I don’t want this baby.

[Nikolite]

So we have 2.5 year old and to be honest and I’m happy with just one. My husband really wants another baby but I just think our life standard would go down significantly with having one more as my job doesn’t pay that well. He just keeps saying we have to do it for our son, so he has company.
We’ve been having sex maybe once every 2 months (with protection) and I just found out yesterday I’m pregnant. I’m not sure how it is possible.
Also my dad has passed away just 8 weeks ago and my husband thinks our baby is a gift from god or from my dad as to have sex just once in 2 months with protection and still get pregnant it’s miracle.
I don’t even know how to feel about all this.
I don’t feel like being pregnant again. And I don’t want to deal with newborn stage again.
I’m thinking of terminating but feeling guilty about it.
This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. At the moment I’m swaying towards not keeping the baby - purely as of my own mental health. I struggled allot after having our son and couldn’t cope with him crying etc. I just can’t go through it again. My husband keep saying that we need to do this for our son, to give him a sibling so I feel so so guilty but I just don’t think I can do this. He thinks I will regret it later in life when our son asks us why he doesn’t have a sibling but I can only think of how I’m feeling now and I’m feeling really sad and depressed since I’ve found out.

What a horrible man he is. Banging on about you having the baby to give your son a sibling but threatening to leave you and your son if you don't comply.

This is about control. He is a terrible father so don't inflict him on another innocent child.

I am also an only child and would agree with this. BUT it's clear from the post that Nikolite isn't in a place mentally to have a baby right now. That may change in a few years time and she's only 36 so she can still consider whether she wants to give her son a sibling later.

There's no guarantee that siblings will be close and support each other through difficult times

My aunt dealt with her father and mother's end of life care with no support from her two siblings. Despite them both living locally and my aunt living over 1000 miles away from her parents.

Well done for more emotional blackmail on a distraught woman. You must be so proud.

OP I'm not an only and I'm doing 100% of the care for my mum. As an only I would have been happier and had more of her time and resources. You can't predict how siblings will get on - plenty have zero contact as adults.

An untenable situation. You really must do what's best for you, if you don't think you can cope, and sounds like you had a horrific birth last time, you absolutely don't have to go through with it.

I'm another one who thinks he sabotaged, and given his emotional manipulation that makes me think it even more. If you were to go ahead with the termination, I'd do it without his knowledge and treat it as a miscarriage.

This is clearly the wrong time, and you need support not pressure. So sorry about your Dad. Heartbreaking time.

@Nikolite

I would ring the GP's surgery today and ask for a double appointment this week, OP, to make sure that every possible option is available to you and that there is support for you in the choice you make.

Having more than one sibling is no guarantee that the burden of caring for parents wont be distributed evenly. Children move away, get estranged from family, just can't be bothered. And frankly its not a reason to have a baby you dont want anyway

I would seriously consider ending the relationship as well as the pregnancy. Don’t let yourself be coerced into something you don’t want. He does not sound like he has your best interests at heart at all.

Having more than one sibling is no guarantee that the burden of caring for parents wont be distributed evenly. Children move away, get estranged from family, just can't be bothered. And frankly its not a reason to have a baby you dont want anyway

It's not but it's definitely a consideration and there are not many advantages of being an only child imo.

Sorry to hear you don't like being an only child. Genuine question though, would you have still wanted a sibling even if it wrecked your mum's mental health and meant you had to deal with that growing up, albeit alongside another child?

You poor thing, I wish I could give you a hug and help you constructively. Your husband is bullying you, that's very clear. He's threatening you by saying he won't be part of the family unless you go through with the pregnancy, that's bullying/blackmail behaviour. I don't know if he sabotaged the condoms, you'll never know but do not trust condoms going forward no matter what you decide. I have one son, he's in his 30's now, when he was 4 I was advised not to put my body through another pregnancy, I never regretted following this advise, I would have suffered longterm if I had experienced a second pregnancy, I actually finished the relationship I was in because I knew the (lovely) man wanted children (not my child's father).
My son was one of the most sociable children I ever met, I was a single parent living with my parents and my son certainly thrived on being the centre of our lifes, I know my circumstances were different but I'm trying to say being an only child with a happy healthy mother is preferable to having a sibling and an unwell, possibly unhappy mother who is struggling. Also you mention not earning a lot and that it will be financially difficult, does your husband support you returning to work or is he expecting you to give up work to be a sahm? That would be a very bad idea in my opinion. I would seriously consider terminating the pregnancy without telling your husband, don't even mention it to him, blame it on a miscarriage but get your contraception sorted so this won't happen again if you stay together. Again, I wish I could make you a cuppa, chat it all out and give you a hug, you sound lonely within your marriage which is sad.

Sorry to hear you don't like being an only child. Genuine question though, would you have still wanted a sibling even if it wrecked your mum's mental health and meant you had to deal with that growing up, albeit alongside another child?

