Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

@lurchersforever Don't worry OP. Your son will get a solid dose of reality once he gets a bit older, joins the real world, and understands that your home and family life is completely normal. A 17 year old moaning about receiving £200 - 300 worth of gifts at Christmas is a bit silly.

What? 17 yos need laptops for all the same reason adults need laptops- school work, studying, browsing the internet, chatting with friends, gaming. You do know that nearly all homework is now emailed to students and they send it back in electronically? Even when I was at school, a computer was essential for writing essays.

Loads of young men wear football kits, either for playing football or attending games.

Did you post this from the 1960s?

@MrsSunshine2b What? 17 yos need laptops for all the same reason adults need laptops- school work, studying, browsing the internet, chatting with friends, gaming. You do know that nearly all homework is now emailed to students and they send it back in electronically? Even when I was at school, a computer was essential for writing essays.

Yes, I was 17 once. Computer access is essential, but why does a 17 year old need their own laptop? Why would they not simply be doing their schoolwork on the desktop at home, or using the school computers?

I used the family desktop computer at school. At university, I didn't have a computer at all during my final year, so all work was completed in the library. Achieved top grades in everything. Somewhat ironically, it's the students equipped with the most expensive stuff who don't seem to excel past other students.

Loads of young men wear football kits, either for playing football or attending games.

Grown men do not wear football full football kits, and will often find themselves subject to a lot of ridicule if they do. Wearing a football shirt is normal. Someone above the age of 10 wearing a full football kit is not normal.

Yes I thought you would say that about their father’s Christmas that’s perhaps why the ‘low key’ comment hit a nerve when you are the only one making any effort.

@shuggles
Yes, I was 17 once. Computer access is essential, but why does a 17 year old need their own laptop? Why would they not simply be doing their schoolwork on the desktop at home, or using the school computers?

You’re sadly way out of date with current schooling.

Students aren’t allowed to use the school computers outside of a technology class. The rooms are locked when there’s no teaching, same as the toilets are locked during teaching!

When DS started secondary school we were required to buy him a specific laptop for use in the classroom and home that cost us €700. He already had access to a decent laptop at home but they insisted and suggested that any parents who were struggling get a loan to buy one! This is an ordinary secondary school in a rural county in Ireland.

They’re supposed to use them in the classroom to view textbooks online and complete their homework on them.

Wish I had shares in the company supplying them to schools as they’ve got a virtual monopoly on school sales in Ireland. 😠

I used the family desktop computer at school. At university, I didn't have a computer at all during my final year, so all work was completed in the library. Achieved top grades in everything. Somewhat ironically, it's the students equipped with the most expensive stuff who don't seem to excel past other students

Well didn't we all, in the past. Things move on.

My granny had a slate at school but my seventeen year old takes her laptop to sixth form every day. I don't think the slate would suffice.

My other dd is at university with her laptop achieving 'top grades' as you call them.

Your only mistake really was linking the 'cutting down' to a holiday he had to be persuaded to go on. He's basically saying he'd rather have more at Christmas than go on the holiday, which is a fair point of view to express, although he has to understand that life doesn't revolve around what he wants and the rest of his family have a viewpoint too.

Also, I always find it weird when people are shocked by others mentioning Christmas (right at the end of) September. I work f/t in a stressful job and am on my own.

I get it from the perspective of also being a single parent with two children

but i would never think my teen DS would be remotely bothered by christmas in september / october / november! consequently i would never try to engage with him about it three
months in advance

Yep- times have changed since the 90s/00s it's all very well saying use the ones in school but they cant outside of school lessons!

During the pandemic, school also emailed to check everyone had a laptop/tablet so they could work from home. I believe they did lend some out to families who couldnt afford it but it's plain wrong to suggest things are the same as they were years ago. It's a literal expectation that kids have the tech at home to be able to do their homework online now, they access their timetable online, everything is communicated via email etc.

Things have moved on.

