I don’t want this baby.

Nikolite · 2024-10-07T09:08:05+00:00

So we have 2.5 year old and to be honest and I’m happy with just one. My husband really wants another baby but I just think our life standard would go down significantly with having one more as my job doesn’t pay that well. He just keeps saying we have to do it for our son, so he has company. We’ve been having sex maybe once every 2 months (with protection) and I just found out yesterday I’m pregnant. I’m not sure how it is possible. Also my dad has passed away just 8 weeks ago and my husband thinks our baby is a gift from god or from my dad as to have sex just once in 2 months with protection and still get pregnant it’s miracle. I don’t even know how to feel about all this. I don’t feel like being pregnant again. And I don’t want to deal with newborn stage again. I’m thinking of terminating but feeling guilty about it. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. At the moment I’m swaying towards not keeping the baby - purely as of my own mental health. I struggled allot after having our son and couldn’t cope with him crying etc. I just can’t go through it again. My husband keep saying that we need to do this for our son, to give him a sibling so I feel so so guilty but I just don’t think I can do this. He thinks I will regret it later in life when our son asks us why he doesn’t have a sibling but I can only think of how I’m feeling now and I’m feeling really sad and depressed since I’ve found out.

speedmop · 07/10/2024 10:09

Are you sure it’s been protected?

because to have such infrequent and protected sex and still fall pregnant… really does defy statistics!

Original poster

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 10:12

speedmop · 07/10/2024 10:09

Are you sure it’s been protected?

because to have such infrequent and protected sex and still fall pregnant… really does defy statistics!

Hi.
yes, we have been using condoms each time.

OP posts:

LetsDancetheDance · 07/10/2024 10:14

A healthy mum who can cope is more important than a sibling. For both their sakes.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/10/2024 10:15

He probably sabotaged his own condoms.

You should only have another baby if YOU want to have one op, don't let your husband guilt you into going through with an unwanted pregnancy.

Your son needs a content mother not another sibling.

TheCultureHusks · 07/10/2024 10:15

I am really sorry but my first thought would be that your husband has stealthed you. Sabotaged the condom and/or removed it.

I would arrange a termination. You don’t have to involve him in this decision at all if he’s just going to try and coerce you into keeping it. If you do not want a baby now, do not have one. It sounds like you understand very well that this would NOT be a good idea for your mental health, which means it’s actually not a good thing for your son at all.

TheCultureHusks · 07/10/2024 10:16

And you can tell your husband that you miscarried if you need to.

But don’t be browbeaten into a pregnancy. It will blow up in his face anyway if you end up resenting a child.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/10/2024 10:16

I'd make sure I had long term contraception if possible also, the coil or implant, talk to your GP.

Good luck.

speedmop · 07/10/2024 10:17

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 10:12

Hi.
yes, we have been using condoms each time.

Show quote history

i wonder whether your DH has sabotaged them

because this isn’t far off the immaculate conception otherwise

Original poster

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 10:21

He’s 45 and I’m 36 and he’s saying that if we don’t have the child now, we may never have one due to our ages and this is our last chance.
of course I feel bad when I see my son playing with other kids and knowing he won’t ever have a sibling but also at the same time, I know having another baby will ruin me as a person. My last birth was very traumatic and I lost allot of blood, just not willing to go through it again.

OP posts:

Laiste · 07/10/2024 10:22

OP i'm sorry you find yourself in this situation

What ever scenario you chose now, you will have to cope with mentally - so be kind to yourself, breathe and let yourself think.

No one else can make this choice for you - but you don't have to make it in one day.

How far along are you do you think?

I'm not going to say don't feel guilty about a termination because .... well ... you may feel guilt, (you may not also) but remember - if it becomes your best choice then that IS what's best. Don't wallow in if's and but's.

I agree with the above poster who says you could, if it's early days, have the termination but tell your DH that you miscarried. Going forward please be in control of your own contraception.

Good luck x

TheCultureHusks · 07/10/2024 10:25

OP do you think it’s possible that he has done this deliberately?

You don’t address this but several have raised it.

It’s not normal or healthy for your partner to harangue and try and strong-arm you into pregnancy. It’s a huge decision that can only be a good one if both partners want it. Even then, it’s the much bigger deal for the woman. A good husband wouldn’t be pushing and guilting like this no matter how much he wanted a baby. Your health would come first to him.

He sounds controlling.

Xenia · 07/10/2024 10:26

These situations. I would have the child if I were you but I'm not you. I am sorry about your father and the situation you are in. May be there is something to discuss with your husband that would make things better eg if he does a lot more around the house or works part time or takes a second job or whatever you most need.

Original poster

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 10:31

TheCultureHusks · 07/10/2024 10:25

OP do you think it’s possible that he has done this deliberately?

You don’t address this but several have raised it.

