Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

A very good perspective.

OP is just not listening, and to him that must be so frustrating he has now given up. But then OP makes him feel guilty for speaking up too and still won’t actually listen.

I think if you added up the typical cost of "a few bits and pieces, aftershave, clothes, books, some cash" you would very very quickly get to £200+

Op you need to apologise to your son.

17 yos are probably still in school or education, so not earning.

£200-300 isn't a huge amount the second you look at any sort of tech.
Xbox
PlayStation
Phones
Laptops.

Sports kit,
Trainers

Replica football strips
Tickets for any sort of concert or gig.

£200-300 isn't a huge amount

You're being way over sensitive OP, he's a teenager

My dh and dc2 are very unmaterialistic and don't want anything, I buy them something token. In the current economic and environmental situation, it's ridiculous to be stressing about how to spend money on things people don't need. Just don't go on about it and then it's not a convenient stick to beat you with

All this still doesn't reach the bar of 'psychological' warfare and the bahaviours described on the Stately Home thread.

Perhaps he’s got to the age where he realises it’s all a crock of shit and is sick of you going on about it.

I'd start by exploring what he meant by "low key".

You are assuming it means the value of gifts. Perhaps he meant something different (or perhaps it is the same?) but without asking him (in the form of a respectful, non-argument type of open conversation) maybe there is something to explore there.

based on what the op has shared
which is obviously not going to quite convey what this boy is enduring,
no doubt about of which, she won’t even be aware

but read the op and follow ups… this is a mother trying to draw her son in to a bit of a fucked up psychological battle

the “bar” is subjective

and as the mother of a teen boy, this hits my bar

presumably… not your bar

I agree with everyone else, it's like you start with the Grinch routine months before Christmas starts. If you want to spend less, spend less. You clearly don't want to spend less, because you've said you say this every year and then don't. You just want everyone to know that you consider yourself to be over-indulgent. Do you want them to feel embarrassed or say, "Yeh, Mum, you really should, we are so spoilt with all our wonderful presents!" I'm just not sure what you were aiming for.

Are you saying this unconsciously for them to appreciate how lucky they are to have a single mother who organises Christmas and gifts for them?

Problem is you are correlating a good Christmas with the amount of money spent.

You can have a good Christmas on £50, £500 or £5000.

Poor kid. He sounds mature, compassionate, intelligent and thoroughly decent.

Your kids sound similar to mine. Two DS same age as yours (well DS2 is almost 15 - he is easy to buy for because he love vinyl and music)

DS1 has no interest in 'stuff' and is very matter of fact/literal. He is also hard work. Doesn't want to learn to drive, etc. He basically tells it like it is, which can be grating, but he is rarely doing it to cause upset. He is simply telling you how the world is as he sees it. From his perspective. Can you speak to DS1 and try to ascertain if he is bothered by how you celebrate Christmas ? Because from how you've told it, he isn't. He is just telling you how it is.

I get both of mine bits and bobs at Christmas to make me feel like I'm treating them equally - but DS1 sees it as unnecessary and wasteful (and he's right - but mum guilt means I can't help myself) This is my issue of course.

I think you should have taken the opportunity to have a conversation with him about what he feels. It would be useful if you can come to it when you cooled down and find out what exactly he means.
You should also look at where your anger comes from.

It might be worth addressing the elephant in the room. If you are doing lots of small presents to create piles as though they were were still small kids and it all adds up to a large amount but some of it is valueless to them, then perhaps sit them both down and treat them as adults.
This is the budget I have set aside for you so that your wish list is a) realistic and b) [in the case of your older child] you have the opportunity to list something large and expensive if you would rather have a single item. Pair of nice boots, a great winter coat that will take him to uni or similar.

Also worth bearing in mind spending money for the USA. Are you planning any and whether it's also worth talking to them about setting aside some cash for that trip depending on when it is. Great value in the USA for shopping or experience type stuff for DC1.

Ultimately, sit him down and simply say that he gave you the impression he didn't really enjoy your regular Christmas's or at least you didn't take "low key" as a compliment given his tone. Perhaps you were being oversensitive but given it is barely October, there's lots of time to arrange and do things differently ? What would he change?

And if he just wants £200 to stick in a savings account for uni or a gap year and bask in looking at his bank balance and watching it grow, why begrudge it. It's all opportunities for savings for long term goals, why have stuff.

He's heard you saying your cutting back each year and therefore believes it. It clearly makes him feel like there's a drive each year to spend less. The fact you don't in fact do so is not really the point. It's just because that's what you've been saying. I think it's partly your own fault he says that. I would not say I was cutting back unless it was going to be materially very obvious.

and when he doesn’t ask for much because she keeps saying it.

Thinking about this more OP do you consider yourself in a bit of a competition with their father about Christmas?

Wow - so glad I started this thread...

So I'm a shit parent, my son will go non-contact with me and is being abused, and I ruin every Christmas, we never have fun, I don't know him, I've never thought of watching a film with my kids or decorating the house together...And it's not even AIBU...

The 'hard work' comment was meant to say 'hard work in terms of gift-buying'. He's obviously not hard work at all in any other way. If anything, I find him easier than ds2 in a lot of ways as we have a lot of shared interests and opinions. Someone told me to 'lean into the history...' that is what we do all the time!

Someone asked why I buy him stuff he doesn't want or like - I mean, I don't do that deliberately. I suppose others have never got it wrong when it comes to a gift? It's not a regular occurrence.

And no, I'm not in competition with their dad and if I was I would win hands down as he barely celebrates Christmas at all. Dc have never been at his for Christmas as, despite what some on here seem convinced of, they love it at mine and all the stuff we do together while their dad has never bothered with any of it, or an alternative version of his own.

It's lucky I've been at work today really as if I had started this on Saturday when the dc are their dad's and then spent all day replying to these accusations that would have been a really shit weekend.

However, I'm grateful for the few thoughtful comments and I do get the point about not saying I'm cutting back again and also about being a bit oversensitive.

Yes there was a lot of over-baked dross in these answers op.

You’ve given them great Christmases, you clearly make an effort and I doubt your teen meant very much by his comment. Just don’t undersell your efforts to them going forward. But all is well. You sound like a lovely normal family .

OP most of the comments on here have been Mumsnet at it’s absolute worst – ignore. Don’t worry about your ds who sounds absolutely fine, just having a teenage moment and move on

@Needanewname42 17 yos are probably still in school or education, so not earning.

I know. I'm not sure why you raised that point.

£200-300 isn't a huge amount the second you look at any sort of tech. Xbox PlayStation Phones Laptops.

Yes games consoles are very expensive, though those would be an isolated one-off purchase one year.

A decent phone can be found for the £80 - 150 price range.

Laptop? Why would a 17 year old still at school need their own laptop?

Replica football strips

Replica football kits are generally worn by young children who are pretending to be a football hero. That isn't something that would be bought for a young man.