Would you be happy with a stranger giving your DC a lift?

[friendsofatune]

12 year old, Year 7.

School is on the edge of nearby village. Bus turned up and drove off without stopping, despite him standing there

Woman saw what happened when getting in her car, asked if he was okay (he was crying), and said she would drive him

Journey was 5/6 minutes long. About 50/60 minutes if walking it.

Is this overstepping the mark and scary behaviour that a complete stranger would do this?

Did Rose and Fred West not have their daughter in the back to appear 'safe'?

Is this overstepping the mark and scary behaviour that a complete stranger would do this?

No. The scarier part is that your son got in her car.

This 100%

So if you want to steal a bigger kid, make sure you steal a little one first!

Look, this lady did a good deed and what any sane adult/parent mother would do. You can't put on the Facebook page that she did wrong. She didn't. She was helpful. Better that she was a safe person who took him than left him for an actual kidnapper.

But you need a better plan for next time.

Your son may have feared being bullied again. His bullies may have been the reason why he missed the bus.

You had your phone on silent and weren't answering. He must have been so scared. I was dropped off by my dad at a youth club that turned out to be cancelled and he went to his girlfriend's so I couldn't phone him from a phone box. It was dark and isolated and some nasty kids turned up and started bullying me. If I hadn't had the presence of mind to walk to a corner shop and hope that the couple running the shop weren't molesters, I don't know what would have happened. He must have been just as scared.

This is on you for being unreachable, not this lady for being compassionate towards your son. You're trying to blameshift to her because you don't want to accept that you let your son down.

It’s a difficult one. If I saw a distressed kid alone the mum in me would want to help.

However, if it was me I would have gotten the kid to call for a lift & if you were unable then get permission for me to drive them & I would have given my name, car reg etc & an ETA.

You do need to reiterate not getting in a strangers car though. Sadly you can’t assume just because they’re a woman they are no threat. Women have acted as the accomplices for predators before e.g. Myra Hindley. Yes it’s rare but just say to to DS would he have gotten in the car if it was a man?

This was obviously an act of kindness but a discussion around future scenarios about missing bus etc needs to happen so they don’t take risks in future

The absence of a man from this lady's car would be a key difference here.

I’m sure the lady was being nice and only trying to help. Imagine if something had happened to him at the bus stop, then all the comments would be “I can’t believe people just drove past him and no one stopped and offered to help”.

Yes you should be cautious but equally it sounds like your son did exercise his judgement in considering that it was a woman and child. No solution is 100% foolproof.

@friendsofatune you want to hunt this kind mum down to berate her for helping your son? I agree with other posters that you are misdirecting your own guilt and anger. I'd be grateful she had helped my son and pleased my son had made a risk assessment.

Absolutely not! You should be wanting to thank her for helping your child not reaching out to give her grief. Good lord OP 🤦‍♀️

No I don't. I don't think she's done anything wrong. And if I saw saw a message I'd think you were a bit odd to be honest. By all means tell your son never to do it again if you don't want him getting in a car with a mum and toddler. This is a "you" parenting situation. Not berating strangers for a kind act which a lot of people wouldn't have an issue with.

No. How about posting on FB “thank you for helping my child when he had a problem and couldn’t reach me!”? Would you prefer he stood at a bus stop in the rain, with it going dark and potentially the kids that have been bullying him around?

Yes there are horror stories but they are extreme exceptions. Your son did use sensible judgement.

I really don't think they would have done.

I found a 13yo crying in the woods once after he'd fallen off his bike and was bleeding. No phone on him. I gave first aid and I walked him home. Should I have left him in the woods bleeding? I mean I even touched him! Shock, horror!

Aw poor son. That happened to me lots as a kid, rural living 😅

I would ring you before taking your kid anywhere, in fact I have done that before when a teen’s phone died and they were stranded. Would definitely check crying kid is ok! Poor thing.