It’s not normal or healthy for your partner to harangue and try and strong-arm you into pregnancy. It’s a huge decision that can only be a good one if both partners want it. Even then, it’s the much bigger deal for the woman. A good husband wouldn’t be pushing and guilting like this no matter how much he wanted a baby. Your health would come first to him.

He sounds controlling.

i did think to myself it is very strange that I got pregnant, I didn’t think he would be capable of sabotaging condoms but now I’m not so sure. I understand he really wants this child but telling me all the time that it’s for our son and we have to do this for him, it makes me feel even more guilty about my decision.

OP posts:

TheCultureHusks · 07/10/2024 10:32

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 10:31

i did think to myself it is very strange that I got pregnant, I didn’t think he would be capable of sabotaging condoms but now I’m not so sure. I understand he really wants this child but telling me all the time that it’s for our son and we have to do this for him, it makes me feel even more guilty about my decision.

Show quote history

Well it is extremely unlikely that you could have got pregnant. So.

I would arrange a termination asap, and if it is easier, tell him you miscarried.

Then I’d be going on the pill.

RandomMess · 07/10/2024 10:33

It's absolutely normal and NOT uncommon to be "one and done".

Plenty of people have awful relationships with their siblings and wish they didn't have them.

Start the process today in finding out about getting a termination, get some counselling and support to have it. Get some much more reliable contraception.

RampantIvy · 07/10/2024 10:39

Xenia · 07/10/2024 10:26

These situations. I would have the child if I were you but I'm not you. I am sorry about your father and the situation you are in. May be there is something to discuss with your husband that would make things better eg if he does a lot more around the house or works part time or takes a second job or whatever you most need.

Have you even read the OP's updates? She has compelling reasons for not wanting to continue with this pregnancy.

Or are you a pro lifer?

Autumnowl · 07/10/2024 10:45

I think your husband has sabotaged the condom ,or removed it during sex.
I think he's bullying you in to doing what he wants ,by trying to make you feel guilty about a sibling..I've 4 kids ,and they don't get on at all ,they Def won't be friends as adults
I think you know what is best for you
Definitely tell him u miscarried
And have a coil fitted ,so no pills to remember and no relying on him to use condoms

ComingBackHome · 07/10/2024 10:48

The guilt tripping would put me off massively.

Even more so when he has seen you going through a really hard time with the previous pg, seen you loosing a lot of blood. But somehow his wish for another child should trump your emotional and physical well-being.

You need to do what’s right for you.
And there is nothing there that says ‘I’m really hesitating between keeping it or having an abortion’. It’s more about how hard it is to resist the guilt tripping. Abd how awful you felt last time.

I think you know @Nikolite .
Id take an appointment to get the abortion.

And if you need to hide that info from your dh, then I think it also tells you this relationship isn’t healthy and you need to reconsider tbh.

TemuSpecialBuy · 07/10/2024 10:49

I would terminate say it was a miscarriage and start using a form of contraception you control ie coil or implant

i have 2 under 3 and while both were planned and much wanted and i have good help it’s no walk in the park

ThisIsAlmostHalloween · 07/10/2024 10:50

How would she not notice of he removed the condom?
Sex without protection is much messier afterwards, surely she would notice?

LurkingFromTheShadows · 07/10/2024 10:52

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 10:21

He’s 45 and I’m 36 and he’s saying that if we don’t have the child now, we may never have one due to our ages and this is our last chance.
of course I feel bad when I see my son playing with other kids and knowing he won’t ever have a sibling but also at the same time, I know having another baby will ruin me as a person. My last birth was very traumatic and I lost allot of blood, just not willing to go through it again.

Op it's your body and let's face it, you'll be the one doing most of the childcare when baby is here. Do not feel any guilt terminating. It's completely your choice.

Ansjovis · 07/10/2024 10:52

You and your existing child are the priority here. What you "have to do for your son" is make the best decisions to safeguard your mental and physical health so you can be the best possible parent to him. That's it. There can be no other obligation fairly put on you.

Dotto · 07/10/2024 10:53

I think it's downright abusive for him to pressure you like this. You're not a brood mare. Make your abortion appointment and do not feel guilty whatsoever. Whether he sabotaged the condoms or not, I would not feel safe with him if he is using you like this.

Dotto · 07/10/2024 10:54

ThisIsAlmostHalloween · 07/10/2024 10:50

How would she not notice of he removed the condom?
Sex without protection is much messier afterwards, surely she would notice?

Pinholes

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 07/10/2024 10:55

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 10:31

i did think to myself it is very strange that I got pregnant, I didn’t think he would be capable of sabotaging condoms but now I’m not so sure. I understand he really wants this child but telling me all the time that it’s for our son and we have to do this for him, it makes me feel even more guilty about my decision.

Show quote history

I would question your feelings of guilt regarding your son. With a pregnant mum and then new baby on the scene your son would lose your time and attention as you’d be focusing on yourself and baby. He may grow to resent younger sibling. It’s more likely to be in his interests that you don’t have another baby.