People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

It’s meant to be unseasonably warm next week so won’t be the weather

so the passport woman was actually going to fly over for your party?!

Op I think your focus has to be on the fact that your guests who want to celebrate with you don’t know anything about the cancellations. To them it’s all steam ahead and they will arrive in party mood, not knowing you didn’t always just ask a dozen.
Jusf hold your head high and let the thing be a success . People have smaller parties than yours which everyone enjoys. If you are feeling it’s glass half empty, it will drag the evening down .

One thing you could do if you worry about it feeling empty and the spend is cancel while you can and send an update that there was “ a difficulty” with the venue and its now here ( at x) instead. Keep the update light, bubbly and no one will be any the wiser and you can relax and enjoy.

Forgot to say, sibling lives abroad and we're not close. I didn't invite my parents as they're 72 and didn't think they'd like a trendy city centre bar :) MY very best friend is gutted to not be able to come as she is a bridesmaid that weekend for her sister which I knew about.

It's embarrassing! To look at me you'd think I was normal, popular, mum. But reading all these replies makes me realise it's a 21st century phenomenon. Friendships have become like teflon; hard to stick. And when you do try, people think it's OK to flake. We don't talk about this enough!

I think you’re right. Everything these days is so transactional, even dating. Being someone’s friend and saying you’ll be there to join their celebration to help make them feel special and appreciated shouldn't be seen as a non-binding contract. It’s about love and kindness.

Poeple are so flaky these days. I held my 40th at my house, all my friends had to do was turn up and so many dropped out the day before and on the day. I had organised lots of other friends 40th too. It still hurts 3 years on.
I think you should enjoy your evening whoever comes xx

Are your parents' ok with not being invited? they're only 72, and it's your 40th....maybe they'd be ok with a city centre bar for a couple of hours.

I agree.

The no-shows either have a genuine excuse in which case you will come across as a bit of a tantruming diva, or they don’t t, in which case they don’t really want to be there and don’t much care. You can’t be force an invitation: that’s inherent in the name. It’s an invitation not a summons.

There’s nothing whatsoever to be gained by chewing bits off then or trying to shame them for not coming. You’ll just turn the whole thing into a saga more like a 14th birthday than a 40th. You just have to take it like a grown up who realises they can’t tell the rest of the world what to do.

FWiw I’ve never gone to a party and counted the guests. If it was quite compact, I’d subconsciously assume that was intended and possibly feel more included and flattered:happy to be celebrating with you. What matters is the vibe not the head count.

Yes. Would have been better just to say he was ill and not go into details.

OP was the passport friend actually going to be flying in for the party

DON'T do this. People have the right to change their minds about going to a party if they're not up to it, and the right not to be interrogated about it.

They've made their excuses - which may be fibs anyway - for whatever reason. Maybe they can't afford a night out or babysitter? Maybe they're exhausted, maybe they just aren't that keen on big parties right now. Who knows? They've a right to their privacy.

The OP will not feel better in the long term by focussing on needling the people who say they can't come. She should put this behind her and just concentrate on having a good night out - invite more people if you're stuck with the venue, change the venue if you're going to be seriously out of pocket...and so on.

' to look at me you'd think I was normal, popular, mum'

I'm sure you are op, this does not reflect on you at all. Big birthdays are usually a family and friends combined do. You haven't done that, fine but it maybe was a bit optimistic thinking work mates and school mums would feel committed to attend.

If you can get out of the catering costs just take your 6 close friends for a meal and forget the party room.

You can’t be serious @lechatnoir

Don't feel personally embarrassed, honestly. Don't let this ruin your enjoyment - just put it down to one of those things and move on and enjoy your night with whoever is there. Tbh most birthday parties are just a night out for most people - not everyone thinks it's about support and celebrating an individual other than the person whose birthday it is. Don't take it personally whatever you do.

DO not judge your popularity by flake rate. That way madness lies.
Just assume that everyone is going through some shit and about 70% have social anxiety.

It’s beyond credibility. Can you imagine getting any of those responses!?

I swear it's the curse of the 40th. People are in their very worst phase of self importance and generally bore you to death with talk of their renovations or children's achievements. They're much too self-absorbed to show up for their friends' birthdays. But then magically, at 50, they have emerged like butterflies back into the world where others exist and matter and where they value making an effort to live.

