People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

Don't worry about the people who dropped out.

Focus on enjoying more with slightly fewer people. And no harm in adding in a few casual invites to people you like but aren't so close. When there's that many people anyway nobody will know they're a 'filler'. Surely they'll be happy to be invited? Worst they can do is politely decline.

If there's less people you could just have some posher drinks. Or maybe a bit more food. Any food can always come home in a doggy bag. No shame in that.

Just enjoy it with the people that will be there. It sounds like quite a big crowd anyway. So sometimes you can't really even talk to everyone properly when there's more than about 20.

Happy birthday! Being 40 is awesome btw X

On the one hand it is very generous of you to host, and thoughtful of you to invite people. I love being invited.

On the other hand - no people means no party!

I always try to keep that in mind when planning things.

We expect an awful lot from guests nowadays - not at all saying that you are in this instance OP, just in general.

At a certain age, when our friends start to have babies who turn into children, the juggle of never enough time kiss in. Never enough time to be a great employee, a great spouse, a great parent or a great friend.

Everything is bloody expensive, especially Time.

And for better or for worse things get cancelled.

Always expect a 60 -70% return on invites.

Always expect a big chunk of those to cancel last minute.

But most important I think, change how you do a party for the time being.

PS - a very happy birthday to you. 😀🌹🌺

Just send and invite out on WhatsApp

‘Hey, How are you? I see you haven’t responded to my invite for Saturday, just checking if you can come it’s X at Y time - love to see you and Z if you can make it.’

You may get a few more then.

Sorry OP, this sounds so stressful. I’m 40 soon and have just organised dinner for 6 people and an overnight stay in a city so I can see a band on my birthday. I’ve deliberately kept it low-key because people are so flakey. Are you able to cancel and do the same if you’re feeling anxious about it all?

Yeah I am done organizing anything with more than 4-5 people. People are so incredibly flaky these days.

Everybody in my large extended family had big 40th birthday parties - most were surprise parties.
I spent my 40th walking my dog along the irrigation canal behind my house.
It just reinforced my feelings that siblings were unconcerned about much of anything but themselves, and that all the effort I put into family was not worth it.
Have your party. Appreciate the people who attend and stop worrying about the people who don’t.
The people who love you will be there and you should be happy that 20 people are there.
20 people who love you is a blessing.

I sympathise, OP.

I must say, however, the standard line on mumsnet is "it's an invite, not a summons", and tends to be quite dismissive of any obligation to turn up to things. This is the flip side of that!

This line is typically used together with "just say no", not with "answer yes and cancel the last moment".

I agree people are incredibly quick to cancel these days. I think it's because you no longer have to go to the effort of writing a letter or phoning or going to tell someone (ie the invention of texts/emails). It's just so quick and almost impersonal for the sender they no longer have time to perspective take.

It's the biggest reason I'm not having a party for my big birthday. I wouldn't have that many people to invite so it would hurt me if they didn't show up and sour friendships. Sorry OP.

You'll still have a great time with everyone that's there

It'll be fine

Don't cancel

Once you've all had a couple of drinks you'll just enjoy yourselves like any night out

No one is judging you on how many people turn up or not

Stuff comes up, peoples plans change.
Pregnant lady def gets a guilt free out.
So does broken arm.
As for the couple with the not sleeping baby, both are probably knackered from all the broken sleep, and not "well" enough for a piss up party, also both want to be home to help eachother with baby. So right off 4 of the 8 aren't unreasonable to cancel. Passport if needed urgently and it's the only appointment available cannot be helped. Person who can't find childcare again, cannot be helped. Booking 4 weeks ago was way too early, and if with a weeks notice nobody they trust with their child is available, that's just unfortunate.
Work stress/travel, also i think fair enough. A few of my friends are really struggling with awful work environments atm and are barely getting out of bed their MH is so shot.
Asking them to cover costs as a PP suggested would be unreasonable and cheeky.

