Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

Thank God, a more normal point of view! If you can afford it, it's beyond easy to spend more than £300 on presents for teens. A decent pair of branded trainers can be £150+. A fancy makeup palette can be £60+.

We even gifted our DDs a car each when the passed their tests, despite them both having Saturday jobs. I will never consider being generous to our children is 'absolutely disgusting'.

as an aside if you're struggling with ideas for christmas and he likes obscure football tops, look at getting him a mystery shirt in a box. our boys old and young love them! you can specify ones not to send, or pick a league or international, retro or not etc. and they don't find out what they get til the open it! (If they don't like it or it doesn't fit they get to exchange)

Generally a 17 year old would just be receiving a few bits and pieces, aftershave, clothes, books, some cash

Aftershave £50, books £30, cash maybe £50 clothes £150 (probs 3 items for that for a teen?) thats £280 right there.

Honestly what in the 1990's planet do some people still live on. £250 can go on one nintendo switch, 2 pairs of shoes, a barbie dreamhouse so easily. Life and gifts are expensive!

It sounds to me as though YOU don't really enjoy Christmas, which is making them feel bad for wanting to do so. Do you enjoy Christmas?

I also think that asking "How would you describe our Christmases?" is a bit of a loaded and mean question for a teenager. I cannot image asking my teens that. It's not their job to judge my parenting. It's my job to make Christmas fun for us all. I'd have said "What parts of Christmas do you really enjoy?" or "Is there anything you really want to do this year?" or "What did you like most last year?"

Your post sounds like you have a negative slant on the whole thing which is really a bit of a downer from the get-go. But I speak as someone whose parent was also a bit down on Christmas and it made me feel guilty for wanting to enjoy it!

Oh dear, I say this every year too, or at least since they were mid teens. At some point I’ll say ‘we’re just having a simple Christmas this year’ and they say ‘you say that every year then don’t’ then I say ‘but this year I mean it’. I think I’ve already said it this year. 🥴

You don't have to spend large amounts to have a great Christmas - even if there's just a small number of you celebrating.

There's any number of things you can do that are cheap or free - from decorating your home with greenery from your/your friends' gardens, having favourite foods, going to carol concerts and Christmas markets, watching Christmas films, going to the local am-dram panto, and all getting stuck into the cooking etc.

However, you already spend a lot on presents; £300 each isn't a small amount. That's absolutely fine if you can afford it - but it's not like you're only spending £20 on each of them.

Rather than saying you're cutting back, say you're going to have a really great - slightly different - Christmas and plan some festive activities or events and other things to make it special.

I think I'd be making comment, like your son, if someone year after year said they were "cutting back" at Christmas; it's quite the mood killer!

OP my Mum says something similar every year (I’m in my 30s) to the extent it’s now become something of a running joke between us. Did I find it as funny at 17? No because it made it sound like Xmas would be really rubbish!

As an adult I appreciate it’s because my Mum doesn’t want us all to be disappointed, yet I never have been and enjoy Xmas for a nice fun day with loved ones. Does your cutting back comment come from a similar place? From your post it sounds like it might. If so maybe have a word with DS17 in a calm moment. He might be more understanding that way.

Saying your cutting back every year and not isn't setting expectations it just gives off the impression you either begrudge spending the money and that is in an inconvenience or that you expect to be some sort of martyr. It takes some enjoyment away.

What do you do on Xmas day and what did ds mean by low key? It's usually more about what you do on the day than the gifts they receive. He is probably feeling a bit annoyed he is going somewhere he doesn't want to but that is typical teenager. Have you actually asked them how they would want Xmas day to look?

@Flatulence the OP is already doing all the things you mention.
The tree decorating, walks, films etc etc…

I will just be honest here

1 - You come across as getting 'really upset' about everything. By your second post you are already accusing people of 'projecting' - which gives a real insight in to your persona OP. Not everything is a personal attack. I know sometimes it may appear to be, but take a breath.