Completely agree.

I'm so sorry OP, it's so rude to accept an invitation and then back out at the last minute. It happens and it's not that new a thing either. I'm mid 40s now but when I was turning 30 I had a party and invited a load of people. Some said they couldn't make it from the start which is absolutely fine, but I ended up with a fairly decent number who said they were coming and similar to you, booked a venue.
By the time the actual day arrived, I had 3 people who actually came (4 if you include me). I was so embarrassed and pretty upset. They were mainly crap excuses as well "forgot it was my late grandmas birthday so need to sit with my mum" "I'm a bit tired so I'm not coming" etc.

Even my then boyfriend flaked out on me as he said his sister might go into labour...why this meant you couldn't go to your girlfriend's 30th party for one evening is beyond me.

Same at my wedding, I had several people that accepted and then just never turned up, they didn't even bother with a crap excuse!

I eventually cut all of these people out of my life. The people who are worth your time and effort don't flake out of you for crap reasons.

Sorry, OP, but the way I look at it - if there is a party where I am expected to pay I try not to be flaky (and won't be to very close friend) but I consider it to be more an option to join than definite yes. I have been invited to numerous "parties" like that - if it is a close friend, I say yes and don't cancel unless emergency. If it is a workmate, mum friend, I would say - yay, great, but then go on with my life and if i can join I do, if not I send cancellation. For me it is more hanging out with big group of people whom I don't really know well and if I have to pay I don't feel my yes should be so firm. I never thought about deposit but then I still would assume you have enough people for deposit coverage. I am not saying I am right, but trying to give another perspective to people's Nos

I’d love @lechatnoir to come back!

I am in my 50s and people have got even flakier, if anything! They now have the excuse of the menopause.
I so appreciated this person who just said frankly to me " I am really skint and can't afford to go out at all because even the Tube fare is too much for me. ". I have now gone to hers the last couple of times. Which I don't mind.

I'm willing to talk about it.

My finding through my own experiences is that some people will turn out for those who offer them the most in terms of social status ,ie, those who are well connected or have prominence in the social hierarchy through fair means or foul. When people stand to miss out on something that secures their acceptance or involvement, they turn up. Other events, not so much.
This has nothing to do with who they actually like spending time with in person, it's fear, selfishness and time management.

It's the same when there is a rift between two members of the same friendship group. The group will often side with whoever has the higher social status, regardless of who they agree with.

Friendships and social events ought to be affirming and enriching but all too often the victim of poor treatment is left out in the cold.
We are cruel monkeys.

I wouldn't cancel OP, 20 is still a great number for a party.

I think you probably just have to bear in mind that those that are more casual acquaintances are more likely to drop out. School mums etc who are not close friends, or work colleagues who are more causal mates - I am not flaky at all and would never drop out if it wasn't necessary, but I have to admit if I were in either of those groups I wouldn't think a 40th hinged at all on me attending. I think most would imagine family and close friends would be the bulk of the guests.

Are the remaining 20 more solid friends/family?

Today is a good time to pre-empt anymore drop-outs.

I would send a text along the lines of -

"Hi X, I am just checking numbers for Friday as I have had a few unable to make it, despite originally saying yes ... so just checking you are definitely on as I don't want to be rattling around the room like a Billy-no-mates on Friday and eating the party food for weeks after 😁 so if you have a cold coming on Friday/no baby-sitter/ have to unexpectedly go and see great aunt Nora, please let me know today! Can't wait to see you x"

Then if they commit and DO flake, hopefully they will know they are in the "flakey/ won't bother inviting you again/I know you have made up a pathetic excuse" list

Recently had a big celebration with caterers charging per person. We also had to hire additional furniture. The people that flake are my family. So, I sent them a save the date, six months in advance, gave them an rsvp date one month ahead of the date I had to confirm numbers, then sent out a reminder. In between, in telephone conversations I would repeatedly tell them I was concerned about people not turning up. One family member didn’t reply, when contacted told me they might be doing something else that day and they would get back to me. They didn’t, when I contacted them again with just a week to go they told me they were bringing an uninvited person with them! The rest of them did turn up and left early but our friends realised why we don’t bother to invite them (family) to our parties.
OP enjoy your party and bugger the ones who drop out, you know not to invite them in the future.