thing to do for another person.

Work stress is a crap non- excuse, not finding child care is poor show, even if DH with broken arm couldn’t come why wouldn’t his wife? Baby not sleeping a WEEK before the event is also a stupid reason. Awful behaviour from the OPs friends and they should be ashamed.

@Greentreesandbushes agree with this - if people are going to pull out for stupid reasons they should be publicly shamed into doing it in front of the group - might make them think twice

It's a birthday party, not the Nazi gestapo!

If it's a birthday party and not a sit down meal, it is stingy to expect people to pay for their own food and drinks. It's fair enough when you are a teenager/student, I remember when BYOB was the norm but that stopped post early 20's.

If I had been invited to a birthday party and found out that I was expected to cough up for my own food and drinks, I probably wouldn't cancel but I'd inwardly raise an eyebrow. I would, of course arrive with a bottle of wine for the host. Perhaps some of the people cancelling have cancelled for that reason.

I'm not a fan of parties at all and always decline from the get go as it's so unfair to flake at the last minute. I think that people can't say no as they feel awkward so lie when they really have no intention of going. I feel for you OP...could you change the venue to your house so it's not that big of a deal if not many turn up?

Firstly Happy Birthday. I wouldnt feel too hurt .People now are very flaky,Its not personal but some just dont want to turn out on a dark night! There was a thread here earlier this week ,asking do many adults go to parties now .Seems we are attending less parties than our parents generation! I wouldnt text anyone ,just have a good time, and enjoy your family and close friends .If you get on well with NDN/friends on your street,maybe see if they want to come ,or people at work? Have a good time and chill out!

@MeMyCatsAndI but if you see other people cancelling in a group you know that your cancellation carries more weight and it might make you think twice about your pathetic excuse. I said upthread, sometimes you have to get on an do something for another person even if you don’t particularly feel like it

I threw my 50th birthday party at home. I have a small but loyal group of friends and they all turned up. But, gatecrasher looked at my buffet (I'm a feeder and always over cater), and said he was sorry that so many people let me down as I was obviously expecting many more people. I smiled and suggested he take a doggy bag home.

One friend actually brought a tupperware with her to take home stuff!

OP, have your party. You absolutely will enjoy it! And, when you're home in bed afterwards, you'll think how well it went and thank goodness you didn't cancel. People are always human - they're flakes, they're rude, they're pain in arses. But the people who really matter will be there and you'll have a blast.

Come back next week, when you've recovered from your hangover, and tell us all how brilliant it was. And, as a PP said, where do you live? The MN posse will come en masse!

Finally - happy, happy birthday! My forties were my best decade 🎂🥳 Have an amazing day!

There's a video on YouTube of a woman whose fiancé dumped her on her wedding day and she just went on to have a massive party with her friends. Chuck out a few more invites op and just go and have fun.

The one I'd have the biggest issue with is the babysitter. They didn't say the babysitter let them down, they said the forgot to book. There's still a week to go?! To that one, I'd say: "Oh that's a shame - can I help with suggestions?" If they live close enough and you have one.

To the others - except for the broken arm person, they've got a pass - I think I would say: "No worries, but if you do feel up to it on the day, please feel free to come, all paid for and everything." It's a little but not shockingly PA and I think they do need a bit of a kick.

They are pathetic excuses

I'd be telling them to fuck off and they'd be out of my life

Life is too short
Real friends don't drop out of a special birthday for those reasons

I really don't get people sometimes

Based on those 'reasons', I would probably send them back a reply something along the lines of

"Oh, that is disappointing that you won't be there to help me celebrate my milestone birthday. It's a pity that you didn't let me know earlier as I have catered and pre-paid based on the "Yes" replies that I received, yours being one of them. Anyway, if you can't make it, you can't make it. Thanks for letting me know".

It's about as subtle as a brick right now but you're disappointed that your first set of friends are backing out with pretty feeble excuses. I realise that people get tired from lack of sleep but if you've agreed to show up at a friends birthday celebration, couldn't you find an hour or two for them and then try to catch up on your sleep??

Absolutely this.

You need to reduce by another 5-6 closer to the time with seasonal illness and last minute emergencies. That is my experience.

