People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

That's very inconsiderate of them,OP, but I do think it happens more often than not. I myself have been there, in a different context, but still...if I were in your shoes, I'd change plans and do something more low-key, but I understand the frustration of planning it all, just to not go through with it. An option would be to invite other people, as suggested by some people here. It might be last minute, but at least you won't have to cancel, especially this being your 40th. Whatever happens, enjoy it to the fullest, your happiness is what really matters!

Does the venue have a slightly smaller room? Same costs obvs, but perhaps it will look better from a guests-filling-the-room point of view?

Sorry this has happened. It’s really shit. I would be fairly cold with the flakes from now on.

This is really sad.

Just here to say happy birthday!
Have a great night and know that the real circle is always quite small.. so whoever turns up is super important to you and you to them. Reframe it that way.. and have fun. X

I would try not to take it personally though really hard not to. I genuinely think since covid people flake far more - I’m yet to understand why but people are far more likely to flake major events now when they wouldn’t previously. Would love a think piece on it tbh 😂! But honestly plow on, enjoy your birthday and don’t go to theirs 😉 x

@sellotape12 my dh is 70 next year and he would go to his dd's 40th and will when it happens in 3 years. So don't rule out your dps and their mates.

Is it food and drinks @sellotape12? And would people be paying for both or just drinks?

I wouldn't worry too much about the minimum spend if it's £1000. If you get 20 that's only £50pp which is very easily spent on drinks at a bar - cocktails are easily £10-15 each for example so across the course of an evening it adds up. Of course not everyone will drink loads but if you've got a few big party goers then that will make a big dent in the bar spend.

Even if you have another few drop out try not to be disheartened. If you need to up the spend a bit to meet the minimum budget then maybe splash out on a couple of fancy bottles of champagne to treat yourself and your friends. Not unlikely that your guests might also do similar to toast you properly.

This happened to my 30! Hired hall, DJ, Catering, decorations etc etc. Had a good number coming then all of a sudden everyone just started dropping out and then loads more on the night. It was just family and a few work colleagues in the end. I was so disappointed but made the most of it. It was such a waste of money and food.

if I was you I would cancel and maybe book a meal to go out with the definites.

Why? You'd said yes originally.

Who TF cancels so last minute and thinks that's ok?

@JumpstartMondays

read your suggestion again

would you actually do that?

How upsetting. But don't cancel!
I like the suggestion that now some 'duty' invitees have dropped out, you can invite others you'd like to be there.
Don't despair, and have a lovely birthday!

Yes. Have done. Would do again.

Miraculous how many people actually could make it after all.

Ha! Plenty thanks. The actual friends, real ones that respect me enough to turn up when they realise they'd put me out of pocket if they were flakey. And you? Not so many I'm guessing.

but unless the op said in the invite that there was a minimum spend and to give an indication that a cancellation during the week before the party would mean the invited person would be liable to contribute

You can’t then throw it on them

heavens! 😦

I'd love to know what these "friends" say about you behind your back 🤣 @JumpstartMondays

I agree with @traybake81 unless they already knew in advance that they would be paying toward the cost of the party, you really can't turn around and ask them for a contribution to the overall cost. And anyway, OP has no idea how much it's going to cost. Everyone who attends could end up covering the minimum spend fee and nobody would owe anything.

On the night, if it looks like you may not reach the necessary numbers, post here and dm selected members with the postcode of the bar...

Hope it goes well.

I don’t think you sound strange at all for enjoying a last minute party where you don’t know many people. Sign of a good party-goer, that.

I agree OP, my advice would be invite extra (local people) last minute. Spontaneous parties are the best and there’s some weird psychological thing going on that people are somehow more enticed if invited last-minute (baby-sitting permitting). I think they get a bit devil-may-care about a sudden opportunity to let their hair down. I wouldn’t be offended at all by a last minute invite, even if I knew it’s because others have dropped out and I’m a makeweight. It’s still a party.

I think the key to a good party is inviting people who enjoy parties.

Please don’t OP
It is your 40th
You will enjoy no matter what
but really no need to do this

Don't cancel OP! Milestone birthdays are important and you deserve to celebrate! I know it must be disappointing but try to reframe it and look forward to a great night with your closest friends. Maybe ring them for a chat and talk about the party and let yourself get all excited again. People cancelling puts a dampener on it but I'd try to let it go and just focus on the fun you're going to have.

I'd also definitely invite parents, I'm sure they'd be thrilled to be there. I've been to lots of 40ths with parents there and their friends and it's been great! Ditto some other social groups- maybe the school mums if you're friendly? Something like I'm having a little do this weekend for my 40th so please feel free to pop down if you're free.

The flaky friends are shit but we've all got them. Life does have a way of showing you who people are sometimes so I know it's a bit crap but at least you know who you can count on. I know now from experience who is likely to flake and who won't so I just give the same energy back. I've still got friendships with some 'flakes' but they wouldn't be my priority.

I think good idea to send a breezy message saying can't wait to see you and to celebrate with you on Saturday to those who are coming and the idea of buying some champagne if you need to reach the spend is a good one. I hope you have a brilliant time xx

I couldn't read this and not reply. It's horrible and flaky of people and o think these days, so easy to duck out of stuff. I'm sorry you'll potentially have to pay for this. If there's chance to cancel and go smaller and more intimate then I would do that - depending on layout of the venue.
And if you have to spend the money then spend on gorgeous champagne and have a lovely time.

I didn't say it would be an easy conversation! It isn't throwing it on them if you ask them to contribute to cover the losses, it would be throwing it on them if you expect them to contribute to cover the losses. You can but ask. They can but say no.

So how would it go down exactly..... "Sorry would you mind paying me for the drinks you would've bought on the night as I have to meet a minimum spend??"....

😂 doesn't everyone want to know that about themselves to some extent?!

Like I replied to traybake. You can ask, they can say no.

If you don't ask you'll never know and just have to suck up the loss and be miserable about it and grumpy to your friends. Resentment may harbour.

But I'm an upfront kinda person, I'll be honest with my friends and set out the situation to them. I'd rather do that than moan about them on the internet.