2 - Is everything he said, actually a fact? - Did he actually choose to go to America? Do you make the same comment each year? If so, he's just stating facts is he not? Why would you be upset about someone stating facts..

3 - Teenagers make flippant comments ALL THE TIME, its really not that deep

Even if you haven’t been cutting back: you’re announcing it every year. So why wouldn’t he believe you?

and now you’re telling him that you’re cutting back even more due to a holiday he didn’t even want? Yes, his reaction may be a bit materialistic. But he’s a teenager, that is not surprising.

And no, he is not telling you that he dislikes your Chrisrmases.

But I am telling you to stop telling him that he’s getting less/a cut down Christmas every year. Because he obviously believes you. And what child wouldn’t? Do you want him to disbelieve you??! And question your statements?

It's not about massive presents or how much you spend.

Exactly he believes her so he doesn’t even say what he wants due to it.

When a child already asks for nothing, to lecture them on 'cutting back' is mean and unnecessary. It's like assuming he'd expect expensive things when he never would.

There's no need to manage his expectations. Given your annual declarations about Christmas, he has none.

Teenagers do notice the difference between the Christmases pre-aged 11, say, where they would have had a pile of things to unwrap, and been excited, but this reduces each year, and by 17 this is probably the apex of that. If there are others in the house who are still in the 'big pile of presents' category, this is also a recurring reminder. I remember discussing it aged about 13 where a friend had noticed their bounty compared to their 2 older cousins' too.

What I think they would really appreciate is money, rather than gifts, though don't want to look hugely transactional or ungrateful, but parents generally are strongly on the 'but something to unwrap...' side so things tend to miss the mark either way. It might be sad for you but you could see whether this could be what he would be really happy with, if no ideas for a present.

Would it be interesting (at least) to also change some money for some dollars, potentially, as a gift that links to the holiday?

Does he have autism? Diagnosed or undiagnosed?

When he says there is nothing he wants, maybe he would like / is hoping for money?

Does his Dad give him less now or spend less time with him? If yes, maybe DS is projecting his hurt and anger onto you?

Would DS prefer more meaningful gifts? Eg books on history or puzzle books or whatever, to show that you know and understand him well?

Best thing is to have a chat with him, ask him what he would like Christmas to look like etc.

Low key doe as ‘t mean unhappy. It’s just that you don’t do Christmas lights/panto /elf-shelf/Christmas Eve box /Christmas duvet / etc . It’s less instragram and more family .

Also, teens are genetically programmed to be ungrateful , plus it is less exciting for them then when they are four.

she isn’t worried
she’s clearly crossed and pissed off
and made that abundantly clear to the boy

If he really can’t specify anything he wants, I’d give him the money and suggest that he open a savings account - to save it for when he really does want something.

You can always get him a couple of little things to open.

the reference to the holiday
is utterly irrelevant
and the op was just pulling on more “ammo”

Your boy isn’t obsessed with the latest tech

your boy doesn’t want to drive for environmental reasons

and his mother’s view? “he’s hard work” because of the above

I agree.

I suspect that OP might be underestimating the psychological impact of somebody telling you that something (in this case Christmas) is lesser / cut back compared to last year…

But even if he did not believe the “cutting back” comments previously? This time OP made a connection to a real life event and justified cutting back with an actual expense… And he clearly believed her.

He didn't say that you need to spend more. He didn't say that he was disappointed.

He said that you always say that you're cutting back (which you do) and that your Christmas is low key (which it is).

He also said that he can't say anything without you getting upset. It sounds like that is probably also true.

It's obviously touched a nerve. That's not his fault. Pull yourself together.

Looking back, my Mum used to trot out the 'we're being more careful...... don't get too excited' speech, every December. Ridiculous really, as we lived in a smart, executive type house and I was at private school. But I think it was caused by my Mum's deep rooted insecurity, and worry that whatever our Christmas was, it wasn't as good as other people's.

Quite sad really and I remember it did really irk me every year, as I then felt beholden in having to reassure her (a lot) that our Christmas was absolutely fine.

That's a very good point.