Sad times. It's a semi-rural setting, people do tend to look out for one another more in villages. (In the village I live in, I'm sure that several people might have offered a lift without overthinking it. Of course, in the village you live in, people are far more likely to recognise one another by sight at least, and I do get that this was a 'nearby village' not his own.) Women, especially those with children, used to be the safe people we'd tell our children to look for if in trouble ('look for a mummy with children') and really, even in these days, it's still a really safe bet, isn't it? Just unthink the over-caution that we all have these days, and ask yourself - is this HUGELY unlikely to be a problem? No it's not.

(People like to post with gotchas like Rosemary West and Lucy Letby, but if you think that the very few female psychopaths or abductors that you know by name mean your child is at as much risk from a random strange woman as from a random strange man, you're deluded. Statistically it's vanishingly small. Even with crime stats being skewed now by police accepting self ID in a very, very few cases...)

Please don't pursue her to tell her she was 'wrong'. Whatever you think of his decision, it turns out that she was simply a kind person doing a good turn. We'd live in an even more awful world if everyone was terrified of offering help.

Having chatted about this post with DH over breakfast, he remarked that the whole 'stranger danger' mindset and campaigns were always a bit of a red herring anyway, and that there's absolutely reliable data to support the point that IF a child is abused, assaulted, abducted, murdered - it is FAR more likely to be, not a stranger, but a person that child already knows. A stepdad, an uncle, a friend of the family (and male too). We are paranoid about strangers with our children because it taps into a nightmare scenario about an unknown enemy coming to take your child. We don't really want to acknowledge that it's far more likely to be someone you know (although still statistically unlikely).

That's very extreme OP. She's has done nothing wrong to offer as would I if I saw a child in distress. It more on your dc for agreeing to it knowing his parents have aaidnits not something they're happy with. Don't have a go at her you'd look foolish.

I don’t understand why everyone is commenting “why is your 12 old crying” pretty bloody obvious to me but he could have had the shitest day, it’s pissing it down and he missed his bus !! Boys can cry too you know and I actively encourage my DS to go with his emotions and if he needs to cry so be it - on the point of taking a lift, I would again reiterate the danger of taking lifts from strangers even woman, and go over the “what if” plan, if you miss your bus you go back to school and wait there till he can reach you.

Good grief, I can't believe you want to track the woman down to tell her she has done wrong!

There's lots of blame that could be apportioned, if you're that way inclined.
The bus driver, you for having your phone on silent and your son for accepting the lift.

Personally, I'd see it as the bus driver made a mistake, you made a mistake, your son was trying to correct both of those and being 12 he risk assessed and took the easiest option offered.

The woman offered a lift. Your son accepted. A simple thank you is in order.

I'd stop for them and offer to give them a ride if their parent thought it would be ok, suggest they call their parent. I did this recently for a child of about 11 who I saw hiding in my driveway because they were afraid of being attacked by a bully. I would not just say hey get in my car or hey come into my house. I offered to let them come into my garden where they'd feel safer (they couldn't be seen through the fence). In the end I spoke to his mum and she picked him up and we had a chat about how he was always welcome to knock on my door or hang out in my garden if I was out.

The way you quote your "dh" makes me feel sick, like we need a man to qualify the thread. We don't. Especially in a thread about stranger danger. Men are the fucking danger in the world about 98 percent of the time. And yes, stranger danger is a real thing. To suggest it isn't is extraordinarily ignorant.

@HarrietTheFireStarter what a fucking overreaction. @DaughterOfSqualor probably spoke to her DH over breakfast because he's the only adult in the house. Not because we need male approval.

I would stop for a child and my husband would as well (although he probably wouldn’t give them a lift but would certainly be offering use of phone). Having lived more rurally it is much more the done thing that people help eachother out and look out for each other so wouldn’t think anything of this to be honest from the woman’s point of view.

I can't believe how bad the world has become. Statistically you're more likely to know the person who abuses.

Total over reaction.