Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I don’t want this baby.

158 replies

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 10:08

So we have 2.5 year old and to be honest and I’m happy with just one. My husband really wants another baby but I just think our life standard would go down significantly with having one more as my job doesn’t pay that well. He just keeps saying we have to do it for our son, so he has company.
We’ve been having sex maybe once every 2 months (with protection) and I just found out yesterday I’m pregnant. I’m not sure how it is possible.
Also my dad has passed away just 8 weeks ago and my husband thinks our baby is a gift from god or from my dad as to have sex just once in 2 months with protection and still get pregnant it’s miracle.
I don’t even know how to feel about all this.
I don’t feel like being pregnant again. And I don’t want to deal with newborn stage again.
I’m thinking of terminating but feeling guilty about it.
This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. At the moment I’m swaying towards not keeping the baby - purely as of my own mental health. I struggled allot after having our son and couldn’t cope with him crying etc. I just can’t go through it again. My husband keep saying that we need to do this for our son, to give him a sibling so I feel so so guilty but I just don’t think I can do this. He thinks I will regret it later in life when our son asks us why he doesn’t have a sibling but I can only think of how I’m feeling now and I’m feeling really sad and depressed since I’ve found out.

OP posts:
ComingBackHome · 07/10/2024 13:23

@Nikolite im so sorry you find yourself in that position.
As you said, just now its not just dealing with an abortion, it’s also the fear of things going wrong (I’d mention what happened when you gave birth to the clinic btw) and knowing he simply won’t be there to support you. Quite the opposite.

Is there anyone around that could support you around that time instead?

LoftLaughLoads · 07/10/2024 13:24

I think you are being brilliant. Well done. You are making a good decision. The fact that your DH won't be supportive just shows what a crap husband and crap dad he is. You are better off without him in your life. You are right to prioritise the needs of your current 2.5yo who deserves a mum who is happy and healthy and can cope. There isn't a magic tickbox for a happy sibling relationship, it would be a dice roll and could easily end up making your 2.5yo's life worse not better. your DH's manipulative comments are sickening.

ComingBackHome · 07/10/2024 13:28

@Cobblersorchard i agrée with you re the fact he is entitled to want another child and to decide to separate so he can find someone else to have a child with.

However, in this particular case, I think it’s the OP who needs to take that step so she isn’t involved with someone who is happy to guilt trip her/control her body and has no respect towards her physical and mental health.

Not now though. It’s not the right time. But once things have settled down a bit (both re abortion and grief etc…). I wouldnt be surprised if he is making that decision even easier to take with his behaviour too.

Original poster
Nikolite · 07/10/2024 14:28

He just said again that we are done if I go through with it.
I feel sick to my stomach that he’s willing to hurt our son (broken family) just because I don’t want to risk my mental and physical health. I feel so sad and he just made me not wanting to live anymore.
of course I won’t hurt myself as I have to be strong for my son but that’s how I feel.

OP posts:
Bruisername · 07/10/2024 14:34

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 14:28

He just said again that we are done if I go through with it.
I feel sick to my stomach that he’s willing to hurt our son (broken family) just because I don’t want to risk my mental and physical health. I feel so sad and he just made me not wanting to live anymore.
of course I won’t hurt myself as I have to be strong for my son but that’s how I feel.

What does he say when you point out that?

I think you will feel far stronger out of this relationship not sounds like he doesn’t support you at all

Original poster
Nikolite · 07/10/2024 14:49

Bruisername · 07/10/2024 14:34

What does he say when you point out that?

I think you will feel far stronger out of this relationship not sounds like he doesn’t support you at all

Show quote history

He just doesn’t respond to it. He keeps saying same stuff over and over again.

I had to cancel my Wednesday appointment as no kids allowed in a clinic and I have no one I can tell about it and ask for a favour in looking after my son. So had to change the appointment to Saturday 19th as then I will just go and leave my son with my husband (weekdays are hard as he’s working in the office). Just gutted as it’s nearly 2 weeks away. 🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikolite · 07/10/2024 14:50

Sad I can’t even count on my husband and attend Wednesday appointment, he won’t do anything to make this easier on me.

OP posts:
Dotto · 07/10/2024 14:52

I'm so sorry, he's really revealed his true colours.

Edited as just read previous message.

Eddielizzard · 07/10/2024 14:54

I think you're far better off not telling him

speedmop · 07/10/2024 15:52

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 14:49

He just doesn’t respond to it. He keeps saying same stuff over and over again.

I had to cancel my Wednesday appointment as no kids allowed in a clinic and I have no one I can tell about it and ask for a favour in looking after my son. So had to change the appointment to Saturday 19th as then I will just go and leave my son with my husband (weekdays are hard as he’s working in the office). Just gutted as it’s nearly 2 weeks away. 🙁

Show quote history

you don’t need to tell anyone op
lie!

but you don’t want to share this with a friend?

speedmop · 07/10/2024 15:53

surely irrelevant if he’s going to leave you

you will now leave him anyway?

TemuSpecialBuy · 07/10/2024 15:54

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 14:49

He just doesn’t respond to it. He keeps saying same stuff over and over again.