So you either go ahead with 14/15 and be prepared for that or you switch what you are doing to a dinner or similar. Or the option to send out a relaxed message to work colleagues, other friends and neighbours.

It is worth just being prepared for worse case scenario op. Then you can plan accordingly.

I am sorry your friends are struggling to make your party but at least you are looking at it now ( and not with 6 hours to go!)

You need to cancel and just shrug off the 50% charge as I bet more will sadly cancel. Just go out for drinks with those who are coming, no need for a room to yourselves.

Going forward I'd try to relax a bit. Using phrases like gut punch, makes me feel not important and big milestone birthday is all a bit ott.

Of course we like to celebrate things but life does get in the way.

For other celebrations just have a do at home and then it gives those who want to the option to go out afterwards with you.

I'm sorry 'not being a fan of parties' or being flaky is no excuse

I don't care how much you hate a party, if it's a good friend you make the effort even for a couple of hours

These moments count in life and if you can't even make that effort you're a bit of a cunt

Nothing surprises me with people. Another post a while ago questioned why people dont organise parties like the old days - well this!!! Can you send a note to those who havent cancelled to say, 'just confirmed final numbers with the venue for Saturday getting excited now - cant wait to see you to celebrate with me!!! - not asking them to reconfirm and therefore offering them a get out card if they are thinking of cancelling! If its a minimum spend you wont be able to cancel now anyway I suspect so enjoy and dont get too stressed. Maybe time to re-think some of your 'friends' ?

That's crappy OP, people really shouldn't think it's ok to rsvp yes when they mean maybe.

I wouldn't message them that you feel hurt as them getting defensive, gossiping or coming under duress will make you feel worse.

I'd send a carefully worded message to the people you're still expecting.

"Hi, can I double check you're still coming on Saturday? Sorry to chase but I've had a good few last minute cancellations and I'm feeling stressed about it now. I considered cancelling and booking somewhere smaller but it's too short notice to get a full refund now. "

When they respond (I'd imagine with yes of course still coming, what poor behaviour) you can tell them you're hurt and it appropriate suggest they invite along a sibling or other friend you know through them as there will be space now.

Don't say that you're hurt to the ones not coming, just put them out of your mind. Few people have 28 very close friends so if they're not your closest friends just put it down to flakiness or people being a bit thoughtless/anti-social. Not everyone loves parties, and at least they told you instead of just being no-show, even if some of their excuses sound a bit lame.
Tbh I can see how the following might stop people coming:
Baby not sleeping - they could be totally exhausted
Husband breaking arm - he might not be able to do much for himself, she might not like going places without him (some people don't like going to things alone)
Pregnant and feeling tired - could be completely exhausted and not able for night time events
Forgot and didn't get babysitter - well, life can be hectic and sometimes people are disorganised
Same with the work stress - I know so many people who just can't face big noisy evening events.

And yes, invite more people who you think might want to come. And then just determine to have a good time no matter what, don't get hung up on this.

Send them replies like this if you want to lose all your friends!

It is disappointing but it really isn't unusual. Just let it go.

I think they’re not good mates if it’s to celebrate a 40th and they’ve been invited weeks in advance and accepted. I wouldn’t miss a mate’s party for any of those excuses, as I’d want to be there to celebrate with them.

I notice people late 30/early 40s (in general - of course tons of exceptions) seem much less sociable than older people. They seem more concerned with material things: career, home, decor, holidays etc. than having fun with friends. I reckon it’s because they were the first generation to have online options to socialise (Netflix and chill, gaming, social media) and were born in the 80s when owning stuff (then more recently showing it off on The Gram) started to get more important that having fun. Plus, they’re much more into fitness/body image and don’t tend to drink so much alcohol or stay up so late.

Oh, that is disappointing that you won't be there to help me celebrate my milestone birthday
Only say this if you want to sound like a totally self-centred princess. Say 'sorry your baby isn't sleeping, you must be exhausted. Hope you get some sleep' or 'sorry to hear about your work stress, but as the venue is paid for now on the basis of the numbers I thought were coming, do please feel free to pop in for a while as it would be lovely to see you'