People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

It will only be 20 if not a single person more cancels

which is… unlikely

Please don't cancel.

You should respect the people that are coming, that should mean a whole lot more than the flaky people.

I was really offended when a friend cancelled a meet up on the day because the people coming weren't obviously good enough.

Happy birthday!

I’m honestly not so sure.😬 I think getting that would prompt me to cancel before the “ window closed” for fear of something going wrong. And all the talk about rattling round an empty room is hardly an enticing prospect. It would put me off - especially the feeling that I was completely and utterly roped in past this juncture. Things happen. Just keep it all sounding celebratory op. No one wants to be roped ( nay, chained !) into a party that sounds like others are already running from.

20 is still a great number! But I absolutely see why you are very disappointed. It's very very poor form of your friends.

I have a 19th century etiquette book kicking around somewhere that took accepting invitations VERY VERY seriously, and says (only slightly tongue in cheek!) that if you DIE before attending a dinner party you had committed to, your executor should attend in your place, as leaving a hostess scrambling for filler guests or redoing the seating plan was the the utter depth of rudeness.

To be honest you're lucky if you have one or two genuine friends by middle age. The rest are all filler who you may/may not be lucky enough to have. Who cares if you're popular?! Being popular is a superficial thing. It doesn't make you a better or more valuable person. It doesn't make you a kinder or more loyal friend. It simply means you're appealing to the lowest common denominator in some way. We aren't apes in the trees any more. You will survive if you have 1 or 100 friends. Honestly, you will find much more happiness nurturing a couple of really good friendships than obessing over having dozens of people to come to a party every few years or plaster all over instagram. Not to be mean but this is kindof something you ought to learn at 12 not 40.

Sorry to hear this. I think people are generally flaky these days. A friend had booked a large hall for her 60th and about half cancelled. Shame you have to bear the cost but a smaller group can have just as much fun as a larger group. I hope you enjoy your evening.

It's so sad isn't it that things people used to look forward to are now things people just can't wait to cancel on?

I guess it's so much easier to just stay home nowdays and put Netflix on and scroll instagram or whatever - maybe not the same level of boredom in being at home that there used to be, which made people look forward to social events?

I see so many threads on here even about children not showing to each others' parties, it's just such a shame. Friends are so important in life.

OP, it’s shit - I’m sorry. People really are so flakey these days. I always over invite when I’m having a party as I assume around a third will drop out - sad but true.

one idea re the venue, if you end up with fewer people could you convert it to a sit down dinner around a table? Would help with min spend and would feel more intimate with smaller numbers. Don’t know if it’s possible but worth enquiring?

The OP would be rattling around if people keep cancelling - that is the point! All she would be asking is that people keep to their "yes", not view it as a "yes if I can be bothered".

And if you have said yes then you SHOULD feel roped in - though I would say "committed" is a better word - you have taken another person's spot so should go. Not much point in sending invites otherwise and asking people to reply - just send a "pop in if you feel like it" whatsapp message instead

I get the impression people just don't really ever think of bookings as solid anymore unless they have paid money towards it themselves?

The only thing where it's still 100% unacceptable to back out of is a wedding as people know money has been paid for them specifically - I feel like with parties etc people just don't consider them to be serious invites and they just show up if they're still free when the day rolls around. Don't know what we can do to change this though?

delete

Send message out to ALL again asking if anyone would like to bring a plus one as some friends have reneged at short notice. Three things might happen. The friends who have dropped out might reconsider, people who might be thinking that they can not come will put in extra effort to attend, and you will get a few extras due to the extra plus one invitations.

Sweet lord where have these feeble excuses come from ?
These excuses were sent a whole week before the event

• Work stress/ travel x2 -Ok travel might be one but work stress ? Its only Monday surely can work on improving that
• Got to go to the passport office(!) - Is this made up ?
• Baby isn't sleeping TTN (can't one of them come?) Yes one can come and show there face
• Husband has broken arm, need to stay home - Since when does a broken arm stop you going out ???
• Forgot and can't find a sitter (you had a printed invite 4 weeks ago) -Still plenty of time to find one
• Pregnant and feeling tired - Still a week away might feel different then

I get that you are feeling hurt - this is just bad manners and i would be so mad at them . i would keep what you had planned and make the most of the night

Oh no, really don't do this, especially if you're hung up on feeling 'popular'. Think of it from a guest perspective - people want to spend their precious free time and money on having a good time, not because they are shamed into it. Be light hearted and breezy, and just invite more people and really don't let this be the basis for your self esteem.

I would whats app some wxtra people. Dont make it look like an afterthought.

Hey its my big birthday on saturday and I have arranged .......
Really hope you can come. Let me. Know ASAP as I'm sorting the catering

I'd send a message to the others that they can't get out of "hi really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday, I've had a few drop out so really pleased you're still able to come"

I've just been to a friend's 50th - I remember it struck me as slightly 'light' on attendance, but we all had a grand time and there was a mix of family, work, and community friends there.

Reading this thread I've only just remembered that she sent out a message about a week ahead saying something along the lines of 'hey, this is a reminder if you RSVP'd and even if you didn't manage to RSVP or the first message got lost please come along we'd love to have you'. Wonder if she had been getting worried like you? Perhaps you send something similar to a slightly wider group?

I retract one bit - someone who had to fly in for the party I'd give a pass to and not have seriously expected them to come or judge them for changing their mind.

I flaked on a birthday abroad recently - like across the Atlantic abroad. Fine to invite me but I do hope that my friend was understanding about work and personal commitments and what that would have entailed, me coming for the weekend. We are not in the same financial space.

Did you RSVP Yes and then change your mind 6 days before though?

@HmAndAh do you get pleasure out of being a twat? What a nasty thing to say, and for what reason? Hope it makes you feel better.

I've never been to a 30th or 40th with parents/older generations in attendance too. I'm not sure that's typical for an evening bar type event.

How was this going to work financially? So you had a minimum spend, and you were going to make up xx of that by pre-ordering (and paying) for drinks and food and then the assumption was that with 28 odd people, you'd easily make up the rest?

Did people realise that you are providing food and some drinks? I only had one drop out at my 40th, but even that really pissed me off as I'd paid a fairly hefty per-head bill for food and welcome drinks at a restaurant. But in defense of the man who didn't turn up, it was obvious when his wife arrived and apologised for him that she had not realised it was going to be catered. She thought it was a bit more casual.

I'd be really annoyed. Depending on who these people were I'd probably be tempted to say something like, "I won't be able to get any of the deposit back and I still have to pay for your food" but to be honest, if you say that, the chances are you'll create a bad feeling. Although, having said that, I'd have a bad feeling with these people flaking too.

think quality over quantity - They’ve done you a favour, showed they are not worth being your friend. You can still have a great time with fewer, true friends.
at 40 onwards you realise who your true friends are.
Don’t cancel, instead have a great time with those that show up, bit costly but you wanted a party to mark the occasion so enjoy it ( it doesn’t happen every day).
happy birthday

I feel your pain Op. I think people are getting flakier than they used to be. I run a club that meets twice a month and we constantly have this problem. We schedule people to do specific roles in the meeting, so drop outs cause a lot of extra work. It seems that people think it's 'just them', not realising or thinking that it can be everyone who flakes out.