I had to cancel my Wednesday appointment as no kids allowed in a clinic and I have no one I can tell about it and ask for a favour in looking after my son. So had to change the appointment to Saturday 19th as then I will just go and leave my son with my husband (weekdays are hard as he’s working in the office). Just gutted as it’s nearly 2 weeks away. 🙁

Show quote history

i would try and keep the app on Wednesday

get on childcare.com and find a CM or babysitter near you.

also ask for recommendations on local mum what’s app groups for baby sitters

and sorry your DH is such a prick 💐

RampantIvy · 07/10/2024 15:54

Nikolite · 07/10/2024 14:28

He just said again that we are done if I go through with it.
I feel sick to my stomach that he’s willing to hurt our son (broken family) just because I don’t want to risk my mental and physical health. I feel so sad and he just made me not wanting to live anymore.
of course I won’t hurt myself as I have to be strong for my son but that’s how I feel.

I think you are done with him anyway by the sound of it.

What an uncaring man he is. If you end up having the baby will be step up when you are unable to?

ThisIsAlmostHalloween · 07/10/2024 15:59

I mean, are you willing to stay in a relationship with him when he's handing out ultimatums like that??!

You have 2 options.

A - Stay with him and have a baby you don't want aand live with the knowledge he forced you into having a child you didn't want with blackmail and spend the rest of your fertile years wondering if you might 'accidentally' be forced to have a 3rd

B - Have a abortion and leave him.

goody2shooz · 07/10/2024 16:51

@Nikolite not wishing to add to your stress but there’s also no guarantee you won’t split up later down the line when you have this baby you never wanted. A baby is never something you should be coerced in to having, your husband is dreadful. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so pressured but you must do what is right for YOU. It’s your body and your life. His opinions here really don’t count.

Original poster
Nikolite · 07/10/2024 19:47

We just spoken again.
he’s really trying to make me feel guilty.
he did ask “what would your dad have thought about it, knowing you are going to terminate the baby”?
Im still in shock of my dad passing (he was only 58 and died within 2.5 months after his cancer diagnosis) and my life has collapsed. And he’s saying stuff like that to me.
Then he said he’s bought our house thinking we will have 2 kids but now seeing it will be only our son, he wants to rent the house and want us to move into a smaller apartment. So he’s punishing our son for me not wanting to risk my health. I keep telling him about my mental and physical health and he just doesn’t listen. I’ve had enough and him trying to punish our son (saying he wants to move to a smaller place like one child doesn’t deserve to live in a bigger house) was a final straw for me.

OP posts:
ComingBackHome · 07/10/2024 19:54

@Nikolite he is awful. Truly awful.

He has no care at all for your health.
And is using reasons that are simply sickening. Using your dad when he has died so recently is simply unexcusable.

If he wanted to give you reasons to leave him or to ensure you’re never going to say Yes to keeping the baby, he wouldn’t do it any other way would he.

RampantIvy · 07/10/2024 19:55

So, you aren't important to him at all. He just sees you as a baby incubator. This marriage is over whether you have the baby or not.

You deserve much better than this.

Is he from a culture or religion that is pro life at any cost?

RandomMess · 07/10/2024 19:58
Flowers

I'm so sorry he is doing this to you. I would just agree with him about moving to a smaller place, no point arguing.

He's showed the real him and it's horrid.

Mudflaps · 07/10/2024 20:02

Honey, your dad would want you to be happy and healthy. He would not want you to be in a abusive relationship being blackmailed into a pregnancy you don't want. Please please look at leaving this awful man, your marriage is over no matter the outcome of the pregnancy. Your mental health is already suffering and he doesn't care, you are little more than an incubator to him. Get out before he starts indoctrinating your son to his way of thinking.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 07/10/2024 20:54

So sorry for your situation, @Nikolite please use the time before your appointment to make sure you're up to date on finances, pensions and important documents like birth certificates etc. He is not going to make things easy for you so get all this stuff together and leave it somewhere - at work maybe? - that he can't get to.

Good luck - your son is lucky to have you for his mum, he's not so lucky with his dad..

Dontlletmedownbruce · 07/10/2024 21:10

I feel bad for you OP, you are in an awful situation. I do however feel some of the posts here were very unfair. People immediately presuming this man they don't know sabotaged your contraception is a huge leap. I think your Dh is absolutely allowed be devastated about all this. He wanted another child at some stage, it happened naturally against the odds and he was overjoyed and his partner said no. I think he should be allowed process this a little without being branded a monster. In reverse, if an OP really wanted a few babies and her partner announced he didn't want anymore one day, there would be an outpouring of sympathy.

ComingBackHome · 07/10/2024 21:12

@Dontlletmedownbruce do you mean that because the OP doesn’t want a baby, which she has said all along, but he does, he is allowed to guilt trip her, use the death of her dad to get at her etc…? All because ‘he needs time to process a news’ he was well aware off.

Youre excusing the inexcusable imo.

Superhansrantowindsor · 07/10/2024 21:15

I don’t think you should lie to your husband. A relationship must be built on honesty and trust. If he has tricked you into pregnancy and then you in turn lie about a termination- well it’s not a strong relationship imo and will eventually unravel.

Dotto · 07/10/2024 21:19

Superhansrantowindsor · 07/10/2024 21:15

I don’t think you should lie to your husband. A relationship must be built on honesty and trust. If he has tricked you into pregnancy and then you in turn lie about a termination- well it’s not a strong relationship imo and will eventually unravel.

It's not a relationship anyway for him to threaten her in this way. She does not owe him the truth, she needs to keep herself safe now. If that means lying so be it.