People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

It must be that the flakes have never hosted themselves. Literally had a big birthday party yesterday was soooo stressed beforehand when I sent my “just checking” messages and the dropouts began. Thankfully have enough local friends who are fabulous party people. Made me laugh that my teens thought I was worried about gate crashers 😀😀.i wish!

This isn't helpful now but I'd always build flakiness into any budget for minimum spend, and make sure I was OK for at least 20% of yes-RSVP'd guests not to attend. I'm like you, I never drop out unless absolutely unavoidable, but I think Covid made people flakier - some never got used to going out again! If it's a bar and not a meal, could you get a few cocktails/champagne or bar snacks to hit the minimum? Assuming you didn't have to pay venue hire on top of the minimum, it's not too bad if you pay a bit more than you usually would just for drinks.
20 people is still a great party, I'd send a reminder text but wouldn't open up an opportunity for further flaking.

Try to invite a few extra work/mum friends or friends of friends to also be prepared for last minute sickness bugs and more dropouts!

Go ahead with it. 20 is still a good number for a fun night. I think it's the norm to take a hit with these sort of do's you put on anyway.

I had a 60th party and basically invited everyone plus some - around 15 people didn't turn up (no real excuses just couldn't be arsed for whatever reason) but the 45 who did come all made an effort (fancy dress) and we had a blast.

It was fun to organise, but stressful when you think no one will show!

The excuses your mates have given are a bit pathetic - but I say go ahead with it and have a great time.

Very similar trajectory for my 50th leafy! Dh was aghast at the number I invited but in the end I had enough for a banging party - but only just enough. Fortunately was at home so not a per head outlay.

Ah I'm so sorry to hear this - I had similar for my 40th a couple of years ago, invited twice as many people as I thought would come and spent a lot of money. There were still about 35 people there so not tiny but I would have just taken everyone out for dinner if I'd known rather than booking a venue, getting lights and a DJ etc. And everyone had fun and made a real effort but it was still hard dealing with all the messages flooding in last-minute. In retrospect I would have sent a slightly guilt-trippy message to everyone individually beforehand saying how much I was looking forward to seeing them and that I'd had a lot of people pull out and would have to cancel if any more declined, and that I'd paid for drinks etc. But obviously not phrased quite like that 😂 I think if people knew what a big impact it was having on you they would make more of an effort. And message all your friends who have pulled out as well saying something similar but that you hope they can join even if it's just for an hour or so. 40ths are really tricky as so many people have babies (in my friendship group anyway!) but I'm hoping by the time I hit 50 everyone will be up for a party again...

Also, I know it's really hard but try not to take it personally! It's much harder to get people out these days, they're still your friends. Sometimes people are just a bit crap.

Honestly what is going through these peoples minds? I’m not perfect but hell would freeze over before Dh and I drop out of a friends event we had previously committed to. Shame on them.

A friend had this before, always seems to be a concertina affect. A few of her friends who were close to each other pulled this. Had one pull out for whatever reason and then all the others had some last minute emergency too.

If you have others you could invite, I would definitely look to invite them. I can't see someone being offended about being offered free food and some rounds of drinks. I would certainly hope not anyway, we all have friends that aren't massively close so it might be an unexpected surprise.

Alternatively, you could mention to your friends who are coming, I have x number of spaces due to some pulling out, please feel free to bring along a friend.

Organised parties/events are stressful, I hope nobody else pulls out OP.

Slightly mystified by the idea of not any people having 40th birthday parties, I certainly did, though it's true that pretty much everyone had a 50th so maybe there were fewer.

@sellotape12

I think this is has happened far more post Covid. My friend and I arranged something this weekend - 6 of us, and we were the only 2 who made it. And the excuses from the others were crap. We still went out and had a great time.

