Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

I got handed a car!!! I was in college, no job, no harm here!!

OP, I think you and your ds x2 all sound lovely, close, your Christmases sound lovely too!
It's possible your 17 year old is feeling a bit sad if his gf seems to be cooling a bit, pressure of A levels, uni looming, adult life just round the corner etc. Please don't take the ridiculous comments and assumptions about you and your family to heart. Hope the US trip is fab, and that Christmas is fun too 😊

I would say it only once about cutting back in the year and ask what they need and get it for Christmas/birthday if it's a reasonable amount to spend.

17 year olds say thoughtless things but please don’t feel guilty about spending whatever you think is right or can afford. There will always be those with more and it’s worth kids accepting that young.

Oh please do piss off with your judgemental crap. I got a car for Christmas once. I’m not disgusting. My kids sometimes get new iPhones, they are certainly not disgusting. Both hard working and nice persons with hearts of gold.

Yes, I was 17 once. Computer access is essential, but why does a 17 year old need their own laptop? Why would they not simply be doing their schoolwork on the desktop at home, or using the school computers?

Was that 30 years ago?

He sounds like a teenager, masters at making their mothers feel like shit. He doesn’t really want to go on holiday, so he’s had a snap reaction to your comment about Christmas being low key.

In a few years time he’ll be telling you all about his fond memories of your Christmases, and no doubt the upcoming holiday. Don’t let him wind you up.

Where I live school computers disappeared centuries ago. All students have a MacBook each, to be returned when they finish school.

I am not about xmas or christian holidays/feasts/festivals. I'm not into any religion. Agnostic since my early teens.

My own thing is to recognise that school's out and that my children and grandchildren live in a westernised commercial materialistic society.

Yes, I give my grandkids thoughful gifts or reasonable amounts of money towards their reasonable desired products.

I am way more comfortable with sharing time and experiences.

Some of my neighbours have already (since 2nd last weekend of September) put up their xmas decorations and festoon lights. One has even begun after-dark 'testing'. This is 12 weeks out from Dec 25th and over ten weeks before school vacation.

Yes, Why are we dragging xmas forward further every year? I suspect the retailers and some grubbier 'entrepreneurs' must love this mindset.

I think your son's response was reasonable.

When I was a small child my parents overspent on Christmas. Piles of presents. By the time I was a teenager our financial situation was worse and I had younger siblings. There was always talk of cutting back and reminders of how spoilt I'd been when I was younger getting all those toys. Making me feel guilty about something that hadn't been up to me.

Having a conscience I used to say I didn't want anything and if they had to get something then second-hand books or clothes would do because my younger siblings deserved the more expensive stuff 'from Santa'.

And then they'd complain I was 'hard to buy for'.

You're not a bad parent and you don't need to overreact to the responses you're getting here, but yes, if you talk about money worries to teenagers they're going to be aware. If you genuinely need to cut back, do it. Don't say that sort of thing for the sake of it if it isn't true.

Sorry, linked to wrong comment :)

My son is 30 now but I remember trying to buy for him at 17. He never wanted anything and was frustrating to buy for (he’s no better now)
I got to the point I bought him underwear and tat just so he’d have something to open on Christmas morning and then gave him cash, is that an option?

You seem to have some sort of weird obsession with me for some reason. Odd. I had to think about which holiday thread you meant then. Yes, I did have a very low Sunday morning on holiday this year, and, as the only adult in my immediate family, I posted here, as I often do, for support and advice when I feel that way, which is now and again. Contrary to what people on this thread seem to think, I don't moan on to my teens constantly about this kind of stuff and generally find mumsnet very helpful as an outlet.

That thread was on AIBU but it wasn't the pile-on this one has been, which is in Chat, not AIBU as someone up thread claimed and then berated me for not accepting disagreement. The holiday thread was really helpful and I got out of my funk and we went on to have a lovely holiday. Is that alright with you?

Same as others have said, focus on talking positively as it's not just about what you will spend on presents! Wow, I'm trying a special gravy, can't wait for our gorgeous dinner, so pleased with what presents you will be getting, will be so wonderful to see ... , all I want is is for us all to be together and have a lovely time etc

goodness, you’re a bit scary OP

Must be bloomin exhausting living with you!

and to think i said i thought you sounded like a lovely mum 😦

Sorry, I’ve not read the full thread, but, one thing did strike me about ds1 is that you say he doesn’t want “stuff” preferring experiences.
It is quite possible he’d love a block of driving lessons (I’m up north and it would be within your budget- sorry don’t know where you are though) now he’s 17 but given your “cutting back” comments wouldn’t like to suggest it.
I found that my own sons really appreciated driving lessons as gifts once they turned 17 it became a bit of a thing for birthdays and Christmas's for a while.
Sorry I do realise that it’s slightly off on a tangent, 🤔

If you told me you'd be cutting back on Christmas I'd tell you not to get anything for me. It's a joy-killer of a thing to say, it sounds as if you begrudge every penny you've ever spent on gifts.

