People dropping out of my 40th on Sat. Should I cancel?

[sellotape12]

Hi this is sensitive and upsetting so please - don't come for a fight.
I'm 40 on Friday and have booked a catered bar thing for 28 friends. Invitations were sent out and people RSVP'd yes so I ordered catering and drinks accordingly. There's a minimum spend which I'll need to cover if it doesn't get spent - all normal. With 6 days to go, about eight of the 'yes' are now becoming 'no'. Not sure if there'll be more. At what point do I cancel it all?
Or how can I re-frame my thinking that a smaller thing will be just as nice (although might be expensive for me as I'll have to cover cost now) ?

Gosh I wish people wouldn't flake. It's a big birthday milestone not an in-between one. It's making me think I'm not important and feeling a bit down!
How would you re-frame this in your mind, or with your practical head on?

@independencefreedom but they are such lame excuses.

OP, I'd be fuming. People are so bloody rude and entitled these days.

I think the reality of modern society is people keep communication mostly online and avoid big events. Also, you can't have 20+ friends. These are acquaintances, colleagues etc and they don't feel much reason or responsibility to come. Probably they are also skint and said yes but now they started to think gift and gave up, as you said it's a big event for you and a more special gift is expected.

This is just my 2 cents. Obviously, I would advise you to send a reminder to the rest just to confirm final number and don't worry it will look empty. I had my wedding in a venue that can fit 100 people but we were only 60 and it visually looked absolutely OK.

Enjoy your birthday and try not to stress! Drop out just means more drinks for others. ;)

Those are crap excuses OP. The only one I’d give merit to is the passport one if they suddenly realised they were flying and passport was not valid ( rules have changed on passports). The others are shit. If you are tired, pop along for an hour or two. I hate being tired with a passion but you also don’t crap out of an invite you have accepted. You go along and leave early.

Have fun with your proper mates OP!

It's shit OP but this is why personally I'm planning to just do something nice with my DH and dd for my 40th. I basically have no friends anyway 🤣 so it wouldn't be possible to even find 8 friends to invite but I've been part of large friendship groups in the past. Even the nicest ones are superficial and not really based on any true care or loyalty. People are just chronically averse to leaving the house these days too so parties just don't seem to happen any more especially for middle aged people. It's kindof sad but what can you do?

I wouldn't bother replying with anything snarky or rude. It will only make you seem like the bad guy. However, for me somebody who flakes out on me for a milestone birthday for a crap reason wouldn't be worth keeping in touch with. If they cba to make an appearance for you every 10 years then what are you actually getting from the friendship?

Indeed. It makes me cringe to read words like 'sorry you won't be there to celebrate my milestone birthday'. Op, please don't message anything like this.

You say you'd need to pay 50% of the room costs if you cancel but that won't be much surely?

What about the catering and drinks have you paid upfront for that?

It’s really frustrating that your friends have dropped out but you will still have a brilliant birthday party!

Rather than saying that it’s £x per person, think that it’s £x (total) for the experience.

You’re going to have a fantastic night with the people that mean the most to you.

Happy birthday! 🎉 🎈
Sorry people are crap. I hate organising birthday things for exactly this reason. Do you have a couple of core reliable mates who are guaranteed to be a laugh and will come? I'd not cancel, but go with them so you're not waiting at the venue on your own. Id also message a couple of your best WhatsApp groups that you're having a 40th bash, some food provided, and turn up if they fancy. So, school mums you have coffee with or work mates or whatever. Then people can come in pairs or groups. Expect another 3 or 4 cancellations too. It's just what people are like now, especially the middle aged unfortunately.
If it makes you feel better, I was organising a big family event, 50th wedding anniversary, and two excuses I got for declining were 'something else might come up' and 'lovely idea but I also won't come' and that's from the siblings of one of the anniversary people! So rude, and it's not like they don't get on! I felt like replying ok, I'll see you at the next funeral then

@sellotape12 You're not being unreasonable.. It's absolutely infuriating when people flake out on you. Especially with a big party 'do.' It's fine for somebody to just say, 'I'm not going to come sorry, I can't make it.' They've got the right to do that. But people saying that they're coming for 4-5 weeks, and then bailing less than a week before (or even worse, just not turning up on the night, which is very likely what some people are going to do,) is just bang out of order. So be prepared for that. (Others just not turning up.)