Yes, people have provisionally RSVP'ed a yes, but its not a binding contract to attend. They have the right to back out at any time for any reason, and you may well have a few on the day who had every intention of coming, wake up and just really don't feel like they can face it for whatever reason, or who might get ill etc.

If you're not prepared to make up the cost yourself of however many invited don't come, then yes, cancel and downsize.

Honestly though, isn't it supposed to be the party thrower who pays for the venue and all food/drink? Sounds like you were hoping for a free/cheap celebration of you covered by the alcohol costs your invitees paid on the night to cover the costs of hire and catering, which is pretty cheeky imo.

That is hard. Could be because money is tight for many people at the moment. Hiring babysitters and travelling can add up to quite a bit. They may want to come but needs must. It seems that the last few weeks have been a rude awakening for people and finances. Many of us are expending in the absolute necessary.

I’m sorry OP. Happy birthday first of all.

I think like many has posted on here, people can be flakes.

I know this scenario would happen to me and I’ve had people cancel on me in the past. I keep it low-key now, celebrate with immediate family and DH and DC only.

You will have an extra great time with the friends who do come. Focus on the positive. It is not even personal, though I know it feels that way. In the future, undercount by 10% to accommodate for all this nonsense. Happy Birthday!

I have a significant birthday after Christmas and I'm not having a party because of this reason. I've decided to spend 2025 celebrating with different groups of people each month. I've booked a spa one month, an afternoon tea on my actual birthday & a theatre trip with my cousin another month.

So I've got 12 little celebrations to look forward to each month with different people instead.

Personally, husband broken arm and need to stay home is the ONLY decent one assuming they have small children.

I'm sorry, op. People can be shit at times.

Though hopefully you won't get anymore and will be celebrating your birthday with the people who actually care!

OP, don’t cancel your party! 8-10 dropping out of a 28 person guest list is normal/expected.

The broken arm one is the only legit "excuse" but it's the husband, right? So your friend still could come...

Sorry that friends can be a bit shut sometimes OP.

I hope you have a lovely birthday regardless. 🎂

I would invite more people, OP.
It’s a birthday party… not a wedding.

Sorry OP, I'd be hurt too. I don't think its desperate to tell people you're upset. I think friends should make an effort regardless of being tired/busy/whatever (who isn't!) for an event that's meaningful to you. Okay yes if you actually come down with an illness, that can't be helped, but I hate this new trend that its ok to flake and let people down because you don't feel like because "self care" or whatever. But let me not get on my soapbox. I'd go ahead with the event and also send a short message to thos who cancelled letting them know you are disappointed. Maybe they need to hear it.

I completely and utterly disagree with @AlmostAJillSandwich : "Stuff comes up, peoples plans change."

Only if op isn't a priority to them. All the excuses are really weak. Of if you can't be bothered, or decide to take up a later offer, or just don't really care. If you did care you'd move heaven and earth and investigate every possibility, even if it only meant showing up for an hour.

The husband with a broken arm can't be left? At all? It's not even an overnight stay. The woman could drive, eat and drink non alcoholic and then drive home again. She'd be gone for about 2 hours. I'm sure a man can cope!

Firstly op this is not you, this is just how it is these days. I have been to several parties with less than 50% attendance. It is extremely upsetting and embarrassing for the host. Many of my friends have just stopped hosting altogether.

In your place I wouldn’t risk more pulling out which is very likely, you will get more. I would switch to a sit down dinner and then it can be a small dinner party instead. Can the venue you have booked help with that? Decorate the room with candles and turn it into a much more intimate space.

The problem with inviting more people is the notice, I imagine most people will be busy. And you might end up with more cancellations closer to the time.

The stress of hosting your ‘celebration has really been marred by some of your friends. Yes they can cancel, and for the ones with real reasons it might be acceptable. But not booking a babysitter etc is really thoughtless. I would be downgrading the friendship, because turning up for a milestone birthday is not optional if you are good friends. One of them could come anyway and make the effort without a babysitter..

Save your party by changing it into something more low key and not reliant on numbers. Have fun with the people that love you and have prioritised your night. Focus on them op. Your real friends.
.