What does he buy you ever?

Such hyperbole. I did not berate you at all. If we’re didn’t get your knickers in a twist about everything, maybe you would be happier and not unnecessarily “really upset”.

My DC was giving me tables with links by that age in order of importance and availability! It would be a mix of expensive things, mid price things and cheap things. We stopped buying £50 of stocking filler tat and started spending the money on things he wanted instead. (Underwear, deodorant, orange and chocolate coins being the exception). Your DS probably just feels he's going to end up with unwanted tat rather than things he actually wants because the money is being spent on a trip he didn't even want to go on. I don't think mine will even give me a list now they're 18 and might not even be around for Christmas so note this might be your last Christmas with you all there...

@autumndrizzle Ever so slightly ancient lacking in understanding of the topics, so much so that I am wondering if this can be a serious post. Do families still have desktops?

I am using a desktop right now. Why would you not have a desktop? They are more powerful and less expensive than their laptop counterparts and parts are easier to replace.

Schools don't have computer rooms anymore, they all use ipads or other portable devices.

Which is why children growing up now have computer literacy issues. Using a computer is second nature to old millennials. Children now have difficulties doing the most basic tasks in fundamental programs like Excel and Word, or even just understanding how to navigate a typical Microsoft Windows interface.

Insisting a teen uses a family desktop is a bit of a 🚩it's borderline controlling.

Why is that controlling? It does the same thing that a laptop does, except better. It's not portable, but why does a child or a teen need to take a computer anywhere?

What an unsympathetic post. So judgemental and narrow minded. I wonder how successful in their chosen profession this particular poster is after graduating from their happy homework session at the university library.

It's not a "happy homework session." That's literally what the purpose of a library is- to provide a comfortable study environment for students. You are supposed to go to the library when you're at university to study and do work. The only people who don't know that are those who treated university as a glorified 3 year summer camp.

@MrsSunshine2b Do you have teenagers or any contact with secondary school children?

I know 20-somethings who were at school less than 5 years ago. Laptops were not required.

My SD is 14 and the school lets all incoming Y7s know what spec their laptop needs to be and recommending a loan company that allows interest free payments on tech. As from next year, they will also need a specific tablet.

Never heard of this. It seems both excessive and unnecessary. Given the cost of living crisis also, there would also be a % of families at all schools (except a minority of schools with wealthy families only) who would be unable to afford the recommended laptop.

I'm also unsure what the tablet is for. Obviously trying to type on a tablet would be silly because they feature unresponsive touch screens by default, so a keyboard and mouse is always required. But if you're plugging a mouse and keyboard into a tablet, you might as well just have a laptop.

Laptops are for working portably, desktops are for everything else.

For another thing, maybe 17 yos, like other people, like to be able to access their work from numerous locations rather than being tethered to one desk. That's if the "family desktop" (which doesn't exist in our home anyway) isn't being used by another family member for WFH or the other child in the home! A 17 yo, in the midst of A levels, doesn't need to stand in a queue or have a younger sibling hurrying them up half way through their coursework.

In the vast majority of cases, people who are WFH would be doing so on the laptop provided by the company. I would be very surprised if an employer was asking you to WFH on the family desktop, as obviously there would be a high risk of a data breach- have you raised that point with your employer?

WFH should be done on company computers. The house desktop is for personal stuff and children's schoolwork. I'm surprised you think this is unusual.

@shuggles
How old are you?

I don't know anyone who still has a family desktop. We have a DH & My laptop and DS has a hand me down.

But regardless of what you think I can still see many reasons why a 17 year might want a laptop 💻 rather than a desktop. However it was an example of pricey items that teens might want change it to desktop plus a desk to go with it and you'll still blow the £200-300 budget.

Therefore back to the original point £200-300 is not a wild sum of money to spend on a late teens for Christmas.

Tech stuff, phones, computers (desktop or laptops) consoles, smart watches, ear buds, tech just isn't cheap.

You could easily blow that on sports kit, bikes, golf clubs, climbing or hill walking gear, any sort of water sports, proper running trainers.

Fashion stuff I think the last time I looked a levis jeans they were £90 a pair. And a pair of air force 1 trainers and you'll blow £200. Fancy boots Timberland or Doc Martins.

For girls 👧 blow that budget with a dyson hairdryer, or fancy straighteners.

It's really not a wild amount of money.

When my eldest was 17, he was the same. I just used to buy what I thought he’d probably like and not expect much thanks. I certainly couldn’t spend £200 - £300 because we didn’t have that sort of money, then, and I had two other kids who did enjoy Christmas! So I probably spent that amount in total on the three of them. Christmas Eve boxes were not a thing, and I don’t actually see the point in them!! It’s just more expense. Christmas can be ‘ magical’ without spending a fortune! It doesn’t HAVE to be perfect!!!

He’s 32 now and still the same…