1, They are really still children so it's not unreasonable to spent £200-300 on them. It's not the same as a 20 something who is earning and can buy their own £££ trainers and stuff.

2, The last time I looked at phones it was £200 for a semi decent phone. But that depends on your definition of decent.
Laptops 17 yos are likely to be in college or heading towards Uni, Unis no longer want handwritten assignments they want stuff typed.

1. Young men who follow football often want their teams tops. Not necessarily the shorts and socks but the top.

You could add driving lessons at £40 an hour to the list, £300 won't get you that far.
Another biggie is crazy priced Lego but that's probably older adults than teens.

£200-300 isn't a wild amount to spend on a 17yo.

Do you have teenagers or any contact with secondary school children?

My SD is 14 and the school lets all incoming Y7s know what spec their laptop needs to be and recommending a loan company that allows interest free payments on tech. As from next year, they will also need a specific tablet.

For a start, most schools insist you have a laptop with you for any computer based work you do in lessons. For another thing, maybe 17 yos, like other people, like to be able to access their work from numerous locations rather than being tethered to one desk. That's if the "family desktop" (which doesn't exist in our home anyway) isn't being used by another family member for WFH or the other child in the home! A 17 yo, in the midst of A levels, doesn't need to stand in a queue or have a younger sibling hurrying them up half way through their coursework.

I suppose you think that getting a part time job is a case of taking printed CVs around all the local businesses too, and think he won't need several hours on a computer to go through an application process. 😂

You are incredibly out of date.

Ever so slightly ancient lacking in understanding of the topics, so much so that I am wondering if this can be a serious post. Do families still have desktops? Schools don't have computer rooms anymore, they all use ipads or other portable devices.

Insisting a teen uses a family desktop is a bit of a 🚩it's borderline controlling.

Somewhat ironically, it's the students equipped with the most expensive stuff who don't seem to excel past other students.
What an unsympathetic post. So judgemental and narrow minded. I wonder how successful in their chosen profession this particular poster is after graduating from their happy homework session at the university library.

I find it hard to believe that someone who sailed through University with such ease is unable to understand why, in 2024, a student would need a personal computer for their own use, and is now capable of thriving in a 2024 workplace.

Academic diligence ≠ social skills (e.g., agility, adaptability, empathetic & courteous communication, curiosity, mental agility, growth mindset, etc...) I doubt @shuggles works in a contemporary corporate environment, their blinkers are firmly on 🙈

shuggles if you're going to speak to us from 1994 you'll have to shout, we can barely hear you.

AS @shuggles

makes for an interesting hilarious read!

Op you do seem to be the architect of your own downfall here

You have built your very own scenario that you are very defensive about and in the last post have an excessive hysterical tantrum rant - Jeez

Everything, and I mean everything is considered a personal attack.

The mere offering of someone having a different opinion to you, does not constitute a personal attack

Just calm down. Godsakes - none of this is that deep and you are acting like you are addicted to being a victim

agreed in the main

A loving mum who wants to do her best but… a strong whiff of martyrdom and victimhood and if she’s not careful… her children will get sick of it and distance themselves and spend more time with father - where there aren’t these endless mind games

i was on your holiday thread Op - and the same stance is there too

I also read your holiday thread where you were talking about your holiday being the last big one, because of money and you all being miserable. And yet just a few weeks later you are planning on another big holiday with them to America.

the one where OP is upset because her children don’t seem sufficiently enthusiastic about the holiday given the money she’s spending?

Yes.

no where, literally no where did he moan about receiving gifts

To quote the OP, the sum total of his crime was to say christmas was “low key”

and that, is it

Some people are always unpleasant and judgemental on AIBU threads. That aside, you posted your disappointment at your son’s comments on AIBU. People. Responded by saying that you are being unreasonable to say “I’m cutting back” before Christmas each year and explained why. Your response, having asked the question (an AIBU thread is a question) was to be defensive, saying ‘it was only the odd comment’ and rejecting the replies. You should not post if you are going to be unhappy if some responders don’t agree with you!