People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

Well they have told the OP

It might well not be the truth but they’re hardly likely to say “well truth is, can’t be arsed”

This happened to me once when I was much younger. It's a really horrible feeling and you never quite get over it.

I've never had another gathering since as I wouldn't trust people to show.

I refuse to have any kind of event for exactly this reason. I'd find it so hurtful, and it would damage my relationship with the flakers from then on. Which frankly they deserve, given that so many of them simply couldn't be arsed to honour their commitments and have zero empathy for the impact on you.

The people who have cancelled Op… do they have a history of cancelling plans? or is this first time?

I sympathize OP, I had a similar situation at my 40th two years ago. Among those who cancelled, two of my best friends who accepted ended up not coming, one because “there is a train strike and my 1 hour drive from a nearby town might be longer because there is more traffic on the road😂

I had a smaller party and it was still great and people still comment on what a nice gathering it was.

I would definitely not cancel—you sent out invites in good time, please enjoy celebrating with those who come! Invite some extras if you can, but at the end of the day you can’t take responsibility for people being flaky, it’s not on you.

It’s why in the past I’ve always over invited knowing full well there will be some drop outs, the catering I get doesn’t depend on numbers so is easier to do. However, nowadays I prefer to spend the money going away somewhere really special with my husband to celebrate as I can’t be bothered with all the hassle of party arrangements and the stress.

This is what worries me about hosting parties and why I never do!

Such bad form to cancel without a proper genuine reason and most of those aren't IMO.

My friend hired a pub for her 50th and only about 20 people went to it, I felt so bad for her. Should have been about 60.

I think this has got worse since covid.

It's not you OP, people are massively flaky nowadays.

In my experience people are way less sociable since Covid plus as a society we are a LOT more self-centred so combine the 2 and I'm afraid it's inevitable people drop out and don't be surprised if a few more don't fall by the wayside. Definitely still go ahead and if you can, invite a few more (you can always say a little white lie that the venue has extended the numbers if it looks too last minute) but I'd also go back to the various people and shame them into at least considering their actions without overtly saying oi cheeky fucker you've let me down big time!

• Got to go to the passport office: oh that's a shame - what time is your appointment? Does this mean you'll miss the meal altogether but presumably still ok to join us for drinks after?
• Baby isn't sleeping: "That sounds tough but assume you'll come for the dinner as that's all booked but of course just duck out afterwards"
• Husband has broken arm, need to stay home: "gosh sorry to hear about DH but assume you'll still be coming as presumably he doesn't 24/7 care for an arm!"
• Forgot and can't find a sitter (you had a printed invite 4 weeks ago): "That's annoying but assume your DH will just stay behind and you can still come"
• Pregnant and feeling tired "Oh that sounds tough but assume you'll come for the dinner as that's all booked but of course just duck out afterwards"

Honestly pisses me off - I was stood up on Saturday night by 3 friends for similar shit excuses (only 5 of us going out!) so as you can tell I'm quite bitter about it 😬

two of my best friends who accepted ended up not coming, one because “there is a train strike and my 1 hour drive from a nearby town might be longer because there is more traffic on the road😂

are you still friends? @bluebunny1

My two best friends have been in my life for more than 30 years and we have supported one another through so much. I literally can not imagine either one doing this. A best friend?

can I say op this is a tricky one but at this point I would want to let the remaining guests know that you are feeling a bit sad about people cancelling!

Perhaps a little line saying - I've. paid for this party and looking forward to it and have had a few cancellations so hoping to see you all there?

@AlmostAJillSandwich: "Yes, people have provisionally RSVP'ed a yes, but its not a binding contract to attend. They have the right to back out at any time for any reason, and you may well have a few on the day who had every intention of coming, wake up and just really don't feel like they can face it for whatever reason, or who might get ill etc."

I thought this was very telling. Nowhere has OP said the RSVPs were "provisional", but this is the assumption. The party host is viewed almost as a service provider, with the "customer" entitled to pull out, despite having previously committed. Just awful.

OP I really feel for you. I would maybe see if you can downscale in some way, and I hope you have a wonderful evening with your real friends x

@coffeeafter yes we are, but only because I know that friend has a social anxiety and was probably kicking herself for accepting and looking for any excuse to drop out!

I was hurt at the time but now philosophical about it and diversified my friendship group 😂

Op thats awful. People so flaky now. I find I dont trust as much now. Yes maybe check numbers who going. Would def say you felt hurt as this crap behaviour should be pointed out

You really cannot push people like this. It isn't nice when people drop out but interrogating them and offering solutions is desperate and cringeworthy Just take it with good grace.

I've been on both sides, I've experienced people cancelling things and have done so myself. It isn't the end of the word. Plan accordingly. If you have a wide circle of solid friends and family great, have a big party. If you have a small circle of people you see only now and then, don't.

No, not all 28 are 'friends' as it was a mix of my work mates, school friends as I grew up nearby and some school mums - but that number included their partners. Five weeks ago they were all "wooo yeah I'll book a babysitter".

If it gets down to like 6 actual friends I'll be red-faced cos the a) the venue will look empty which is sad, and b) I'll still have to foot most of the minimum spend bill which will be about £1000 (unless people who do come spend a lot on drinks!)

I really don't know how to play it. Part of me thinks that each Flake hasn't realised that dropping out like this causes an emotional and financial cost. Part of me thinks they do know and hiding behind online communication is a get-out. I'm sorry to hear that so many of you experienced similar things with 50ths and so on. It's horrible! We are social creatures, humans are meant to socialise and know they're bonded with others. Wish parties didn't exist.

the ones that have cancelled

are they “friends”

if so, have they cancelled in the past or this first time?

op the ones that have cancelled giving a week’s notice are the considerate ones

as it gets closer, you’ll inevitably get more

was that the one who didn’t want to drive through traffic?

They're all separate people from different circles. Some are new friends (last 2 years of school) so that huuuurts. But people I get coffee with once a week.

Passport woman has a habit of cancelling, yes. Lives the other side of the country. Said she'd booked a flight which I now don't believe.

Husband Broken Arm No Kids is a bit flighty, but loves a party herself. We always go.

Not sure the others do usually cancel, no, they're quite reliable. I don't know if it's cos the weather has changed dramatically and they're hoping to duck out but I think people don't realise it's a private/ hired party - it comes with planning and cost. You wouldn't back out of a wedding 6 days before without a really solid excuse.

@coffeeafter yes it was:)
the other one had a childcare issue
honestly I think things got worse post covid, even well emotionally regulated people find it hard to leave the house so I sympathize. But also sympathize with the OP who feels it is like a kick in the gut.

'No, not all 28 are 'friends' as it was a mix of my work mates, school friends as I grew up nearby and some school mums - but that number included their partners.'

But if workmates and school mums were invited they would presume they weren't the core numbers they probably guessed you were having close friends and family too, maybe 50 or so, so if they dropped out it wouldn't matter? Try not to take it so hard. Have you paid upfront for catering and drinks or can you get out of that just maybe have the room? If there a band or any other entertainment?

So people see it as a party where you provide the buffet and they pay for their own drinks?

I'm not sure they realised when confirming that dropping out later will cost you extra money.

People are so selfish. I'd call them out and say you're not amused. I'd also invite others too and go ahead with it

Could you invite some of your family members? Siblings or parents etc? It's give a slightly different vibe but might be better with more people?