1. Could you extend the invitation to any friends/partners of those who are coming? Ask if they want to bring a guest?

2. If you feel like you need to fill the room a bit, people like games : table football? a larger size Jenga or connect 4? Balloons, I’ve see bubbles at a ‘grown up’ party. Section off an area as a ball pit. I’ve seen large size Kerplunk, you can get a smaller size table tennis that just goes on a table top.

3. If you feel it’s best to change venue, then you could just take the 50% hit and put the other 50% towards a restaurant meal/different bar where it’s not a private area : and guests pay the rest?

Happy Birthday, and I’m sure you’ll have a great time!!

I think this and the CoL is probably the main reason.
It's not just getting there, a sitter, it's something to wear, a gift, taxi if drinking.
If I'm being honest, at the end of the week I just want to go home, have a bath and watch Corrie not plaster a smile on my face and talk to even more people.

I think I’d reply based on the reason and how close I was to the person but could you perhaps send an understanding response but that keeps the invite open to them?

e.g
pregnant and tired/baby isn’t sleeping - appreciate how tiring it can be, would love to see you if you feel up to it on the day

husband broken arm - That’s a real shame was loved to have you there. Feel free to come without X if he’s not up to it

etc. They do sound like quite flaky reasons to cancel a week in advance tbh

I hate flakes and they are all too common these days. With parties, I've learnt that people are much more likely to attend if it's in your home (and therefore free of charge). Secondly if it's in the daytime as people are less tired and transport is easier. Something like an afternoon barbecue is always a sure fire winner so that people can bring children if they can't get childcare. I know that's not practical in October but you can have parties ahead or after a big birthday and then just celebrate with nearest and dearest on the day.

Ps
Do not contact people and expect them to come" for an hour"
Just don't
You have no idea what's going on in people's lives and it isn't up to you to make that call

this many cancellations a week in advance?

reckon on that figure increasing swiftly as week goes on

It's too late for this now, but I'd stay start being more choosy with your friendships. When I meet people if they are 20 minutes late, or they flake on something, or they say they "might" come to something I don't pursue the friendship anymore. Same it people don't reciprocate the effort to host. I've done this maybe the last 6/7 years and it might seem harsh but I'd say the "quality" of my friends has gone up massively.

I wouldn’t regard cancelling a week in advance as “flakey”

I'd tell myself that those that are meant to be there will be and I'd look closer at the friendships with the ones who've cancelled. Maybe it's time for a little autumnal clean up. The amount of people won't necessarily make for a good party, it's the people who show up because they want the best for you and they want to celebrate with you. Those are the people who matter, have a great time!

To be honest I have learned that a party with lots of people is not always fun for the host. With so many people it’s difficult to spend time with all the people you invite and can be hard work. 20 people is plenty and may be more fun for you.

It is flaky if you've already committed. Being tired a week before is not a valid reason. Having a broken arm is not a valid reason - legs still work? People are so selfish these days.

There was a thread on here last week about childrens parties and everyone was unanimous that if you've said yes to the party the children don't get to change their mind about going. It should be the same as adults.

I had people flake out of my wedding a few days before. They're no longer friends.

Ask your 4 very good friends to bring a plus one or two, at the very least you'll have enough head count, you might even make some new friends!

I will definitely be valuing / strengthening friendships with those that came and were fab guests.

Initiated and organised a trip for one group recently who all bailed bar one. They can organise their own trip next year I’ll be going with the newer friends who showed up for me.

@He11oKitty

OP, we were told by our wedding venue that about approximately 75% of people you invite will come

• We had the opposite. Lots of people who DH knows came to our reception who weren't invited. Such a weird thing to do.

A commitment to a party
and then 7 days in advance you know you won’t be able to make because

You are pregnant and have recently been falling asleep at 6pm exhausted so know that a party is unrealistic and want to give good notice
or
Your baby is up multiple times a night and you’re feel like a zombie for know that a party is unrealistic and want to give good notice

Nope, i don’t regard this as flakey

Think of it like this:

It has cost you more to spend the time with friends who care about you.