It's just really annoying and makes them not very good friends. I'm assuming these are mostly acquaintances and workmates - they can't all be friends. Nobody has 28 friends. A friend of mine's husband had a 50th birthday party last year and they invited 39 people. 11 turned up. She and her husband were absolutely crushed, and said it's the last time they are ever ever having any kind of party or get-together where they invite others. She said it was humiliating. The 11 who came knew that around 40 were due, so they felt really embarrassed. Everyone who was there just felt sorry for them. .Said they will just go on holiday for the special birthdays going forward.

Should you cancel right now? I really can't give you an answer. 8 people dropping out of 28 is quite a lot. It's almost a third. And I think there will be a few that won't come on the night ... I think only about 14 to 16 will come. That's my prediction anyway.

As people have said though it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. Or that people don't like you. Some people are just inherently selfish - and in their own little world, and I think people have got their own things going on in their life. But they really should just say 'no' to start with, and not say they're coming and then not turn up! (Or bail a few days before!)

I wish you well. I hope the remaining 20 turn up, and happy birthday!

Yes, I don't understand the broken arm husband one. I understand him not coming but why can't she come on her own!

I would speak to the venue and ask them to cancel the private room element and transfer the funds to the bar. They may well be happy to do that op, then you will have everyone else in the bar to create atmosphere. Then it doesn’t matter if 2 or 20 arrive on the night.

With the broken arm husband if they have small kids (I would have at 40) I can see he maybe couldn't be alone with them.

We don't know enough about the circs here to say.

You obviously haven't booked a venue recently! I'm looking for my big birthday next year and it's all around 2-5k just for the room! Then lots of places have a minimum spend of 1-2k on top of that.

So OP could be looking at 1.5k to 3.5k just for the 50 per cent. Then there's the cost of any DJ or band on top of that.

Venues are really expensive these days.

Op said they have no kids in an update. I'm sure her friends husband can manage for a few hours on his own.

I had a broken arm and elbow and still went to a party. It was a blur and I had a crisis about what to wear but it was really appreciated that I made the effort.

This problem worries me because it is happening on a much wider scale and we will have a poorer, more insular joyless society as a result.

Wouldn’t you be just as flaky is you now cancelled the whole thing?
If I was coming I would be annoyed if you cancelled less than a week to go.

I'm not a great partygoer so when I get an invitation I always think, "if it was tonight would I want to go?" If the answer's "No" then I politely decline.

But I have never accepted an invitation and then flaked out or not turned up.

In my experience of organising various social activities, the only times where people turn up without fail is if they've paid in advance and there's no refund for a no-show. Would be great if there was some sort of invitation acceptance system where you pay a fee to accept, and get it back when you turn up on the night.

Missed that, sorry. Yes, totally lame then.

This is why when I have RSVP to something I would never, ever not go unless I absolutely CAN'T. It's just so rude. I once went to someone's birthday party at their flat and there were twenty people who said they'd go. Ended up being three of us. I felt so bad for the birthday girl. People are awful sometimes. Those are some rubbish excuses too.

I would def invite more people. I wouldn't mind at all being invited last minute to something and it being clear I wasn't on the top tier list, everyone has their circle of people that are closer and not as close and it's no insult to anyone. If I could go I would do.

People don't seem to realise it's fine to RSVP no to things, it's not fine to say you'll be there and then flake. I can't stand flakes.

Maybe she was so cross as she may have thought you could at least come and your husband stay at home with the kids.

'I once went to someone's birthday party at their flat and there were twenty people who said they'd go. Ended up being three of us. I felt so bad for the birthday girl. People are awful sometimes'

People are unreliable yes, we know this. I'm not saying we mustn't have a party anymore but we all know our family and friends. We know if we are surrounded by people who show up no matter what or are surrounded by those who bow out all the time. Just know your people and plan accordingly.

I think RSVPing no to things should be made more acceptable.

This happened to me on my 30th.

Honestly the day before around 10 people suddenly couldn't attend. Okay.

On the day another 5 or 6 couldn't attend. Okay.

I still had a 30th as such. But with around 15 people. Including me.

It hurt, alot.
The day after I saw they all attended a birthday of some other girl they portrayed to HATE. Which hurt even more. So, they are no longer my "friends" ...

The way I looked at it, the ones who mattered showed up, the ones that didn't. Don't matter.... try & have a good time ❤️

If her dh was having a severe mh crisis she obviously needed to be with him for support.