First births are often much worse than subsequent ones. Your second child is also never like the first. I had a terrible first birth and a PPH - it was awful. But the subsequent labours were far better. Tbh, the way things are in hospitals atm I can certainly understand why people don't want to go through labour in them.

If you post on an internet forum about the issue of being an only child, it's fair to expect people to respond who have lived that experience. The first child didn't ask to be born, either....

Only you can decide. But I was in the exact same boat. I never wanted another child, we rarely had sex, so I've no idea how I managed to fall pregnant. I booked an abortion, I attended the clinic, but I couldn't go through with it. I'm now 5.5 months and I want this baby more than anything. I do see it as a miracle now due to the circumstances, and I'm so happy I can give my daughter (7yo) a sibling. I now regret not doing it sooner, so that my daughter didn't have to spend so many years as an only child. However, I also believe it must have happened this way for a reason.

I'm just letting you know my experience. You're the only one who can make this decision. All the best 💐

ETA: I haven't read the thread, but I've just seen the above comments mentioning emotional manipulation, so I'd like to add that the father of this child was very emotionally abusive, and I've decided to go it alone. I still believe this baby was meant to happen, for myself and my existing child. I hope you're okay.

Why are people making up a story that the OP's husband sabotaged the condoms? We don't know that, surely.

I think husband has put a pinhole in the condom. Don’t have a baby because he forced you to

So he's saying this is for your son, but is prepared to walk out on the same son if he doesn't get his way? What a charmer.

Thank you everyone for your messages.
I am shocked by my husbands behaviour. To say he’s ready to leave me and his son just because I don’t want to go through pregnancy again, it makes me sick. He knows my delivery was horrible, he was there in a room with me while I was loosing so much blood and doctors were trying to stop the bleeding. It was so scary. Plus I’m doing well in my job and I was hoping to go back full time as soon as my son goes to school (which is now in under 2 years). I don’t want this pushed back another 5 years. I want a bit more from life than be sitting with another baby at home. It may sound selfish to some but that’s how I feel.
the worst is when he says that one day our son will ask us why he doesn’t have siblings.

I have made an appointment for next Wednesday- they will check how many weeks along I am and hopefully if under 9.6 weeks then will be given medications on a same day to do medical abortion at home. I’m scared to have complications or bleed to death (I know, I’m probably overreacting) and he won’t be here to make me feel better or comfort me while I’m going through it. I know that already. He will probably just look at me with hate and disgust.

Oh lovely, this is an awful situation for you. But you should do what's best for you. It's a shame he has revealed himself to be like this.

Is it possible that he tampered with the condom because he might want another baby?

I was really clear that I only wanted one, but got pregnant with a second. I nearly l terminated the pregnancy and I was overwhelmed and struggled with feelings of resentment and depression the entire pregnancy. However, now that I have both of my kids, I truly love it and feel grateful for them. One of the great things is that they keep each other entertained, and it gives me peace of mind knowing they’ll have each other when I'm not around. For what it's worth I also wanted to terminate #1 out of fear, I think it's a common feeling a lot of women have but don't discuss

I would take the medicine and tell him I miscarried.

Yes it's a lie and yes it's his child too but ultimately it's your body and frankly the way he's treated and manipulated you I wouldn't feel bad for the deciet.

He's controlling and abusive.

It's possible he deliberately got you pregnant and is now coercively controlling you to keep it. He wants you stuck at home raising babies and reliant on him.

In your situation I would have an abortion. You had a previously hard pregnancy and birth and mentally you know that you not going to be able for that again. Your 36 and your husband is 45 and you said as well that your current income is not high either.
The reality is as your current child gets older the expense go up. I have friends with teenagers and kids in college and the amount of money needed at that stage is high.
You want to give your child the best life possible.
Also if your husband is 45 it recently been found out that an older father has a higher chance of a child with autism. I knew 2 men who had kids around his age who this happened to. One of these kids is now a teenager who needs as much care as a toddler.

This thing that a child needs a sibling is a load of rubbish. Why does your husband want another baby at 45? It it because his friends have 2 children or because it his last chance now. It not just about him and what he wants when it going to have a major effect and impact on your life and health. It will also effect your current child both now and in the future.

You have to do what's best for you and the child you already have and if you're husband does not like this he can grow up and accept this or he can leave. Treating to leave if you have an abortion is showing he decides things but in reality if he walks he won't find it that great out in the real world.

I think this is the right decision OP.

He's lost you anyway by his own filthy manipulative behaviour. He can go and make a baby with someone else if he prefers.

Because it is a real possibility that he did.

It occurred to me as well.

I am not defending him in the slightest, he does sound abusive. But when women on here are desperate for another baby and their partner doesn’t want one the general consensus is to leave and start again with someone else because of the desire to have another child. He is also entitled to want to do that- he doesn’t have to settle.

The OP is completely justified to not want that though and to end the pregnancy she doesn’t want. But when the boot is on the other foot and the partner wants the termination it’s always clear that the relationship won’t survive. This is not any different.