People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

"oh that's such a shame you can't come now, and to think I have already paid £x for food for you! Would you mind covering that/contributing to that as you can't make it now, I wouldn't have counted you if I had known you couldn't make it...."

Obviously extenuating circumstances are different.

I really don't see the harm in asking flakey people. Friends help friends, no?

Or are you all talking about barely known acquaintances?

I've never been to an adult birthday party where people have been asked to contribute towards food so I suppose that's where I'm coming from. Usually where I'm from, parties are in a pub, it's finger food and sandwiches paid for by either the publican or the host of the party, and people buy their own drinks. I personally would never ask my own friends to contribute to this, whether they were attending or not. I'd pay for it myself!

But we're only talking here about the OPs situation, where money has already been fronted for catering based on the people who had said yes to attend. I'm not suggesting asking friends "hey come to my party, that'll be £10 a head please for food so you can come".

Ok then.... If I was the OP, I would say to myself "the food I've ordered will cost X amount of money, I will pay for that myself". And regardless of who shows up I would know that that bill is mine to pay.

Her friends are flaky, the excuses are pathetic, it's really shit they've made OP feel this way, she shouldn't cancel and deserves to have a nice night, but I still wouldn't ask them to foot the bill that I was happy to pay if they were attending.

You can’t ask them to foot the bill or challenge their reasoning. That lurches into being abit weird category. Totally get why you would want to though.

I organised a small get together at one of those mini lodges for my 30th due to the suggestion of a “friend” she lived quite close to the park. The split cost between everyone was £50, 2 days before she said she would just drive and stay at home, 4 of the other girls agreed and because they weren’t staying at the lodge didn’t pay. So it cost me an extra £250. People are flakey and selfish so I’ve always just done small things for my birthday and stuck to those who I know won’t let me down. My own SIL flaked out of both my birthday and a few years later my baby shower 🤷🏽‍♀️

You really can't do that. It's so weird.
And how miserable for the OP to spend time assessing the 'extenuating circumstances'. Should she ask for medical certs?

Asking for a contribution to cover their own flakiness is not asking them to foot the bill. Agree, the latter would be weird.

That would be ridiculous.

Crikey. I don't think I've had 28 friends in my entire life - total! Including all my childhood friends. I turned 40 in August and spent it doing laundry 😳

Is it normal these days to arrange your own birthday party? I've never had a birthday party so I wouldn't know!

I feel sad and angry on your behalf, OP. You were brave and generous and optimistic, and too many people are lazy, ungrateful shits who don't deserve people like you.

Hands down the worst advice I've ever read in this place! She'd come across as a complete sad act.

I too would think someone was unhinged if they sent me that message, especially if I happened to have a broken arm, be pregnant or other issues and gave a week’s notice!

Totally agree

and the follow up comment I'm an upfront kinda person made me chuckle 😆

I'd still go ahead. You'll have fun even if just half turn up. Enjoy your special evening. Hope you have fun.

I bet that felt jolly😬

😆

Well, this is the kind of request that people really take the wrong way sometimes; really take offence and you loose the friendship over.

Yeah, I'd be re-evaluating the passport friendship at least, but sometimes people have stuff going on in their lives that they don't want to tell you yet.

It's very unlikely that anyone will pay it, and the very small portion of the cost that you'd recoup isn't worth the social damage

Yeah...absolutely do not contact the no-shows to recoup your costs. The poster who suggested it wouldn't do that herself in a million years.

Apparently @JumpstartMondays haa actually done it!

I can’t imagine how many times this poster has been discussed over dinners as the person who charged people for not coming to her party, when she’d given no indication that she would be doing so on the invite or indeed any idea of the cost involved

Id have framed that request for payment!

Do not ask the no showers for them to give you the money back. That’s just strange

I agree. If a friend of mine asked me to pay for a party that I didn’t attend the simple result would be that I’d never EVER agree to go to any event she arranged ever again. You cannot issue people with an invoice fgs- it won’t make them respect you more either- it will just piss them off and make them wary of ever arranging anything with you ever again.

Id also tell them where they could shove their invoice. I can can be just as “upfront” 🤣

Bloody hell.

Whoever said anything about invoices?! Again, that would be ridiculous.

My comment/suggestion/input is been twisted to fit whatever narrative you want to make. That's fine. It's an open forum after all. Invoices. Footing the bill. Paying for a party you didn't attend. Whatever entertains you! Traybake believes to have seen an invite and presumably been invited as well? Again, whatever floats your tea-leaves.

To the OP, sorry your friends are being flakey. Sorry posters here aren't being all that helpful. Enjoy your birthday. (Hopefully not with anyone from this thread 😂)!

A few have said to do this! If it's not too far from me, I'll come!